Only a few more days 'til the New Year, and it's time for this particular blogger to make her list of resolutions. Won't you join me?

First off, I've been picking on Bing Crosby an awful lot lately. I sort of feel bad about that. After all, what did he ever do to me except sing 40 bajillion holiday songs that I've been listening to ad nauseum since early October? (And listen, Lite 100.5 WRCH, there is NO CALL to continue playing that Christmas crap AFTER Dec. 25th. But I digress.)
 In 2013, I resolve to find a new crooner upon whom I can heap my abuse. I'm looking at you, Frank!

Next up, I'm a little concerned about my weight. I'm getting tired of looking at these love handles. Next year, I resolve to buy more long sweaters so I won't have to see 'em.

A year ago, I did a blog about how I'd spent all of 2011 talking to Ken Wood. In 2012, the chats continued, but I only found about sixteen pictures of us yakking it up this year. (This one is from NeCon in July, taken by Jason Harris.) I feel like we're not talking as much, maybe because Ken's been too busy planning his wedding to Sarah Gomes (they're getting married Saturday, 12/29! Congratulations, you guys!) In 2013, I clearly have to talk to Ken Wood more.

Finally, I've noticed that the house is looking a little blah lately. Wallpapering and renovating would be both expensive and a lot of work. To spice things up around the home, in 2013, I resolve to shave a mohawk into Pugsley the Cat and henceforth refer to him as 'Fang.'

Sure, these resolutions will require self-discipline, hard work, and a lot of willpower on my part. But I'm willing to sacrifice. What are YOU planning to do in 2013?

When I'm feeling cranky and miserable this time of year, I like to put on the one holiday movie that's more cranky and miserable than me. I am, of course, referring to White Christmas.
This flick, starring Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, and Vera Ellen, is surprisingly enough, a musical. (What? Everyone knows Danny Kaye was best known for being a comedian.) This story is about the duo of Bob Wallace (Crosby) and Phil Davis (Kaye), who team up with the Haynes sisters to try and save a Vermont inn (owned by General Waverly, whom Bob and Phil served with in the war). Talk about a depressing group. Bob and Phil trade barbs from the get-go, and it sometimes seems as if Bob is irritated that Phil saved his life in the war. Because it surely must be a pain in the butt to have to admit that someone saved your life. Yup, that's rough.
Betty Haynes (Clooney) and Bob start bickering as soon as they meet. Clearly, they can't stand each other. Judy Haynes wants to skip town because she owes her landlord money. Phil is still trying to figure out what was so horrible about saving Bob's LIFE in the war. So of course it's just hilarious when all four of them wind up on a train together.
These nut jobs actually start singing about snow on the train ("I'll wash my hair in snow," Clooney warbles, clearly a sign of mental instability) and actually complain when they get off the train to warm weather. It's 65 degrees, in December, in Vermont. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth! Though I'm sure they would have griped just as much if they'd gotten off the train in a blizzard, the ingrates.
Once Bob and Phil find out that the struggling inn that the girls are singing in is owned by their old General, they form a plan (at no small cost to themselves) to save it from financial ruin. They pay to have a cast, props, and costumes brought in to put on a huge show. They even arrange to have the event covered by a popular television show. Not only is the General not grateful, he's kind of rotten to them. He insults Bob and Phil's service as privates, and tries to re-enlist in the army. And somehow, Betty gets mad at Bob, and decides to leave town. Because he's being so selfish, trying to save the General's business and encouraging the man to try and enjoy his life as an innkeeper. I can see why she thinks he's such a jerk. (Why does she even care? When she's not smooching with Bob in the kitchen, she acts like she hates him. Then again, the woman washes her hair in snow.)
The show goes on, all of the old army men show up to cheer on their buddies and the General, and the inn is saved. The General immediately insults them all for not wearing ties, looking sloppy, and being undisciplined. (He might have muttered a thank you in there, but I can't remember.) More singing, griping, and smooching ensues, and in the end, it snows. And we all know that one good snowstorm in Vermont could keep you trapped inside until springtime. Careful what you wish for, I always say.
Yes, White Christmas is full of insults, complaints, and two gigantic ingrates (Hey General! They're saving your livelihood! And hey, Bob! Phil saved your LIFE!) So when I sound grumpy and grinchy this time of year, just remember. Someone saves my life, I say thank you.

