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The Year-Round Joys of a Garden

1/25/2019

 
I did a lot of chopping and shredding and baking and boiling and bagging this past fall, in anticipation of this very moment: it’s a cold, snowy day … the perfect excuse to dig out some of the carefully prepped and frozen bounty from our garden.
 
My thought was to make beef stew. That way, I could use up some of the potatoes, onions, and green beans I’d harvested last year. Plus, we’d bought some beef a month ago on clearance at Walmart, and it wasn’t until I got home and looked at it, graying in the package, that I realized perhaps buying beef on clearance at Walmart was not going to result in the highest quality meat. The only way we were going to choke down the stuff was by simmering it in water until it disintegrated. I'd labeled it “for stew” and thrown it in the freezer.
 
With the Crock Pot on the counter, ready to go, I tossed in some water and beef bouillon, then went downstairs to the chest freezer for my main ingredients. The meat came out, along with the green beans, cubed potatoes, and … wait, where were the onions? I glanced out my basement window to our now-snow-covered patch of dirt. There, poking up from a half inch of white, were the unmistakable tips of our onion stalks. It seems I’d forgotten to actually pick, wash, chop, and freeze them. Oops!
 
No worries. I had onion powder. I grabbed a frozen container of peppers to add instead, and to make the stew look heartier. I dumped everything in the Crock Pot, set it to low, and went upstairs to nap.
 
A few hours later, it was time to see how my concoction was doing. I dipped in the ladle, and came up with … well, gross. I wasn’t going to eat that.
 
The green beans were white. (Turns out you can’t just zip ’em in a sandwich bag—they’ll get freezer burn.) The potatoes, which I’d partially cooked before freezing, had disintegrated into cottage-cheese-looking clumps. And the peppers had lost their skins, so now everything had strips of sharp-edged green slime stuck to it.
 
The good news is, I hadn’t cubed the beef yet, so I could fish that out easily, rinse it off, and dump out the rest of the pot. I did so, leaving a steaming stain of what looked suspiciously like stew vomit in the snow outside our front door.

 
I rinsed out the pot, started with a fresh new batch of water, more beef bouillon, and the meat. Opening the cupboard, I found a dusty old can of sliced carrots, and two fairly dust-free cans of whole potatoes. I rummaged around, finding Jason’s hidden stash of canned green beans behind a stack of recipes we never look at. He prefers canned green beans to fresh. And I hate baking, thus the ignored recipes. It was a brilliant hiding spot, all in all. Everything got dumped in. This new batch of stew took me exactly ten minutes to throw together.
 
Feeling guilty, I looked outside again.

A withered onion stalk waved back at me from the snow.
 
I put on my boots, trudged out to the garden, and dug out the onion. Snow and half-frozen dirt clung to a bulb the size of my thumb. I brought it inside, cleaned it, chopped it up, and tossed it in to the new batch of stew.
 
When Jason came home, I handed him a steaming bowl of beefy yumminess.
 
“This from our garden?” he said, beaming.
 
“Sure it is,” I said, eyeing the onion peel in the trash. 
 
“I guess it is worth it to do a garden, then,” he decided, like he’d done any of the planting, weeding, pruning, dusting with Sevin, flicking off of Japanese beetles, picking, washing, chopping, and freezing. 
 
“Sure it is,” I said. Next year, I’m planting canned vegetables. I doubt he’ll even notice.

Picture
Our Garden, 2019

True Crime: Social Lubricant

1/11/2019

 
I get teased sometimes (and avoided other times) because of my interest in true crime. I devour the stuff, consuming it in the form of books, television, documentaries, and podcasts. I’m not alone: there are millions of us out there. And yes, most of us are women. I guess men prefer to talk about more, er, manly things, like sports and cars and guns and stuff.
 
Except thanks to true crime, I can talk about stuff like that too. Guns are a no-brainer: whether you want to wax poetic on classic firearms like, say, the 1851 Colt Navy revolver, or discuss the kickback of more modern weapons like the .44 caliber Charter Arms Bulldog, I’m happy to contribute that the former was the weapon of choice of one John Henry “Doc” Holliday, the latter of David “Son of Sam” Berkowitz. See? We can have a perfectly normal conversation if that’s your topic of choice.
 
Ah, but maybe you’re a sports fan. What’s your passion? Football? I just listened to a fantastic podcast called Gladiator, all about Aaron Hernandez, so yeah, we can talk football. What’s that? You’re more of a boxing fan? It’s crazy how they never found out who shot Hector Camacho, isn’t it? Speaking of crazy, did you hear about that boxer down in Texas who just confessed to killing, like, a hundred people? Or maybe you prefer the relative tranquility of baseball. Are you kidding me right now? I’ve read, like, everybook out there on the 1919 Chicago White Sox. (Not all true crime is murder, folks. Some of it is about the disgrace and downfall of some of the world’s greatest athletes.) On this we probably agree: Shoeless Joe Jackson was framed.
 
You seem uncomfortable. We can talk about something else; that’s perfectly fine. You like cars? We can discuss cars. What do you drive? A Corolla? That’s nice. You know what’s a terrible car? The white van. You know, because serial killers love ’em. Ted Bundy, Paul Bernardo and Karla Holmolka . . . say, where are you going?

Picture

So This Is 2019

1/4/2019

 
So far in 2019, I've received a story rejection, gained ten pounds since Christmas, and discovered that sometime during the night last evening, Pugsley pooped in a very inappropriate place. I need a haircut, my roots are showing, and I did not wake up a lottery winner.

​2019: So far, I give it a D.

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