I’m pretty sure, given my lifelong love affair for all things Duran Duran, that it’s no secret I grew up in the 1980s. It was a simpler, more fluorescent time then. So many things happened that influenced who Gen Xers are today. I’m not talking about the fall of the Berlin Wall, or Reaganomics, or the development of the modern Internet. I’m talking about the fine selection of horror films being produced for consumption by young, impressionable minds during that time period. Here are some valuable life lessons we all learned from those instructive films:

1. To kill a leprechaun, you must slingshot a four-leaf clover down his gullet. However, don’t expect him to stay dead. He’ll be back, at least five more times, and he wants his gold.

2. Don’t build your home on a Native American burial ground. Also, stuffed clowns are a terrible birthday gift idea. You might as well put out a doormat that reads POLTERGEISTS WELCOME HERE.

3. Speaking of bad birthday gifts, put that Good Guy doll right back on the shelf. You can’t be sure the spirit of a serial killer doesn’t possess that thing. Need a good gift? That puppet master down the road had some cool toys in his window.

4. To kill a bloodthirsty, machete-wielding murderer in a hockey mask, you need to put an axe through his head, kill him with his own machete, chain him to the bottom of the lake where he initially drowned, drag him back to the bottom of the lake again after he escapes, blow him up with a grenade, stab him with a mystical dagger, freeze him in cryonic suspension, or eject him into space. Of course, he’ll still come back. You thought the leprechaun was bad? He was child’s play compared to this guy!

5. Things to avoid: April Fool’s Day, prom night, graduation day, sleepaway camp, trolls, chopping malls, Motel Hell, and critters.

6. Speaking of malls: if there’s a zombie apocalypse happening all around you, do not go to the mall. Also not recommended: living in an underground military bunker where a commander whose mental state is questionable at best is conducting experiments on zombies; living near a cemetery.

7.  If your dad is offered a job as caretaker for the winter at a Colorado hotel, try to talk him out of it. If he’s truly taken a shine to the place, maybe you can live with friends for the winter or something. I’m sure Isaac and Malachai have room.

8. To fight vampires, you need stakes, holy water, and two Coreys. Though really, why fight them? If Keifer Sutherland and Jason Patric taught us nothing else, they did prove that vampires are sexy.

9. When buying a home, maybe avoid Elm Street. You thought the hockey mask guy was hard to kill? Ha! The only way to avoid Freddy Krueger is to take hypnocil and move the hell away from Elm Street. What about that nice split-level ranch in Haddonfield?

 10. Anything can be used as a murder weapon. Paper clips, horsehead bookends, chalkboard erasers, an eggplant . . . the possibilities are endless.

Kids today have no idea how hard it was to survive an ’80s horror movie. These days, they think if something’s not working for them, they can just reboot it. 

Pinheads.

I’ve waxed poetic a few times about my favorite actors. But up until now, I haven’t shared my list of actors I can’t stand, mostly because that would be mean. However, I’m short on material this week, so I’ve decided to toss my instincts to not be cruel aside and instead trash some celebrities who have made a lot more money than I have doing something that, while doing it terribly, is still something I've never attempted. So here is my list of people who can't act:

10. Tom Green

Kind of a no-brainer with this guy. He’s not funny,  but he thinks he is, which makes him unfunny and obnoxious.

9. Tia Carrere

I give this woman a lot of credit for going on Dancing With The Stars something like six weeks after giving birth. I really do. But she can't act. I remember watching her in Wayne's World and thinking Huh. I didn't expect this lady to be the worst thing about this turdblossom of a movie.

8. Ryan Phillippe

Does anybody even remember what this vanilla milkshake of an actor has even done, besides marry Reese Witherspoon? (She did eventually realize she could do better and divorced him.) Did you know he was in Gosford Park, Flags of Our Fathers, and The Lincoln Lawyer? No? You didn't remember because he's bland, boring, and unremarkable.

7. Nicholas Cage

I am not over The Wicker Man yet. There are so many things I could've done with those wasted 102 minutes: visited a local garage to see how automobiles are fixed. Written a letter to my congressman about what a good job he's doing (if I knew his name, that is). Clipped my toenails. Something other than sitting through that crapfest. 
Also, he reminds one of my coworkers of someone she doesn't like. Strike two. And strike three, because Wicker Man.

