Glorified Date Rape: A Holiday Classic

Pig.

This time of year, "Baby It's Cold Outside" gets a lot of air time on the radio, which is dumb since it's not even a holiday song. I'm sure the deejays think it's appropriate, since who doesn't like Bing Crosby (besides his son, the actors he beat out to win Best Actor in 1944, Democrats, Grace Kelly, and rabid anti-golf people, I mean?) However, this is not a family friendly song, and should be pulled off the air immediately. Let's take a look:

Baby It's Cold Outside

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
1.  I'm sure she's aware it's chilly out, Bing. If the woman wants to leave, let her leave.

I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
2. No means NO, Bing.

This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
3. That's a little forward, Bing. Back off with the hand-holding!

My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
4. My father would be doing a little more than pacing. He'd be oiling his shotgun while looking up your address on Google Maps.

So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
5. Better let her out before Dad shows up, Bing!

Well Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour
6. Sure, liquor her up, you pig.

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
7. Yes, what is that odd flavor I taste? Roofie?

I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
8. Going to the hospital to have that roofie pumped out of your stomach might break the spell, if Bing would just let you leave already!

I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
9. NO means NO, Bing!

At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
10. I'm hoping she hurts something else of yours in a minute, Bing. One swift kick should do it.

I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
11. @!$$!!* BING! SHE SAID NO!!!


Ahh, but it's cold outside
C'mon baby

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
12. I'm calling the cops.

This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm - Look out the window at that storm
13. That warm feeling is a side effect of the liquor and drugs he slipped you. Don't be fooled!

My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
14. ...aaand he's a cannibal.

My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
15. Huh?

My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before
16. Sounds like he thinks your lips would be perfect with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
17. Never mind your hair. Just get out of there. Fast!

You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
18. Oops! Didn't get out fast enough!

There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
19. She should be so lucky to die of pneumonia instead of being raped, murdered and cooked in a stew.

I really can't stay - Get over that old out
20. Pig.

Ahh, but it's cold outside
Baby it's cold outside
21. What's a little frostbite if your life depends on it?

Jason gets mad at me when I heckle the radio. At least I'm smart enough to get the heck out when there's a cannibalistic rapist in the room, whatever the weather!

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