I do a lot of Halloween attractions. I’m a horror writer, after all, so I feel like I’m obligated to check out these haunted houses and spooky spectacles for you.

Here are some of my favorites:

1.     Trail of Terror, Wallingford, CT—We did the trail a few years ago with my sister-in-law and brother-in-law. The line was long, but there were zombies doing the “Thriller” dance to entertain us as we waited. The power went out (really—it wasn’t meant to be part of the experience) when we were about a third of the way through. We were trapped in the dark for the better part of an hour. The truly terrifying part was how badly I needed to pee. However, the best moment of the Trail of Terror was at the bathroom facilities afterwards. Jason’s sister Joy waited until her brother was in the porta-potty, then started banging on the port-a-john walls and screaming. I nearly wet my pants from laughing so hard. Maybe you had to be there. But I’d highly recommend doing this attraction with my sister-in-law.

2.     Eastern State Penitentiary, Philadelphia, PA—This prison is absolutely worth touring during the day, and I do suggest you do the audio tour with Steve Buscemi narrating. At night in the fall, they turn it into a fabulous haunted attraction. The actors are spooky, completely into their roles, and there are seven different sections of the prison to walk through. So much fun!

3.     Six Flags Fright Fest, nationwide (I went to Agawam, MA)—I won’t lie: I’ve had better. But you have to hand it to Six Flags: they try. During the day, they have “Monstertainment” in the form of performing vampires, ghouls, and mummies; at night, they open up the Wicked Woods and Zombie’s Revenge. It’s fun, though repetitive—Area 51 hasn’t changed much from year to year, and throwing some cobwebs on the Buzzsaw doesn’t really make it more terrifying. But the Demon District and Midnight Mansion are fun. As with everything at Six Flags, their main goal is to part you from your money: many attractions require an additional fee.

4.     My cousin Lori’s house, Columbia, CT—Okay, so this isn’t open to the public, but she and her husband Frank delight in, and I quote, “scaring the living crap out of the neighborhood kids.” She had a ghastly pumpkin-head scarecrow on the lawn one year, and at least three kids pooped themselves when it moved. Hee hee! Too bad you can’t visit her.

5.     Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights, Orlando, FL—If you want to do Halloween right, you have to visit Universal during Horror Nights. They change over nine different attractions to make them haunted, and I’m not talking about some cheap nylon cobwebs. These people have the budget to change the whole freaking ride to make it so terrifying, you will be filling your shorts like the kids who live on my cousin Lori’s street. They think of everything, even shutting off the bulbs on the drive-in theater so the sign reads DIE-IN. Absolutely the pinnacle of Halloween fun.

So there you have it: my top picks in Halloween horror attractions. Apparently, for me, Halloween means soiling yourself repeatedly. If you can’t afford the trip to Orlando this October, I highly recommend trekking over to Philly. The prison’s awesome, the food is good, and they also do a haunted downtown tour of the city at night.

You do what you must to get your scare on. I’m going to Lori’s house.

I come from a long line of people pleasers. For centuries, members of my family have been the first ones to volunteer if something needs to be done, no matter how complicated it might be or what a huge imposition it is. But over generations of diapering other peoples’ babies or tasting the king’s food to make sure it wasn’t poisoned, my family started to learn an important thing: sometimes, it’s okay to say no. No, I don’t want to organize your shoe closet, Imelda. No, I won’t test the sharpness of that sword with my neck, Henry—ask your wife Anne to do it. Just no.

You see, for every person out there who will drive to Quebec City just to find those chocolate-filled croissants you like so much, from that little café on the side street whose name you can’t remember (true story), there’s an equal and opposite person who will absolutely expect you to make that drive for them, because they think they deserve chocolate-filled croissants. There are people pleasers, and there are egocentric, karma-sucking people users. Don’t be either one of these types of people.