6. Jean Claude Van Damme

I still can't figure out why anyone ever paid to see this guy in a movie. (I should also probably mention here that I don't particularly like movies with a lot of [read: any] martial arts.) I cringe when he opens his mouth. He's not handsome. And in the spirit of full disclosure, I'll admit I can forgive a lot if you're pretty to look at. Jason Statham: can't act, does a lot of fancy fighting in his movies, pretty to look at. I sure do love me some Jason Statham.

You, Mr. Van Damme, are no Jason Statham.

5. Rob Schneider

I hate picking on this guy, because everybody does. Plus, it's not like he has a huge, undeserved ego, like Tom Green. In fact, Tom Green should be higher on my list than this guy, because Green is an incompetent troll who thinks he's awesome. Let me reiterate: he is not. But I don't feel like renumbering the whole list, so just assume Schneider is 10 and Green is 5.
Rob Schneider: seems nice, but makes stupid films.

4. Ashton Kutcher

Honestly, if this guy hadn't married Demi Moore, I would still have no idea who he is. I think he was on some show once, and then he was on another show. He might've been in a movie, too. I don't know. Here's what I do know: he single-handedly caused every woman my age who dates a man even six months younger than her to now be referred to as a "cougar." Thanks a lot, jerk.

3. Emilio Estevez

The powers that be might revoke my "child of the eighties" card for this, but I'll confess, I never understood what the big deal was about Emilio Estevez. He was forgettable in The Outsiders, a total milk dud in St. Elmo's Fire, and the janitor in Breakfast Club turned in a better performance than this guy. The Mighty Ducks may have been the peak of his acting skills. Just terrible.

2. David Arquette

I often feel embarrassed for David Arquette when he shows up in something. He's not funny, his comedic timing is nonexistent, and he acts like idiocy is something to be proud of. How he ever got Courtney Cox to marry him is a mystery to this day. She said she fell in love with him because he was funny. When I read that, I mailed her a copy of Mad magazine with a note telling her to raise her standards.

1. David Caruso
I don’t know why this man irritates me so much, but if you want to see me change from mild-mannered, coffee-sipping farmer’s daughter to crazed, furious, shooting-flames-out-of-my-eye-sockets maniac in 2.3 seconds, change the channel to an old episode of CSI: Miami. I hate this guy’s voice, his face, his mannerisms, and have been known to screech, “He’s standing still too loudly! TURN IT OFF!” shrilly enough to shatter ice cubes. He can’t act, he’s not attractive, and he’s a condescending egomaniac. Did I say I didn’t know why he irritated me? Mystery solved.



There you have it. Agree with me, disagree,  or try to debate me about why martial arts films are great. (Is Jason Statham in it? No? Then no.) Here's what I know: my blog is now done for the week, and I truly hate David Caruso.

I’ve never been particularly attracted to the type of person who demands the spotlight. Growing up in the '80s, it was not the showboating Simon LeBon or sexy John Taylor who kept me tuning in to watch Duran Duran videos on MTV; it was the quiet keyboardist in the background who kind of looked like a girl that caught my interest. The same held true for movies and television. It was not River Phoenix who inspired me to watch Stand By Me seventeen times; I wanted to know more about the guy playing River’s older brother. You know: the actor who got approximately six seconds of screen time. Whatever happened to that guy?

I decided to take the time and investigate what, indeed, had happened to some of my favorite actors you have probably never heard of.

1. Bradley Gregg

With his dark curls and wide eyes, this seldom-seen actor’s appearances on the big screen always made my teenage heart go pitter-pat. This was the man who made the aforementioned role of Eyeball Chambers in Stand By Me unforgettable (in my book; others seem to have forgotten him entirely). He popped up in minor roles throughout the '80s, including as Phillip Anderson (the puppet guy) in Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors and as Sean O’Brien in the Lonesome Dove TV miniseries. You remember—the kid who was killed in spectacular fashion by water moccasins.

Where is he now?

Mr. Gregg dropped off the acting map, having only appeared in four minor roles after 1997. Incidentally, this is the same year that he has stated he found God. He started a film and video production company called Eventide Fields to make movies about how wonderful God is.

What? No drug problems, jail time, or syphilis scandals? This is not how I expect my teenage heartthrobs to wind up. I’m a bit disappointed.