Merry Christmas!

Normally, at this time of year, I'd be writing about my Christmas Wish List (fancy shampoo, a vacation from sales tax remittance forms) or how I really, truly can't stand the sound of Frosty's voice. But today we had a madman open fire on innocent schoolchildren in our state, and I'm not feeling very funny tonight.
I was sitting at Books & Boos, chuckling over Mick Foley's Hardcore Diaries (really, his description of his and Tommy Dreamer's derrieres is priceless) when it sunk in that the radio was no longer playing music. They were talking about a school shooting. In Connecticut. My heart firmly lodged itself in my throat. We have three nephews and one niece in three different schools in Connecticut. And my sister, who I might have mentioned a thousand different times is my very best friend in the world, is a teacher. I put Mick Foley aside and jumped on the internet.
Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown is not one of the schools attended by any member of my family. Still, I cried a little bit as I read the breaking news. I cried from relief that it wasn't my nephews' or niece's school. I cried because I'd been so scared for my sister, who was okay. And I cried out of guilt for feeling that way when twenty-six lives had been lost, twenty of them children. How can anyone read that and not feel sick? What is wrong with people?
Just a few weeks ago, my sister and I were talking about a lockdown she'd had at her school. She and her students had been hiding in the darkened, locked classroom when one of the kids knocked on the side of the desk in an effort to be funny. Kim was berating herself because she'd spoken pretty sharply to the student. It hadn't been a planned drill, and she was on edge, thoughts of Columbine flashing through her mind.
"But of course," she said, "I have to remember these kids weren't even alive when that happened. They have no idea how scary Columbine was when it happened."
How foolish of us to think that that was somehow a negative thing.

This time of year, "Baby It's Cold Outside" gets a lot of air time on the radio, which is dumb since it's not even a holiday song. I'm sure the deejays think it's appropriate, since who doesn't like Bing Crosby (besides his son, the actors he beat out to win Best Actor in 1944, Democrats, Grace Kelly, and rabid anti-golf people, I mean?) However, this is not a family friendly song, and should be pulled off the air immediately. Let's take a look:

Baby It's Cold Outside

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
1.  I'm sure she's aware it's chilly out, Bing. If the woman wants to leave, let her leave.

I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
2. No means NO, Bing.

This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
3. That's a little forward, Bing. Back off with the hand-holding!

My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
4. My father would be doing a little more than pacing. He'd be oiling his shotgun while looking up your address on Google Maps.

So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
5. Better let her out before Dad shows up, Bing!

Well Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour
6. Sure, liquor her up, you pig.

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
7. Yes, what is that odd flavor I taste? Roofie?

I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
8. Going to the hospital to have that roofie pumped out of your stomach might break the spell, if Bing would just let you leave already!

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
9. NO means NO, Bing!

At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
10. I'm hoping she hurts something else of yours in a minute, Bing. One swift kick should do it.

I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
11. @!$$!!* BING! SHE SAID NO!!!


Ahh, but it's cold outside
C'mon baby

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
12. I'm calling the cops.

This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm - Look out the window at that storm
13. That warm feeling is a side effect of the liquor and drugs he slipped you. Don't be fooled!

My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
14. ...aaand he's a cannibal.

My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
15. Huh?

My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before
16. Sounds like he thinks your lips would be perfect with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
17. Never mind your hair. Just get out of there. Fast!

You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
18. Oops! Didn't get out fast enough!

There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
19. She should be so lucky to die of pneumonia instead of being raped, murdered and cooked in a stew.

I really can't stay - Get over that old out
20. Pig.

Ahh, but it's cold outside
Baby it's cold outside
21. What's a little frostbite if your life depends on it?

Jason gets mad at me when I heckle the radio. At least I'm smart enough to get the heck out when there's a cannibalistic rapist in the room, whatever the weather!