A couple of years ago, I was on a job interview, and the CEO of the company asked me some really inappropriate interview questions. For a moment, I struggled to answer (“Have you ever sued a past employer? What would make you sue an employer, do you think?”). Then the clouds parted and a startling realization came down from the heavens and imparted itself upon me: I didn’t want this job. This woman was nuttier than a pecan log, and possibly involved in illegal activities. And then the follow-up: I don’t have to finish this interview.

The people pleaser in me wanted to answer her question, and give her the best answer possible; hopefully the answer she was expecting. (“Umm, I’m usually so loyal to my employer that I would never sue. Lunchtime chicken-porn movies are all in good fun, I say!”) But generations of poisoned food tasters had taught me something: you don’t have to please everyone all the time. It’s impossible. Also, get the hell out.

“You know, I don’t think I’m the best candidate for this position,” I said, getting up and shaking her hand. “Best of luck finding the right fit.” Then I walked—okay, ran—out.

When the egocentric karma-suckers start taking advantage, that’s when the resentment starts. Your time and talents are valuable, and the karma-suckers know it, but they think you don’t. So they’ll try to manipulate you. Don’t let them. It’s one thing to be a good friend; it’s another to be a doormat. Can I pick you up from the airport? Yes. Can I book your flight and pack your bags for you, then call ahead to the hotel to make sure there are mints on the pillow when you arrive? No.

When someone asks you for a favor (and by criminy, they do all the time, don’t they?) ask yourself these things:

1.    Is it a huge inconvenience for you? Be realistic. It’s probably not an inconvenience for you to tie your four-year-old nephew’s shoelaces. It might be an inconvenience to raise your four-year-old nephew to adulthood. I mean, does the kid want to go to college? Who’s paying for that?

2.    If you do it, will you resent the person who’s asking? This is why I stopped volunteering for a local pet rescue organization years ago. I offered to help trap some feral cats. Then they asked me for money to feed the feral cats, money to pay the feral cats’ vet bills, and wanted me to adopt the sixty-three feral cats I’d helped catch. I was willing to give up an afternoon to help trap feral cats. That was not enough for them. So I quit, hung a remarkably lifelike zombie mannequin being eaten by remarkably lifelike Styrofoam cats in the volunteer coordinator’s yard, and put a note on it that read “YOU.” All of this would’ve been avoided if I’d just declined to help to begin with.

3.     Or will it make you feel good to help them out? Sometimes, it’s nice to say yes. Yes, I would be happy to share this platter of fries with you. Not too many. Wait, is this a soup kitchen? Sigh. I guess you can have the whole plate. It’ll make me feel like a better person, even if it will also make me feel like a hungry person.

The lesson for today is this: it’s okay to say no. You don’t need to be a doormat. There are lots of people who will mistake kindness for weakness, and demand more of you. For these people, stock up on the remarkably lifelike zombie mannequins. You’re gonna need ‘em.

It's the most wonderful time of the year, and to celebrate Halloween, I've decided to list my favorite horror movie baddies of all time. Don't agree? Too bad. It's my blog, not yours.

10.  Michael Myers from the Halloween series

Though Donald Pleasance and Jamie Lee Curtis really make this movie for me, the fact that Michael Myers just won't die no matter how much you shoot, stab, and impale him is unsettling. I've got some bad guys in my own family. I'd like to think they'll die eventually. This guy just won't.

9.  Church from Pet Sematary

Maybe Gage creeped you out in this movie, but for me, it was the cat, Church, that did it for me. I love cats, but seeing Church all feral and possessed by demonic forces upset me more than the kid wandering out in front of a semi. I've never wanted to have kids, and my indifference to Gage's roadkill status just kind of proves that I made the right choice there. So the kid's a creature from Hell now. Eh. It's the poor mangy kitty-cat that still bothers me.