2. Peter DeLuise

Back before Hollywood started making really crappy movies based on ’80s shows, tarnishing the reputation of television in a decade that really wasn’t that bad, there was an awesome little show on the up-and-coming Fox network called 21 Jump Street. While most girls my age were swooning over Johnny Depp in this ensemble piece, it was Peter DeLuise, playing Depp’s partner Doug Penhall, who had me giggling. He then went on to "star" (I use the term loosely) in Stargate SG-1, then disappeared. I thought.

Where is he now?

Peter has continued to act steadily in some really minor roles (“Witness #1” in Smile of April, for instance), never quite achieving the fame his costar found.
DeLuise is reportedly directing television shows, and did have a cameo in the 2012 movie 21 Jump Street. If I were to be honest, I’d tell you that the movie was a festering boil of stinking pus, but did I mention Peter DeLuise had a cameo in it? The teenage girl who still resides deep in my dark soul let loose a high-pitched squeeeee when he showed up on screen.

Also, DeLuise is now losing his hair, but does not shave his head. Yet another teenage crush to disappoint me.

3. Ian Ziering

Beverly Hills 90210 started airing when I was seventeen-year-old girl. I was 100% their target demographic. I missed nary an episode.

At the time, it was not the cocky and crazy Steve Sanders, played by Ian Ziering, who made me all gooey inside. I was a Jason Priestley gal, having adored him since his minor role as Tober in a 21 Jump Street episode. And I’m not gonna lie: Luke Perry was pretty dreamy, too. In my mind, Ziering was just there as the token blond to offset the other two dreamboats’ sideburns.

Then, a funny thing happened. 90210 ended, and Priestley and Perry faded off into that good night, banished to minor TV roles, failed sitcoms, and B movies. And Ziering began to pimp himself with the glee and gusto of a child who has just discovered that pudding not only tastes good, but is fun to fling, too.

Where is he now?

Ian (that’s eye-an, NOT eee-an) has been acting in bad television (Son of the Beach), good cartoons (he was the voice of Harry Osborn in the 2003 Spider-Man series, and Vinnie in Biker Mice from Mars), and the BEST made-for-TV movie series EVER: Sharknado and Sharknado 2: The Second One. He’s happy to pop up on reality television, making it to the semi-finals of Dancing with the Stars in 2005, and currently butting heads with Geraldo Rivera on Celebrity Apprentice. What I like most about this man is that he always, always, seems to be having the time of his life.

Upon meeting Ian Ziering in late 2014, my life came full circle. “Hi,” I said. “I’m your demographic.”

“Hello, demographic,” he said, flashing a wide grin, appearing for all the world to be having the time of his life among aging wrestlers in a crowded, body-odor-reeking convention. Jason Priestley and Luke Perry were but faded teenage memories. As an adult, I was now a full-fledged member of #TeamIan.

There you have it. In case you’ve lain in bed at night wondering what ever happened to the guy that chased River Phoenix on top of a train in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (hint: that, too, was Bradley Gregg), wonder no more. Eventually, we all grow up and find new things to interest us. (Sort of. Go #TeamIan!)

I like to think that we never stop learning. I try to find life lessons in everything I see, read, or hear, and then pass on that wisdom like I came up with it myself. There is much to be learned from everything around us. For example, the movie Jurassic Park taught me a lot about life. (For you purists out there, yes, the book was better, and yes, it was different—don’t get on my case about how the kids’ roles were changed in the film. I’m working with what I think more people are familiar with here.) Anyway, here goes:

1.  If you want a job done right, send a woman to do it.

First of all, the dinosaurs at Jurassic Park were all born female. And I think we all can agree that the dinos were running the show in this flick.

Secondly, it was Dr. Ellie Sattler who rolled up her sleeves and dug into the dinosaur dung to solve the mystery of the sick triceratops. I didn’t see any of the men around her offering to help. Also, it was Ellie who dodged velociraptors in the maintenance shed to get the power primed to come back on. (Arguably, I can see why they sent Samuel L. Jackson first—I would think nobody, not even carnivorous death dinos, would want to mess with him, but those raptors were apparently even tougher than Samuel L. himself.) Impressive. Send in the woman!

Finally, it was teenaged Alexis ("Lex") Murphy who hacked the computers in the park and got things running again, and Lex who trapped the raptor in the walk-in freezer. Honestly, I don’t know what you guys would do without us.

2.  It’s fun to scare kids.

One of the most memorable scenes in Jurassic Park is when Lex and Tim are pigging out, and Lex’s spoonful of Jell-o starts shaking. Why? Because she’s scared out of her wits, which is hilarious.

