We’re entering my least favorite time of year. I don’t know exactly why I dislike the yuletide season so much, but here are my best guesses: the financial pressure, terrible holiday specials, and Bing Crosby. (I’ve found lately, though, that Bing irritates me less than Mariah Carey, whose voice makes my eardrums bleed.) If you add in the fact that this year, I can no longer eat 99% of the holiday food—specifically, cookies—you may start to see why I really, really hate the holidays.

Because I’m a Christmas Grinch, I’ve had to develop coping mechanisms to get through this time of year. If you, too, hate the holidays, here’s a handy guide to get through it:

Invest in an MP3 player and earphones.  Toys "R" Us was playing Christmas music on November 1, y’all. The closer we get to Dec. 25, the more likely you are to be assaulted by insipid holiday tunes. Right around now, my iPhone becomes my best friend. I listen to true crime and Survivor podcasts on my drive into work, eighties pop music at my desk (I know, you’d think since I’m a fan of the genre, I’d like Mariah, but seriously, I cannot stand the sound of her voice), and put on a nice audiobook (I’m listening to Clive Barker’s Books of Blood right now) when I’m forced to leave the house on the weekends. I’ve found it’s much easier to smile at the kiddies if I’ve got Barker’s beautiful descriptions of tree branches draped with human innards whispering in my ear.

And speaking of leaving the house . . .

Don’t leave the house. Sometimes, you have to take the earphones off, like to listen for traffic or to talk to the pharmacist when picking up your antianxiety medication. And when you do, you will immediately be assaulted by Christmas music, electronic Santas barking ho-ho-ho, and people asking for donations.

So many people asking for donations.

Stay off social media. Besides the holiday memes, YouTube “this is my favorite scene from Jingle All the Way” videos, and non-stop “Buy what I’m selling!” pleas—by the way, have I mentioned My Mom, MS, and a Sixth-Grade Mess makes a great holiday gift?—you will get a lot of requests for donations. You see, it’s now easier than ever to set up a fundraiser on Facebook, Twitter, and the like. And you will be assaulted daily with requests for money.

Without a doubt, the main stressor for me during the holiday season is money. Between buying gifts, wrapping paper, bows, cards, food to prepare for gatherings, and the like, plus my husband likes to say things like, “Surprise! MacBooks were on sale! Only cost one mortgage payment!”, I do not have extra cash this time of year. If you want to hit me up, do it in June, when I’ve just finished paying off the holiday bills, and the heating bill has finally gone down.

Don’t watch television. Unless you like knowing if you don’t buy your kid the latest Gizbot Hoodookidoo, you will go down in the annals of child-rearing history as the worst parent ever. Commercials this time of year have one purpose in mind: to use guilt as maliciously as possible to part you from your money. Who needs that?And the jingles. The incessant, stupid jingles. I hate you, television.

I do, however, love Netflix. If you’re going to have television, now is the time of year to binge-watch some fine Netflix series. Stranger Things has a new season out. If you’re feeling particularly angry about the holidays this year, The Punisher might be a good choice. Best of all, Netflix is commercial free.

Don’t put up decorations. I learned my lesson on this one last Halloween. It turns out in most homes, he or she who puts up the decorations is in charge of taking them down. This is why one plastic severed hand has served as a centerpiece on my kitchen table since October 2016. It’s the one decoration I missed when packing up the spiders, ghouls, and guillotines last year, and I just haven’t had the energy to pick it up, walk down to the basement, and dig out the Halloween decorations boxes to put it away. Neither has Jason, which is why I win. He’s the one who likes Christmas, so if he wants to get out the tinsel and tree, he can have at it. But when it comes time to take that crap down, I’m going to point to that severed hand and tell him exactly what he’s told me for fourteen months: “You’re the one who put it out to begin with.”
 
There are a million other tricks to try in order to get through this saccharine season, but these tips should give you a good start. When in doubt, try to meditate on those wise words penned so long ago that truly explain what the season is all about:

Bah, humbug.

November is National Novel-Writing Month, more commonly known as NANOWRIMO. Many aspiring writers participate in this, hoping to end the month with a 50,000-word novel. There are events and websites dedicated to the event, where you can post your daily word counts, compete and compare with other writers, and earn badges that quite honestly mean nothing in the real world, but maybe make people feel good.

