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The Truth About Cat and Dog People

5/21/2011

The following is a true story: I found out on Mother’s Day that my sister-in-law’s sister-in-law (or, my brother-in-law’s sister) was reading my blog when her water broke. Some time later, on Easter, Arthur Henry Hallas was born. I like to think that Pam’s water broke because she was laughing so hard. That’s what I’ve been telling people, anyway.

Besides relishing in the thrill of helping to bring a new life in to this world, I've been thinking: there’s a huge marketing opportunity somewhere in this, I’m sure of it. Let’s think about some tried-and-true methods for inducing labor, and why reading my blog is better.

Foolin’ around. That’s right, I’m sure everyone has heard that a little nookie in the ninth month will induce labor. Let me tell you about my friend Renee. Her doctor told her this very same thing when she was ready to burst three days past her due date. So she went home, struggled into her sexiest pretty pink nightie, and waited for her hubby to come home. She happened to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror, belly sticking out like the ball at EpcotCenter wrapped in pink silk, and started laughing hysterically. She immediately went in to labor. So it kind of worked, but she wound up having to cut herself out of the nightie before it cut off her circulation. Wouldn’t it just be easier to read my blog?
Hanging curtains. My mother swears that someone told her this old wives’ tale and it’s the only reason why my sister and I were ever born at all. I just find it sad that my mother was doing strenuous housework right before going in to labor. Reading my blog is more relaxing, and doesn’t require heavy lifting.
Eating spicy foods. I don’t know about anyone else, but sometimes spicy food is not the best thing for my system if I’m expecting to go out anywhere in public, like, say, a hospital to push out a baby. In fact, I like to avoid spicy foods before going to work, the grocery store, church, out in the yard, or to an amusement park. I say can the taco idea and read my blog – the end result will be a lot less embarrassing!
Practice yoga. I want you to picture a calm, meditative woman, nine months pregnant, seated in Padmasana (Lotus Pose, or Cross-Legged, for you non-yoga types). Now I want you to tell me how that woman is going to getup out of that pose. Reading my blog does not require you to weirdly contort your body until you are sent to the hospital for ripping your calf muscles.
Take a bumpy car ride. Sure, I don’t have children, but I’ve known many pregnant women. Not a one of them has ever bragged about their bladder of steel. Reading my blog will not cause you to have an accident in the passenger seat of your car.

The evidence is clear: if you want to induce labor at home, the safest, most effective way to do so is to read my blog. And I know one new mom that can vouch for that.

Congratulations, Pam and Jim!

Mom Was Right

5/7/2011

Author's Note: Many thanks to Linda Orlomoski, who, when I said "Boy, I've got nothing to blog about this week," kindly pointed out "It's Mother's Day, stupid!"

Every time I check my teeth in the mirror of the public bathroom to make sure I don’t have anything caught there, I like to say two words to the image blinking back at me: Hello, Mother.

It’s true. The very habit I used to mock my mother for manifests itself every time I am out in public and see a mirror. The urge to flash my teeth to check for stray spinach in my incisors is impossible to resist, despite the fact that I hate spinach and haven't eaten it in decades.

It turns out that Mom had a few good ideas that I initially brushed off as ridiculous. Now that I’m older, I’m starting to see the soundness of some of Mom’s advice. Take a look at the following list sage advice learned from my mother, all proven to be true:

Not all drugs are bad. Caffeine, for instance, is a very, verygood drug.
Sure, make fun of me now. Someday you'll welcome the comfort of elastic-waist pants.
Exercising is hazardous to your health. Aerobics have been proven to cause spider veins, jogging can cause heart attacks, and even ironing can cause severe wrist injuries. If you mustexercise, the safest way to do so is by watching Richard Simmons on YouTube while baking cookies.
It’s nice to be able to work at a job you love. It’s also nice to have a roof over your head. Suck it up and get to work!
It’s not my fault we automatically gain ten pounds walking by a bakery. Blame your grandmother.
Nobody’s reputation was ever ruined hanging out at a Mensa meeting. Go ask them if you can cater their events.
Honor thy father and mother.  Especially thy mother.

My mother, over the years, has dispensed invaluable wisdom on such topics as big purses, comfortable shoes, and the marketability of education for career advancement.  She cheered me on when my first short story was published (an article, ironically, about fishing with Dad) and still has a copy of every single humor column that I wrote over a period of more than six years.  She applauded my decision to get divorced and clapped through my first dance at my second wedding.  She listens to me complain about laundry and cautions me when I want to venture in to dangerous activities, like ironing.  When I told Mom that Jason and I were going ice skating back in January, she had three words of advice to pass on to me, patting (or socking, whichever) my arm softly:

            “Are you nuts?”

Three months on crutches and one surgery later, I’ve accepted this one truth to be self-evident: No matter what the situation, Mom is always right.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

In Memoriam

The Truth About Cat and Dog People

Labor of Love

Mom Was Right

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