I do not read food blogs. I find the problem to be that these food blogs review places I’ve never heard of, and will never go to. While the Hookah in downtown Houston sounds lovely, the likelihood of my eating there on Thursday is less than the probability that I will be eaten by zombies. So I decided to do a blog today reviewing the restaurants that we all go to.

McDonalds: Main Street, Anytown, Worldwide
Best Meal: I find the Big Mac Value Meal to be the best bang for your buck, but watch out for dripping special sauce, which will plop on to your lap and stain your dress pants on your lunch break. 
If you’re looking for lighter fare, go with 6-piece McNuggets, which comes with complimentary fine dipping sauce of your choice, and small fries.
Foodie Find:  The Shamrock Shake, a seasonal item, is a delight to the palate.

Burger King:  Main Street, Two Doors Down from McDonalds
Best Meal: Hands down, the Whopper Value Meal, a.k.a. Number One with Fries and Drink, is your best culinary choice here. Add cheese and bacon to this flame broiled delicacy for a burst of smoky heaven on your sandwich.  
If you’re looking for lighter fare, sample theWhopper Jr. and apple fries.  The apple fries come with a light caramel sauce that gives you a touch of decadence at only 35 calories a packet, so don’t be afraid to slurp that extra sauce straight from the plastic pouch.
Foodie Find:  The cookie dough pie, a seasonal item, is so smooth and creamy, you’ll want to order two slices.

Wendy’s: Other Side of the Street from McDonalds, USA
Best Meal:  This fine dining option caters to the Weight Watchers junkie.  Try a baked potato with cheese and chives or a bowl of chili for a low-calorie yet filling lunch.
For higher calorie fare, go with a Bacon Cheeseburger – Wendy’s is one of the only “quick service” restaurants that offers this option. Again, you may want to opt for the baked potato here instead of the fries, as Wendy’s, while doing a fine job offering a variety of baked potato selections, serves fries that taste like salt-free sticks of processed potato pulp.  Reviewer’s Note: I’m told that Wendy’s is working to improve their fries, offering natural fries with sea salt these days, but I have a migraine today and I don’t want to get out of bed, much less drive down to Wendy’s and take the risk that the fries are still horrible.  So you, gentle reader, will just have to make that judgment call on your own.
Foodie Find: Order up a vanilla Frosty Floatwith root beer to be transported back to the days when root beer floats were available at every corner soda shop.  I’m told those days once existed; Lord knows I’m far too young to remember that.

Taco Bell:  Often paired with Kentucky Fried Chicken (see below)
Best Meal:  The traditional Taco Supremewith savory seasonings and sour cream is a scrumptious serving of taco goodness. Order three; they’re cheap.
If you’re looking for lighter fare, order theFresco Taco, which substitutes a chunky tomato salsa for the sour cream.   However, if you’re a sour cream aficionado like me, you’ll insist on the original, and worry about calories later when your pantyhose cut off the circulation to your torso.  Yum!
Foodie Find:  The Nachos Supreme offers a variety of textures and flavors for the discriminating palate.  Melted orange cheese, globs of refried beans, and taco sauce all come together on a crunchy corn chip for an indulgent treat reminiscent of ancient Mayan fare. (Probably. I don't really know what the Mayans ate.)

Kentucky Fried Chicken:  Found in the parking lots of grocery stores nationwide
Best Meal:  Nothing appeals to the discriminating gourmet quite like a Bucket of Chicken.  Go for traditional or get a little crazy and order up the extra-crispy; either way, you won’t be disappointed.
If you’re looking for lighter fare, go back to Taco Bell – everything on the menu here promises tons of high-calorie depravity.  You will leave this fine dining experience with greasy fingers and a smile on your face.
Foodie Find:  You can’t go wrong with a side order of mashed potatoes and gravy. Don’t be afraid to ask for the mashed potatoes as all three of your sides when you order your chicken bucket.

I hope this has inspired you to sample some new foods available to you on every street corner of your closest town.  Next week: The Obesity Trend in America - Where is This Coming From?

One of the questions writers get most is “Where do you get your ideas?”  Personally, I have always been able to see the sick and twisted in the boring and mundane.  There are horrors to behold every day.  Here, let me give you an example:

Annabel woke up suffocating.  Darkness surrounded her, and a mountain of weight was pressed down on her face and chest. She gasped for air, but none came – only the prickly smell of sweat and grunge. It was her own fault, she thought, right before losing consciousness – she hadn’t done laundry in two weeks.

See how easy it is to turn my neglect of household chores into a tale of terror for Annabel?  AND I can tell Jason I can’t do laundry because I’m too busy writing, so it’s a win-win for me.  Here, let’s try another:

Annabel was immediately attracted to Charlie.  His spiky black hair, sprinkled with gray at the temples; his eyes, inky pools into his black soul.  Everything about him screamed Vatican assassin warlock.  She leaned in next to him at the bar.
“Whatcha drinking, soldier?” she purred.
“Tiger blood,” he growled, and she knew she was in love.

This little story was influenced by too many hours of Entertainment Tonight.  I think it works, though.

If you’re afraid of being sued for libel, however, stick closer to home.  What bothers you every day?  Write about it!

The hot white pain in Annabel’s shoulder brought her to her knees.  She tugged at the jagged teeth that were digging in to her collarbone, praying for release.  This was the last time she would buy a bra from the clearance bin at Sav-a-Lot.

See?  It’s not so hard.  There are cranky salespeople, unpaid bills, and accident-causing skating rinks galore out there that you can turn in to horrifying tales of gore and mayhem.  

Go now, grasshopper.  I've taught you all you need to know.

I have three tenets in life by which I try to live.  I base all of my decisions on these priorities, and they read something like this:

1.  Nothing is more important than family.
2.  Do every job to the best of your ability, and success will follow, whether it be at work or doing laundry.
3.  When Duran Duran comes to town, do whatever is necessary, including (but not limited to) lying, cheating, robbing, defrauding, and hooking to get to that concert.

I don't mean just stealing money from your family or calling out sick from work.  I mean "do whatever is necessary" in the same context that John Gotti might mean it.  Because when it comes to Simon LeBon, John Taylor, Roger Taylor, and especially Nick Rhodes, my other two tenets go right out the window. There are priorities, and then there are priorities.

Imagine my pickle when my sister (whom I like to refer to as Mrs. John Taylor when her husband isn't around) called me (Mrs. Nick Rhodes) to inform me that our favorite band would be in town on April 2nd.  Tickets were outrageously priced, my knee is still very much immobilized and non-functioning, and in fact, surgery was scheduled for the very same day as the concert.  I knew what I had to do.

I called up the surgeon's office, trying to sound desperate and woeful.  "April 2nd is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day*," I pleaded.  "With all that Smuckers has done for my family, I have to celebrate."  The nurse agreed to postpone my surgery until after I underwent a psychiatric evaluation.  I didn't care if she thought I was crazy.  I was hungry to get to that concert.  Hungry like the wolf.

I repositioned my kneecap back where it was supposed to be (it likes to slide out of place once in a while, drifting to the right) and called my sister back.  "We're on!" I announced.  "Try and get handicapped seating, okay?"

Some people grow out of their childhood crushes.  I am not one of those emotionally mature people.

*Absolutely true.