Whenever somebody asks me when Jason and I are going to have children, I like to ask them about their anal warts. Because really, neither topic is appropriate. However, what I do wish people would ask me is how I come up with such fabulous dinners for two on a limited budget, considering that the supermarket is filled with anti-two person household portions. You know, "family size."

It takes some creativity to come up with tasty dinners in healthy portions for two. I'm pretty proud of some of the meals that I've come up with, and I'd like to share:

1.  Ben & Jerry's Bonanza: Take two spoons and one pint of Cherry Garcia's. (Any flavor may be substituted.) Voila! A healthy meal with all the food groups: dairy, fruit, and chocolate!

2.  Spaghetti Surprise: Cook one box of spaghetti and one jar of Paul Newman's Sockarooni spaghetti sauce. I know the portions turn out to be huge, but I sure do like my pasta. Surprise! You've gained five pounds in one sitting!

3. Eggs a la Betty C: Start with two eggs. Add flour, butter, unsweetened cocoa powder, sugar, baking soda, vanilla extract, and bake at 350 for 50 minutes. You now have a fine chocolate cake—oops! quiche—that you and your dining partner can enjoy.

4. Taco Bell: It's just cheaper and easier to swing by Taco Bell on 89 cent taco night than to whip these up yourself, especially if it's just you, your hubby, and two sour-cream-stealing cats.

There you have it. It's not easy feeding a family of two adults, one Wednesday, and one Pugsley, but we manage. I only hope that some of my childless friends out there will find inspiration in these treasured recipes. Also, I wouldn't recommend any of these before a Weight Watchers meeting. On those nights, we eat rice cakes for supper.

I'll be at the Foxboro Craft Fair this weekend, which is on the Common in Foxboro, MA. Here's the Web  site if you want to check it out. People often ask me what these types of events are like. Let me give you a sampling of our agenda for the day.

9:00 AM: Arrive in the limo the organizers sent to my house to pick me up. On the ride up, in-limo chef Paula Deen prepares chocolate mousse muffins and mocha lattes for me to enjoy. Fellow authors Tracy Carbone, Scott Goudsward, Morven Westfield, K. Allen Wood, David Price, and Rob Watts's limos arrive at about the same time.

9:30 AM: Express my disgust to the event organizer because Paula Deen refuses to carry my on her back to our authors' tent.

9:31 AM: The event organizer gives me a piggyback ride. Whee!

9:45 AM: The crowds are starting to line up, waiting eagerly to buy our books and get us to sign them. I loudly complain to K. Allen Wood that the eager fans are standing too close, making my hair frizz. K. Allen rolls his eyes, because he is bald and therefore jealous of my golden locks.

10:00 AM: The gates open. I feel bad for the other vendors at the fair because our tent is getting a huge rush. I spot at least four people before the cheers of the crowd make me lose count.

10:30 AM: I'm hungry. I pout until Rob Watts calls me a mulligan. I'm not sure what it means, but it sounds rude. And now I'm hungry for stew.

11:15 AM: I have one groupie, Artie, who offers to drive in to the city to get me stew and freshly baked croissants. I bat my eyes at him seductively and he grins foolishly. I know I shouldn't use my celebrity to manipulate people, but it's so hard not to!

12:30 PM: Our fans must all be at lunch, because we've had a lull for about an hour now at the tent. Plus, one of us has gas. I'm glad it's an outdoor event.

1:10 PM: Where the hell is Artie with my croissants? I settle for fried dough and make a note to demote him as president of my fan club. I hadn't even told him he was president of my fan club yet. That should make him feel bad.

1:27 PM: Wait! That woman in the purple pants with the dark brown hair and glasses that looks just like my mom is looking at one of my books!  Please, please, pleeeeeeaaseeee buy it! Is she--she is! She's buying it!  Hooray! My first sale of the day!

1:28 PM: I break a nail signing my autograph. I can't work under these conditions. Time to go home!

4:20 PM: Artie calls from the now-vacant Foxboro Green, wondering where I am. He was late getting back because he stopped to go clamming in order to have Paula Deen prepare me a fresh bowl of real New England clam chowder. Jeez, what a mulligan! I'm sure I asked for stew, not chowder.  I must lay down and de-stress from this hectic day.

So there you have it. If you've ever wondered if the life of a writer is as glamorous as you've imagined it to be, the answer is yes, it sure is! Though ... I am a creative writer.

This Mother’s Day, I’d like to reflect on some of the valuable lessons my mother taught me. For instance, just the other day, I was stopped for speeding. Mind you, I generally drive about 5 miles below the speed limit, and I brake for dead squirrels (as my mother taught me to do). However, I was polite enough not to argue with the officer of the law about how he was too stupid to operate a radar gun properly and clearly wouldn’t know a reckless driver if one drove up to him and bit him on the nose. See, my mother instilled that aversion to rudeness in me. I took my ticket, sweetly told the officer that we would meet again, in court, and went on my merry way.

That same day, I finally made it in to work and poured myself a cup of coffee to calm my nerves. Within two minutes, while reaching for a post-it note, I managed to dump said coffee all over my sweater and pants. However, it was Mom who first told me what a flattering (and sensible) color mocha is on me, and lo and behold, the coffee blended right in. Although my bra was damp and uncomfortable for the rest of the day, nobody could even see the giant stain down the front of my shirt. A couple of people asked me what perfume I was wearing, but I just told them “Nantucket Blend” with a sly wink, like it was some fancy aroma that only Nantucketers and klutzes are allowed to wear.

By 10 AM, there was a yellow jacket in our office, so I left work for the day, insisting that I was allergic to bee stings and that yellow jackets buzzing around the ceiling lights constituted a hostile work environment. Something else I learned from Mom—if you don’t like something, stop doing it. And I don’t like sharing my office space with stinging insects, which is what my argument will be when I get written up for abandoning my job.

 I drove over to the mall now that I had the day off, and found that Sears had wine glass sets in their clearance bin for only $1.50 a set. That came out to less than 38 cents a glass, so I bought them. Sure, much like Mom, I don’t ever drink wine, and I’m pretty sure they’re not crystal, but let me repeat: 38 cents a glass. If there is one thing my mother has taught me, it’s to never pass up a great bargain.

So today, I would like to say Thank You, Mom. Your life lessons helped me turn what was essentially a rotten day into a fabulous one. I made a new friend that I get to see again when I’m fighting my ticket in court; I now own a custom-stained coffee-colored  bra; and best of all, my Mother’s Day shopping is done. Hope you like your new wine glasses!