Labor of Love

The following is a true story: I found out on Mother’s Day that my sister-in-law’s sister-in-law (or, my brother-in-law’s sister) was reading my blog when her water broke.  Some time later, on Easter, Arthur Henry Hallas was born.  I like to think that Pam’s water broke because she was laughing so hard.  That’s what I’ve been telling people, anyway.

Besides  relishing in the thrill of helping to bring a new life in to this world, I've been thinking: there’s a huge marketing opportunity somewhere in this, I’m sure of it.  Let’s think about some tried-and-true methods for inducing labor, and why reading my blog is better.

1. Foolin’ around.  That’s right, I’m sure everyone has heard that a little nookie in the ninth month will induce labor. Let me tell you about my friend Renee.  Her doctor told her this very same thing when she was ready to burst three days past her due date.  So she went home, struggled into her sexiest pretty pink nightie, and waited for her hubby to come home.  She happened to catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror, belly sticking out like the ball at EpcotCenter wrapped in pink silk, and started laughing hysterically. She immediately went in to labor.  So it kind of worked, but she wound up having to cut herself out of the nightie before it cut off her circulation.  Wouldn’t it just be easier to read my blog?
2. Hanging curtains.  My mother swears that someone told her this old wives’ tale and it’s the only reason why my sister and I were ever born at all.  I just find it sad that my mother was doing strenuous housework right before going in to labor.  Reading my blog is more relaxing, and doesn’t require heavy lifting.
3. Eating spicy foods.  I don’t know about anyone else, but sometimes spicy food is not the best thing for my system if I’m expecting to go out anywhere in public, like, say, a hospital to push out a baby.  In fact, I like to avoid spicy foods before going to work, the grocery store, church, out in the yard, or to an amusement park.  I say can the taco idea and read my blog – the end result will be a lot less embarrassing!
4. Practice yoga.  I want you to picture a calm, meditative woman, nine months pregnant, seated in Padmasana (Lotus Pose, or Cross-Legged, for you non-yoga types).  Now I want you to tell me how that woman is going to getup out of that pose.  Reading my blog does not require you to weirdly contort your body until you are sent to the hospital for ripping your calf muscles.
5. Take a bumpy car ride.  Sure, I don’t have children, but I’ve known many pregnant women.  Not a one of them has ever bragged about their bladder of steel.  Reading my blog will not cause you to have an accident in the passenger seat of your car.

The evidence is clear: if you want to induce labor at home, the safest, most effective way to do so is to read my blog.  And I know one new mom that can vouch for that.

Congratulations, Pam and Jim!