I do not do NANOWRIMO. I think it’s a terrible construction promoting feelings of despair and failure, turns what should be the single most enjoyable thing in a writer’s life—writing—into a chore, and produces a lot of garbage manuscripts.

Here’s the thing: first off, on a personal level, I don’t like being told I should do anything. I’ve been writing my entire adult life, and I know the pace that works best for me and the schedule I can handle. Telling me I have to write 1,667 words a day for thirty days aligns not at all with a writing schedule I’ve carefully developed and managed successfully over the years. And every single writer in the world is different. A writer needs to figure out for themselves what pace and schedule works most beneficially for them to produce their best possible efforts. I don’t think NANOWRIMO helps them cultivate this at all, except maybe to show them writing close to 2k every day for thirty days straight doesn’t work for them.

But my issue with NANO is bigger than this. Listen: writers tend to be self-flagellating, my-work-is-garbage, zero self-esteem types. (Oh, sure, you’ll meet a few who think every word they produce is gold—and most of those types are so wrong it’s laughable—but as a whole, writers generally suspect they’re not very good.) And NANOWRIMO not only sets up writers to fail, but if they do happen to succeed, what they’ve produced is crap. Here’s what I see NANOWRIMO writers posting online during November:

• Status updates lamenting because they didn’t hit their word count goal for the day.
• Complaints that another writer produced 5,000 words Tuesday, and the person posting suspects that the 5k writer either cheated, lied, or wrote crap.
• But what if they didn’t lie, cheat, or write crap? The status updater then declares themselves a hack and a failure, because they’re not the 5k writer.
• Lengthy bemoaning (does that count toward your daily word count?) that the daily NANOWRIMO effort is a chore, and they now positively hate the novel they’re working on.
• Writers giving up on NANO and beating themselves up for it.

Now, I’m not saying writing isn’t work. Of course it is. But if you truly want to be a writer, then you should love doing it, even the ugly work parts of it. Why on earth would you want to be part of something that completely strips all the enjoyment out of something you were once passionate about back in October?

And, as I mentioned, a good NANOWRIMO-produced novel is a rare gem. Sure, Water for Elephants is a solid NANO book. But that book is the exception, not the rule. Ninety-nine percent of novels written in November are unpublishable rubbish. Any submissions editor out there will tell you their least-favorite time of year is December through February, when the NANO sludge starts rolling in.

Here’s why it’s garbage: most NANO novels are written on the fly, under pressure, with the goal being produce, produce, produce, and not crafting a cohesive storyline, setting a believable and relatable stage, carefully thinking out plot points, or developing characters.

You know what probably works better? Following these simple rules:

• Experiment with writing daily, five days a week, and every other day. What works best for you? Are you more creative early in the morning or late at night? Do you need silence, or music in the background? Where’s the coffee pot? The bathroom? Find a setting and schedule that works best for you, and stop worrying about what everyone else does. They are not you.
• At what point do you feel what’s pouring out on the pages has taken a nosedive? Is it after 3,000 words, or 2,000, or 1,000? How long does it take you to hit that sweet spot of creativity—500 words in? A thousand? Try to gauge when it is your creative spark kicks in, and when it leaves, and set your word count goal accordingly. Find a daily/weekly goal that works best for you, and stop worrying about what everyone else does. They are not you.
• Do you prefer to outline your stories, or take a “fly by the seat of my pants” approach with an end destination in mind? Figure out which writing approach works best for you, and stop worrying about what everyone else does. They are not you.
• Most importantly, stop scrolling on social media to see what other writers are doing. Their success is not your failure, nor is your success their failure. Comparing yourself to your writer friends is a sure way to guarantee a bitter, miserable life. How about just doing your writing thing? Stop worrying about what everyone else does. They are not you.

​To my writer friends out there, I love you. Keep on doing what you’re doing. Of course you realize I think you’d be happier letting go of this NANO crap and going back to your regularly scheduled writing habits. Now, I would hate for you to participate in something that makes you miserable, but you are an adult, and can make your own choices. Participate. Don't. Do whatever you like.

Which is what I'm doing.  And I, for one, am enjoying the heck out of my NANO-free November.