Hee hee! And remember that kid from Nightmare on Elm Street V who was at Dr. Grant’s dig site? And Dr. Grant scared the poop out of him with that velociraptor claw? Priceless!

Also a good indication as to why I shouldn’t have kids.

3.  There will always be someone bigger or smarter than you. Just be yourself.

Sure, sometimes it’s nice to get a compliment like “clever girl” from the game warden right before you eat him, but we can’t all be at the top of the food chain. There will always be someone bigger than you, smarter than you, or more willing to spontaneously change genders to ensure the survival of the species than you. Don’t worry about them. Just be you.

Do you think the dilophosaurus was worrying about what the T. rex was doing or what the velociraptors were plotting as she went about her business? Heck, no. She just let her freak frills fly and slung poisonous phlegm like only she could do. And at the end of the day, that’s all that mattered.

4.  It’s okay to say no.

You don’t need to be a doormat to get people to like you. There will be times in your life when people will ask you to do things that you really don’t want to do. It’s okay to say no. The world will not end. And you’ll feel better for it. In the words of Dr. Alan Grant: “Mr. Hammond, after careful consideration, I’ve decided not to endorse your park.” And you know what? Mr. Hammond was okay with that.

5.  Things always work out in the end.

I know that life is hard. I have had many, many days in which it felt like the velociraptors had me trapped in the lobby of the visitors’ center, ready to serve me up for Sunday brunch. Did I give up? (Admittedly, yes, sometimes. There are days when I don’t even get out of bed.)  The point is, we shouldn’t give up. Whether you believe it’s God, or the universe, or karma, just when things look as bad as they possibly could, a giant T. rex will show up to snack on the velociraptors of life. (It’s a figure of speech. Just roll with it, okay?) It’s hard to keep the faith, I know. But when I’m really feeling down, I like to imagine that some well-fed T. rex somewhere is using the bones of my enemies as toothpicks.

There you have it: important life lessons, brought to you by Michael Crichton, Steven Spielberg, and me. Now go on out there and let your freak frill fly!

You may think I’m a grinch, and you know, you’re absolutely right about that. I make no bones about the fact that I can’t stand holiday music, movies, stories, or Bing Crosby. But surely I wouldn’t be so grinchy as to make fun of the most revered holiday classic, right? Not It’s a Wonderful Life, starring Jimmy Stewart, a man so impeccable in his conduct and reputation that he is still being considered for sainthood by the Catholic Church? I wouldn’t dream of going there, would I? Well, buckle up, Jimmy, because your saccharine lump of stupid is going down.

It’s a Wonderful Life opens with a suicidal George Bailey getting ready to jump off a bridge. This movie would’ve been a whole lot shorter and potentially more enjoyable if the director had just let him do his thing, but no, a meddling angel named Clarence has to interfere. First we are shown flashbacks of George’s life. We see George as a pharmacist’s assistant, saving a kid’s life when the pharmacist fills the kid’s prescription with the wrong pills. Great, right? But does George tell anyone else that the pharmacist is losing it and might be doling out death to everyone  in town coming in for a harmless antibiotic? Heck, no. George goes on his merry way, never tipping off the cops as to the true identity of the mysterious Bedford Falls Poisoner.

After George’s father dies (because nothing says “feel good” like the death of a parent, you sicko freaks) George is forced to give up his dreams in order to run the family business. He doesn’t want to, but George is a bit of a doormat, so he just does it, settling into a life of misery and unfulfilled dreams. Personally, I can’t believe he waited as long as he did to try and kill himself. His brother Harry is supposed to take over the business after using George’s college money for his own purposes, but we can all see where that’s headed, can’t we? That’s right—Harry leaves George high and dry, taking a job instead with his father-in-law. Thanks, bro. You’re a peach.

George then marries Mary, a woman he has bickered and sniped with since they first met, always a great way to choose a mate. They have to use their honeymoon money to bail out the Bailey Building & Loan after a bank run nearly ruins them. World War II starts, because that’s cheery, and George and Mary continue to struggle, which is evidenced in the fact that they name their fourth kid Zuzu. Clearly they have both lost their minds.

$8,000 is stolen from the Building and Loan’s cash funds, George is about to be arrested, and he can’t get a loan to save his business. George decides to get drunk and off himself. Can you feel the uplifting holiday joy radiating off of this stinker yet?