8.  Pinhead from the Hellraiser series

First off, you should know that I hate needles, things resembling needles, and witnessing anything that goes in to or under the skin. (Even splinters make me squeamish.) So it bothers me just to look at this guy. He does get major karma points, however, for being smugly amusing. My favorite Pinhead quote: "Do I look like someone who cares about what God thinks?" If I'm going to Hell, I fully expect Pinhead to be the guy waiting there.

7.  Norman Bates's mother in Psycho

Poor Norman Bates. He had so much potential. Shy in an endearing way, with the boyish good looks of Anthony Perkins (in the movie, anyway). If only he wasn't such a mama's boy. She really ruined his life . I guess it's true . . . we all go a little mad sometimes.

6.  Cujo the dog in Cujo

As I have previously mentioned, I am a cat person. But I was rooting for this giant, slobbering, slightly rabid Saint Bernard in this movie. Sure, he was terrifying, and he made me wet my pants a few times. But we, as the audience, were trapped inside that car with a shrill, screeching Danny Pintauro. His high-pitched wailing and sniveling made my ears bleed. I was with the dog—good Lord, I wanted that kid dead.

5.  Kane from Poltergeist II: The Other Side

This movie, as a whole, was disappointing. However, Julian Beck as the creepy preacher is just terrifying. Beck was dying of stomach cancer when this movie was shot, and as a result, he looks gaunt and gruesome. After sleeping with the lights on for years after watching the first Poltergeist, I'd just gotten used to the dark again until I watched Kane hiss "You're all gonna die!" and fished out my nightlight again.

4.  Jack Torrance from The Shining

Jack Nicholson was amazingly scary as a man losing his grip on reality in the most horrible of ways in this movie. The haunted hotel, the creepy twins, the elevator full of blood . . . I had nightmares. But the scariest part of all was that this movie raised a terrible question: If you can't trust your dad, who can you trust? (Answer: Scatman Crothers.)

3.  Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series

Though this is not my favorite eighties slasher series, I have a lot of respect for the villain, Jason Voorhees. Mostly because I've met Kane Hodder, the guy who plays him, several times, and he's a sweetheart. He's also really proud of the role he played in these movies, and even has a tattoo inside his lower lip that says "KILL." (Because the killer's theme music is "ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma," which, of course, is short for "Kill her, Mommy!") You've got to love a guy who embraces a character that much.

2.  Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs (and an honorable mention: Buffalo Bill)

This movie was brilliant. Anthony Hopkins was amazing as Hannibal Lecter. Ted Levine was ubercreepy as Jame Gumb. I cite this book and movie all the time when I'm talking about how to make your audience uncomfortable—by making the villain appealing. (James Spader on The Blacklist is another excellent example of this. Ooh! Maybe television baddies are next! But I digress.) I could watch this movie over and over again—and have.

1.  Freddy Krueger from the original Nightmare on Elm Street series

I LOVE Freddy Kreuger (and Robert Englund). I loved him when he was dark and sinister in the first A Nightmare on Elm Street, and I loved him as he cracked jokes while filleting teenagers in later installments. "Hey Dylan, ever played skin-the-cat?" Ha ha! That's comedic gold, my friends! Apparently, I'm willing to root for even a horribly burned, undead child murderer if he can make me laugh.

Every year in Colchester, they have a scarecrow contest on the green in the center of town. Since our bookstore is in Colchester, Jason decided that 1. We would sign up for the contest and 2. I would create the whole thing by myself. Incidentally, we're still not speaking.

Since the neighbors petitioned to kick us out of the neighborhood last Halloween, I decided to tone down our decorating this year.  Gone is the zombie hanging in effigy with a sign declaring “YOU” on it; this year, I tried to be a little more family friendly.

I found some porcelain doll heads at the local craft shop and decided to use these as decorations.  What could be more kid-friendly than dolls, right?  With some clever Sharpie art, some fake blood, and a little spirit gum, we now had a lawn full of mangled baby heads.  I just knew we’d get a ton of trick-or-treaters this year.

