​If you haven’t been planning your Halloween costume since November 1 of last year, then we’re probably not friends, but I’m here to help anyway. Perhaps you’re thinking of going the cheap route: a black garbage bag and a halo, so you can be holy s**t. I’m here to tell you that while yes, I’d chuckle at that, you may want to consider something a little more traditional—but with a twist, of course.
 
Witch
 
Cheap, yet practical. It’s easy enough to pick up a witch’s hat for a buck at the Dollar Store. But you won’t be winning any costume prizes with a stupid hat and black dress. If you want to win free food or at least get someone to buy you a drink, I recommend going for a Hollywood witch. If you’re a redhead, do up your hair like Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus and pay the extra buck for a pair of fake buck teeth. If you prefer something a little less elaborate, slap some green makeup on your face and print out a “Wanted: Dorothy (and her little dog, too)” poster. Voila! Now you look creative, with very little effort expended.
 
Ghost
 
There’s nothing cheaper—nor more boring—than a ghost. I don’t understand why people bother to cut two holes in a sheet and call it a Halloween costume. This is the easiest thing in the world to class up: simply cut more holes in the sheet, and now you’re Charlie Brown circa It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!, a beloved children’s cartoon.
 
Zombie
 
I think we can all agree zombies are overdone. Don’t get me started on how stupid it is that they’re doing another spinoff of The Walking Dead when Fear the Walking Dead is a dumpster fire. Plus, this costume requires ruining clothes and having a makeup artist on hand. Who has time for that? Go for the Charlie Brown ghost instead. You’ll thank me later.
 
Mummy
 
In theory, a mummy costume should be easy enough. Any idiot with a roll of toilet paper in the house can construct this. However, the outfit can be cumbersome and tear easily (though you’ll be very popular when the party you’re at runs out of t.p. in the ladies’ room). If you have your heart set on this character, better to just print out a picture of Boris Karloff circa 1932, cut eye holes in it, tape it to a popsicle stick, and use it as a mask. Tell everybody you’re the original mummy. Scorn the people who show up wrapped in toilet paper.
 
Goblin
 
Ugh. You’re talking prosthetic noses, spirit gum, and fake back humps here. Did I not mention the Charlie Brown ghost?
 
 
There you have it: my guide to putting together a cheap-yet-traditional Halloween costume. Have fun! I’ll be staying home in my pajamas that night.