Clarence swoops in and shows George what life would be like if he’d never been born. There’s a cemetery instead of Bailey Park (and I personally don’t understand why that’s worse: I’ve always enjoyed a nice cemetery) and the poisoning pharmacist is thrown in jail (again, why is this a problem?). His brother is dead, his uncle is crazy, and his mom is a bitter widow—all things that would’ve happened eventually anyway, methinks. Bedford Falls is now Pottersville, a thriving city filled with booming nightclubs and pawn shops. Looks good to me, but apparently this shocks George into wanting to live. He returns home, where a bunch of people have donated money to save his neck. A nice gesture, but who is going to save George’s behind the next time this happens? Then George’s kid with the dumb name lisps something about angels getting their wings, but since I have no patience for children or speech impediments, I had to turn it off.

This movie is depressing. The main message here, which I took to be “Hey George, it could be worse,” is the worst possible thing you can say to a depressed person. Trust me on this. When I hear “It could be worse,” I think “I don’t give a crap. This sucks for me right now.” You know what gets me down even faster than “It could be worse?” Having to sit through a nauseating and pointless holiday movie like this slop. No, I much prefer the Married with Children version, in which Al Bundy begs angel Sam Kinison to give him his life back, just so he can make his family miserable again. At least Al had a goal. Something to live for.

Now that’s a wonderful life.

There's nothing that chaps my nether regions quite like a sexist film that everybody loves. Let's take a look at a few box office hits over the years, and examine the truly terrible messages they send.

1. PRETTY WOMAN (1990)

Sure, it's a happy little love story, but it's also a pile of crap. When Vivian (Julia Roberts) tells Edward (Richard Gere) "I want the fairytale," I want to slap her. Reality check, princess: the fairytale isn't a realistic goal, so stop telling women that it is. There is no rich, gorgeous john out there waiting to rescue the impossibly attractive hookers of the world. The only person you can count on to take care of you is you. Put on your big girl pants and start taking charge of your own life.

2. THE LITTLE MERMAID (1989)

Ah, the Disney movie that taught little girls everywhere that it's not your creative talents or your personality that makes you special, but how pretty you are. Think about it: Ariel gives up her voice (and her beautiful singing talent) so she can meet Eric, because he's cute. How can she possibly win him over? Easy—with her sexy eyes, stunning red hair, and kissable lips. What a fabulous message to send to your daughters.

3.  BLACK SWAN (2010)

One of my college roommates was a professional ballet dancer, so it's safe to assume I'm an expert on this. I get that the ballet world is cutthroat and bulimic and awful. But this movie sends a terrible message: In order to be perfect, you have to be thin. (What? What message did you get from the movie?) Mila Kunis dropped 20 pounds, weighing in at 95 lbs. (at 5' 4"), for this part. Yet Mila still has boobs, which any Weight Watchers success story (or ballerina, for that matter) will tell you is impossible without implants. This movie sends an unrealistic and horrible message to women about body types and perfectionism. Plus, the whole darn movie was confusing. I hated it.

4. THE TWILIGHT SERIES (2008 – 2012)

If you think I'm going to attack Kristin Stewart (Bella) in this series, think again. We all know she's insipid and lifeless and can't act, so I don't need to reiterate that. No, my bigger problem with this movie is poor Taylor Lautner (Jacob).
Sexism works both ways, folks, and why Taylor wasn't allowed to wear a shirt while filming this terrible series is beyond me. (Whom am I kidding? It was to distract us from his lack of acting abilities and the laughably awful script.) While I would argue that his abs are the best thing about this steaming mountain of turds, I recognize that that's a shamefully sexist thing to say. Yet I will somehow find the strength to go on despite this character flaw.

5. THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN (2005)

Do I have a problem with the implications that it is ridiculous and something to be ashamed of in today's society for a 40-year-old man to be a virgin? No. I simply don't care about that part. Here's my problem: there's a hyphen missing in the title. Honestly, would it kill you filmmakers to run your movie titles by a proofreader? An intern that happens to be an English major? Someone? Please? Because right now, this implies that it's a movie about forty tiny,  year-old virgins. Call the authorities!


There you have it. I could've filled this list with at least ten more Disney films, at least, but I think you all know where I stand on that (why yes, killing Snow White because she's prettier than you is perfectly reasonable, you old hag). Sexism: alive and thriving in the movie industry.

