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Childless

4/19/2019

 
I've never worried much about what people may think of Jason and me going to kids' movies without any children in tow. I've ordered happy meals without blinking and bought Gerber dried apple snacks when on Weight Watchers without once wondering if the cashier was looking for my baby. So when Jason asked me if I wanted to go to the Connecticut Science Center and I was too distracted by a new documentary on the Menendez brothers to even reply (and in our house, silence implies consent), Jason got us tickets.

​That I kept confusing it with the Lutz Children's Museum should've been my first clue that this destination is more appealing to children than adults. That my sister-in-law and her two kids canceled out of coming with us because my niece and nephew were "too old" for the science center should've been my second. After we parked, we wound up on an elevator with a gang of toddlers. Uh oh, I thought for the first time in my life, will we look funny without children with us?


What I failed to recognize was that I was with a child. A fortysomething-year-old, but a child just the same.

Jason signed us up to do the Butterfly Encounter and the 3-D Amazon Adventure. He elbowed aside a six-year-old to snag the last seat for the Explore the Milky Way presentation. He really wanted to try the Pull Your Own Weight Pulley, but I bribed him away from the exhibit with a promise of frozen yogurt (which turned out to be $7 a cup, so he did not get his fro-yo after all). He was right there amongst the shrieking kids, clambering to press his face against the glass to eyeball a black rat snake. He was having a ball.

I was a little bored. I've saved rat snakes from the garden netting and dissected toads. I've been to the Planetarium and explored the Milky Way loads of time. I wanted fro-yo, and was still ticked off at the price. But I tried to make my own fun.

An important side note here: Jason and I have two very different approaches to taking pictures. He likes to set up shots showcasing the beauty of nature. I like to complain that a photo of the wild onions taking over the lawn is boring. If there's nobody in the picture making a funny face, why take it at all?

Back to the science center. One thing I enjoyed was the Human Bodies exhibit. Perhaps you've heard of this: they freeze-dried and dissected real bodies to showcase our guts and stuff. It was fascinating. 

It was also full of terrific opportunities to take funny shots. "Want me to pretend I'm playing tennis with this guy?" I offered, as Jason set up a shot of a skinned human holding a tennis racket. "No," he said. And then, later on: "Here—let me pretend I'm making out with this disemboweled lady, and you can take a picture." Again, he declined.

I was getting a little ticked off. It was bad enough he wanted to stop and play with every single interactive toy in the place, but when I wanted to make out with a freeze-dried corpse, all of a sudden he was Mr. Grownup. He dragged me into the butterfly exhibit as I complained loudly that butterflies were stupid. (Really, he was being such a child.)

"Fine," he finally said. "Do you want to pretend you're running away from the giant plastic butterfly hanging from the ceiling?"

I did.

He snapped the picture. "You owe me two fro-yos for this," he grumbled.

My conclusion: the Connecticut Science Center, though ridiculously expensive, can be fun for kids and grownups. 
Picture

Dietary Blockage

4/5/2019

 
Recently, a former coworker of mine messaged me on Facebook to let me know she was hosting a "Go Sugarless" challenge. Did I want to join?

She's been posting her before and after pictures, and I have to admit she looks spectacular these days. clearly, eliminating sugar from her diet, plus working out every day, has done wonders for her. Go Jen, I say.

But my diet is already restricted. Gluten does terrible things to my digestive tract, so no wheat, barley, rye, triticale, or oats for me. Plus my gastroenterologist also recommended removing all artificial sweeteners from my menu, as the bad bacteria in your gut thrives on it. You know what that leaves? Rice. And sugar.

Now before you dismiss me as some sort of granola hippie, let me assure you I am not. I've found a variety of non-salady, non-natural things with which to supplement my diet. Did you know Tootsie Rolls are gluten free? And Milk Duds? That's right, there's a plethora of fabulous snacks in the candy aisle to choose from, all made without gluten, and with corn syrup. Delicious, fabulous corn syrup.

Proteins are pretty easy, too. I have to watch out for fillers in sausage and cures on hams, but otherwise, unless it's breaded, I can eat meat. And eggs. But wait: recent studies show eggs are bad for us again. You know what? Those people doing these studies should mind their own stinking  business. My great-grandfather ate eggs every day and bathed in bacon grease, and he lived to be 89. (I think. Or he died of a coronary when he was 60. One or the other.) If you're going to take away my pasta and replace it with a crappy rice substitute, I'm eating it with eggs and syrup.

But back to Jen and her "Go Sugarless" challenge. My first response, of course, was to get mad. Are you calling me fat? I replied. She assured me she was not, explaining that most found it easier to quit sugar if they have a support group. Sugar and caffeine are two of the most addictive substances in the world, she added.

Sugar . . . and caffeine?

I could see where this was headed. And let me assure you: you can take away my pasta, and my bread, and even my cookies. But nobody—not even the skinny healthy chick I worked with ten years ago who really does look terrific these days—is going to take away my coffee. Was she insane? (When I told both my husband and my editing partner about this, they also texted Jen with the same question: Are you INSANE? Or simply trying to get us killed?)

And this is the story of why I blocked my friend Jen on Facebook.

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