I visited the local grocery store for some candy to hand out, but their fun size candy bars seemed a little too blasé for me. I decided to go online and visit my friends at www.stupid.com for some REAL Halloween candy.

 There were so many fantastic options!  Gumball meatballs, candy larvae, gummy warts…it was hard to choose, but I finally settled on the scorpion pops, made with real scorpions.  I know, I'm a sentimental fool, but I like to spoil the local kids on this special day.

Halloween is also very close to Election Day, so I tried to get some of the rabid political nuts in the neighborhood in to the Halloween-y mood.  George Bannerman is running for local sheriff yet again, and one of the families down the road has their lawn covered in signs declaring “Bannerman Always Catches His Man!”  (I know it’s hokey, but we’re talking really small town politics here.) I decided to sneak over to the neighbor’s house—in the middle of the night, of course—and spice up their signs.  Imagine that family’s delight when they woke up the next morning and found their campaign signs now read “Bannerman Always Catches His Man, Disembowels Him, and Devours his Flesh Raw with Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti!” I’m sure that family had a good chuckle when they saw that!  I actually can only imagine that family’s delight, because the signs have all disappeared now.  I hear the sheriff’s office is still looking for the person who defaced the signs, but of course Bannerman is such a lunkhead he still hasn’t figured out that perhaps it was the house two doors down with the mangled baby heads on the lawn.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

It's Halloween today!  As you may have guessed, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays.  We were invited to two parties this year, so I wanted to make sure we looked good.
Jason first suggested that we go as Gomez and Morticia Addams, but since he is 6'5", I suggested that he was more the Herman Munster type.  He then suggested we go as Lurch and Grandmama.  A word to the wise: do not tell a late-thirtysomething woman you want her to dress up as an old hag.
After Jason removed my fist from his teeth, he suggested we go as Marilyn Monroe and JFK.  Not bad.  You want me to dress up as the sexiest woman that ever lived?  I can get on board with that.
I waited until Friday night to dye my hair platinum.  Except that it didn't come out platinum.  It came out yellow.  Crayola yellow.  I went to the experts - my Facebook friends - for help.  After consulting with one of the EMTs at work and a girl from high school who once dyed her hair three colors in three days, I went back to the beauty supply store.  I bought some Quick Blue and some more hair dye, and I was good to go.
I'm guessing the fact that I used major bleaching chemicals on my hair three times in 24 hours may be why my scalp is bleeding, but it worked.  I was finally Marilyn Platinum.
We had a great time at Jessica's house, and we stopped by the house of one of Jason's coworkers afterwards, which was also a good time.  I was freezing in my beaded gown, my feet were killing me in my stilettos, and my hair felt like crispy straw, but it was worth it.  Another successful Halloween!

I do not know my neighbors. I used to occasionally feel bad about that, but not any more. With the exception of Brenda, whom I just haven’t offended yet (might happen with this column), the rest of my neighbors just aren’t very nice.

To be fair, I’m not particularly friendly. I don’t bring homemade cookies over when someone new moves to the street. In fact, the only time I ever see my neighbors is if I get the wild notion to leave my house, which usually only happens when I am leaving to go to work. I see all sorts of fruitcakes at that time of morning. There is one lone jogger who apparently enjoys freezing his butt off in teeny short-shorts that are really inappropriate for his age in the early morning hours, and I always pass him on the way to the commuter lot. I used to wave to him, but he never waved back, so now I flip him off when I pass him. Sometimes I swerve towards him like I’m going to hit him, too – it’s a fun little game I like to play with him.

Someone egged the front door of our house once, and I’m pretty sure it was him. Cranky jerk.

There’s a woman who lives in the boarding house across the street who likes to let her dog wander around the neighborhood. I’ve met her twice, both times when I screamed at her dog for squatting in our yard and pooping.  She hasn’t spoken to me since I scooped up the dog poo with a shovel and flung it at her. The plus side is she doesn’t let her dog come over any more, either, though that might be because of the air rifle we bought to discourage Fido from coming over to play. Hard to say if it was the flying dookie or the gun that really turned her off from being our friend.