It's the most wonderful time of the year, and to celebrate Halloween, I've decided to list my favorite horror movie baddies of all time. Don't agree? Too bad. It's my blog, not yours.

10.  Michael Myers from the Halloween series

Though Donald Pleasance and Jamie Lee Curtis really make this movie for me, the fact that Michael Myers just won't die no matter how much you shoot, stab, and impale him is unsettling. I've got some bad guys in my own family. I'd like to think they'll die eventually. This guy just won't.

9.  Church from Pet Sematary

Maybe Gage creeped you out in this movie, but for me, it was the cat, Church, that did it for me. I love cats, but seeing Church all feral and possessed by demonic forces upset me more than the kid wandering out in front of a semi. I've never wanted to have kids, and my indifference to Gage's roadkill status just kind of proves that I made the right choice there. So the kid's a creature from Hell now. Eh. It's the poor mangy kitty-cat that still bothers me.

8.  Pinhead from the Hellraiser series

First off, you should know that I hate needles, things resembling needles, and witnessing anything that goes in to or under the skin. (Even splinters make me squeamish.) So it bothers me just to look at this guy. He does get major karma points, however, for being smugly amusing. My favorite Pinhead quote: "Do I look like someone who cares about what God thinks?" If I'm going to Hell, I fully expect Pinhead to be the guy waiting there.

7.  Norman Bates's mother in Psycho

Poor Norman Bates. He had so much potential. Shy in an endearing way, with the boyish good looks of Anthony Perkins (in the movie, anyway). If only he wasn't such a mama's boy. She really ruined his life . I guess it's true . . . we all go a little mad sometimes.

6.  Cujo the dog in Cujo

As I have previously mentioned, I am a cat person. But I was rooting for this giant, slobbering, slightly rabid Saint Bernard in this movie. Sure, he was terrifying, and he made me wet my pants a few times. But we, as the audience, were trapped inside that car with a shrill, screeching Danny Pintauro. His high-pitched wailing and sniveling made my ears bleed. I was with the dog—good Lord, I wanted that kid dead.

5.  Kane from Poltergeist II: The Other Side

This movie, as a whole, was disappointing. However, Julian Beck as the creepy preacher is just terrifying. Beck was dying of stomach cancer when this movie was shot, and as a result, he looks gaunt and gruesome. After sleeping with the lights on for years after watching the first Poltergeist, I'd just gotten used to the dark again until I watched Kane hiss "You're all gonna die!" and fished out my nightlight again.

4.  Jack Torrance from The Shining

Jack Nicholson was amazingly scary as a man losing his grip on reality in the most horrible of ways in this movie. The haunted hotel, the creepy twins, the elevator full of blood . . . I had nightmares. But the scariest part of all was that this movie raised a terrible question: If you can't trust your dad, who can you trust? (Answer: Scatman Crothers.)

3.  Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series

Though this is not my favorite eighties slasher series, I have a lot of respect for the villain, Jason Voorhees. Mostly because I've met Kane Hodder, the guy who plays him, several times, and he's a sweetheart. He's also really proud of the role he played in these movies, and even has a tattoo inside his lower lip that says "KILL." (Because the killer's theme music is "ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma," which, of course, is short for "Kill her, Mommy!") You've got to love a guy who embraces a character that much.

2.  Hannibal Lecter from The Silence of the Lambs (and an honorable mention: Buffalo Bill)

This movie was brilliant. Anthony Hopkins was amazing as Hannibal Lecter. Ted Levine was ubercreepy as Jame Gumb. I cite this book and movie all the time when I'm talking about how to make your audience uncomfortable—by making the villain appealing. (James Spader on The Blacklist is another excellent example of this. Ooh! Maybe television baddies are next! But I digress.) I could watch this movie over and over again—and have.

1.  Freddy Krueger from the original Nightmare on Elm Street series

I LOVE Freddy Kreuger (and Robert Englund). I loved him when he was dark and sinister in the first A Nightmare on Elm Street, and I loved him as he cracked jokes while filleting teenagers in later installments. "Hey Dylan, ever played skin-the-cat?" Ha ha! That's comedic gold, my friends! Apparently, I'm willing to root for even a horribly burned, undead child murderer if he can make me laugh.

Here's hoping your turkey day was as steeped in tradition as mine. On Thanksgiving Eve, Jason and I like to watch Thankskilling, a fabulous little film about a killer turkey, to put us in the holiday mood. We prefer to spend our Thanksgiving morning bickering (in my defense, he tried to talk to me before my first cup of coffee, which is never, ever, advisable). Then we head over to my mother's house to share our testy attitudes with family.

Being in bed all weekend with my knee propped up and carefully portioning out Oxycontin so I don't become addicted has left me with a lot of time on my hands.  Couple that with free HBO and Showtime this month, and you can imagine what I've been doing the past few days.  That's right - I've been watching a lot of crappy movies.  Watching Megapython vs. Gatoroid, with its insta-classic catfight scene between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, has inspired me to make a list of my favorite horror movies.

Note: these are my favorite horror movies of all time, not necessarily what you believe are the best horror movies of all time.  Your gripes that The Exorcist is not included are not welcomed nor appreciated.  I didn't see it until I was 32 and I'd built it up in my mind so much that when I did see The Exorcist, it just didn't scare me that much.

10.  The Lost Boys (1987, starring Jason Patric, Keifer Sutherland, the two Coreys, and Alexander Winter)  Before there was Twilight, there was this original teen vampire movie, a drool fest for every teenage girl in the 80s.  Keifer Sutherland as David, the supercool vampire who tricks Jason Patric into becoming one of the undead?  Bite me...please!

9.  The Nightmare on Elm Street Series (1984 - 2003, Robert Englund)  I love it when the scary bad guy has a sense of humor.  Robert Englund hamming it up as the razor-fingered child murderer makes these films my favorite guilty pleasure.

8.  Frozen (2010, cast of unknowns)  What is your biggest fear?  To lose your loved ones?  To die alone?  Mine has always been to be eaten by wolves.  This movie delivers on my worst nightmare tenfold.

7.  Pet Sematary (1989, Fred Gwynn, Denise Crosby)  The book by Stephen King scared me so badly my hair went prematurely gray at the age of 11.  Why I thought it would be a good idea to then watch the movie is beyond me.  Forget the little kid with the knife - the mangled cat still terrifies me today.

6.  The Changeling (1980, George C. Scott)  This movie has little blood, gore, and absolutely no zombies, but it still made me jump out of my skin.  A simple ghost story about a man staying in a haunted mansion...still up there as one of the scariest movies I've ever seen.

5.  The Shining (1980, Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall)  I KNOW Stanley Kubrick butchered the novel by Stephen King, but the result was still a great movie.  Jack Torrance takes a job as the winter caretaker of a haunted hotel and drags his wife and son along.  As a writer, the idea of isolating oneself in a creepy hotel for the winter to work on the Great American Novel is definately appealing to me.  Going stir crazy (or just regular crazy) and hacking my family to bits...the scariest part of this movie is that it could happen.  Except for the creepy twin girls randomly apparating in the hallway.  That probably wouldn't happen in real life.

4.  Student Bodies (1981, cast of unknowns)  My BFF in high school, Laura, made me watch this movie, thus proving herself to be the best BFF ever.  This horror movie spoof about a killer named The Breather stalking a high school still makes me laugh out loud and wet my pants a little bit every time I watch it.

3.  Psycho (1960, Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh)  Alfred Hitchcock is my favorite director of all time, and like many, many people, this is my favorite movie by Hitch.  Plus, I thought Norman Bates was just adorable.  A little too attached to his mother, maybe, but still a cutie pie.  

2.  The Silence of the Lambs (1991, Anthony Hopkins, Jodie Foster)  The most disturbing thing about this movie was that the bad guy...was someone you kind of wanted to root for.  Dr. Hannibal Lecter is brilliant, enchanting, entertaining, and a sadistic cannibal.  What scared me the most was that I would have definately dated that guy if I'd ever met him.  Then he'd eat my liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

1.  Poltergeist (1982, Craig T. Nelson, JoBeth Williams)  This movie has always scared me and continues to terrify me.  I first saw it when I was 9 years old at a sleepover party, and I still have occasional nightmares about kid-eating trees and possessed stuffed clowns to this day.  I watched it again when I was 30 and had to sleep over my parents' house that night because I was afraid to be in my house alone until I could verify with the assessor's office that it hadn't been built on an indian burial ground.  

Feel free to argue, rant, commend, or ridicule my list as you see fit.  I'm off to check my closets to make sure there are no portals to other dimensions in there.