There was one girl down the street that used to stop by occasionally, but she showed up unexpectedly one evening just to say ‘hi’. It happened to be the day that my divorce from my first husband was finalized, and let’s just say I was celebrating. A lot. I might even have been slurring my words. I’m pretty sure I winked at her husband. She’s never come by since. I’m not too sad about that, though, because really, I hate it when people drop by unannounced. Makes it awkward if I want to walk around the house wearing my Hannibal Lecter mask.

So suffice to say we are the last ones on the block invited to participate in the neighborhood tag sale or block party. This Halloween, I decided to make amends. I carefully painted lifelike dummies of all of my neighbors, and  laid them around the yard. Then I put out a bunch of animated zombies and made it look like they were eating the disemboweled innards of everyone who lives on our street. If my neighbors don’t appreciate the gesture, well, then there’s just no pleasing them!



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Cover Art!10/08/2010

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The cover art for Daily Bites of Flesh has been released!  (I have two stories in this anthology.) Pretty sweet, right?




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FAQs10/02/2010

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I am constantly being bombarded with fan mail and questions from my loyal readers.  I thought I'd take the time today to answer some of the questions that have been posed.

Where do you get your ideas?
Some stuff comes from real life experiences - I think everyone’s childhood is filled with pleasant memories of the shambling undead and zombie infestations.  My short story “Down the Pike”, however, about a woman who is desperately unhappy and plans to murder her morbidly obese husband and his little dog, too, is pure fantasy.  It’s purely just coincidence that my morbidly obese ex-husband has a Chihuahua.

What does your family think about what you write?
My mother is wondering when I am going to give up the horror stuff and get cracking on my career as the next Erma Bombeck.  My sister is happy that I’m writing at all.  My Aunt Joanne, who has a similar sense of humor to my own, finds my stories of mulching with baby mice hilarious.  And I suspect my in-laws might not be aware of my budding horror writing career at all.

I think you still owe me $20 from college.
Who is this?  Heather?

Remember?  When we hung out on Lance’s balcony and we were all going to chip in for beer?  You never chipped in.
Debbie?  Is that you?

How much does writing pay, anyway?
Not a lot.  Unless you’re Stephen King, you may want to keep your day job.

No, I mean, does it pay you enough to pay me back for the beer?  With interest?
Nope.  I can offer you a free copy of “Rapid Decomposition” when it comes out.  Maybe. I have to check with the editor – let me get back to you on that.

Besides killing off your ex, have any of your other acquaintances shown up in your stories?
Sure!  The main character in “Good Night, Francine” is based on the sweet little old lady that lived across the street from me growing up.  Max Elliot, Exterminator, is a hybrid of actor Sam Elliot and my father. And one of the dispatchers where I work shows up in my short story “In Sickness” as the unfortunate victim of one of the newlyundead.  I do try to keep my libel lawsuits to a minimum, though.

Does your family know you’re a deadbeat?
Let’s look at this rationally.  It was over 15 years ago.  Clearly there was alcohol involved.   Of course I didn’t remember to chip in for beer.  I probably didn’t remember my name by the end of that party. Let it go!

Why do you mention cat barf so much?
Writers write about what they know.  I have two cats, Wednesday and Pugsley, and they both have veeeerry sensitive stomachs.  Unfortunately, cat vomit happens every day in my life.

I hope that this has answered all of your questions about my fabulous life as an author.  I do not have the answers to what the secret of happiness is, and I do not know which one's Pink.  I didn't try to seduce Joe Hill when I met him because I am happily married (really, Mom, what a question!)  Any further questions or debt settlement requests should be directed to Attorney Tom Kane, New London Tpke, Glastonbury, CT.

And for the record, that really was a great party on the balcony!
 



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