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Surviving Christmas

11/30/2017

 
We’re entering my least favorite time of year. I don’t know exactly why I dislike the yuletide season so much, but here are my best guesses: the financial pressure, terrible holiday specials, and Bing Crosby. (I’ve found lately, though, that Bing irritates me less than Mariah Carey, whose voice makes my eardrums bleed.) If you add in the fact that this year, I can no longer eat 99% of the holiday food—specifically, cookies—you may start to see why I really, really hate the holidays.

Because I’m a Christmas Grinch, I’ve had to develop coping mechanisms to get through this time of year. If you, too, hate the holidays, here’s a handy guide to get through it:

Invest in an MP3 player and earphones.  Toys "R" Us was playing Christmas music on November 1, y’all. The closer we get to Dec. 25, the more likely you are to be assaulted by insipid holiday tunes. Right around now, my iPhone becomes my best friend. I listen to true crime and Survivor podcasts on my drive into work, eighties pop music at my desk (I know, you’d think since I’m a fan of the genre, I’d like Mariah, but seriously, I cannot stand the sound of her voice), and put on a nice audiobook (I’m listening to Clive Barker’s Books of Blood right now) when I’m forced to leave the house on the weekends. I’ve found it’s much easier to smile at the kiddies if I’ve got Barker’s beautiful descriptions of tree branches draped with human innards whispering in my ear.

And speaking of leaving the house . . .

Don’t leave the house. Sometimes, you have to take the earphones off, like to listen for traffic or to talk to the pharmacist when picking up your antianxiety medication. And when you do, you will immediately be assaulted by Christmas music, electronic Santas barking ho-ho-ho, and people asking for donations.

So many people asking for donations.

Stay off social media. Besides the holiday memes, YouTube “this is my favorite scene from Jingle All the Way” videos, and non-stop “Buy what I’m selling!” pleas—by the way, have I mentioned My Mom, MS, and a Sixth-Grade Mess makes a great holiday gift?—you will get a lot of requests for donations. You see, it’s now easier than ever to set up a fundraiser on Facebook, Twitter, and the like. And you will be assaulted daily with requests for money.

Without a doubt, the main stressor for me during the holiday season is money. Between buying gifts, wrapping paper, bows, cards, food to prepare for gatherings, and the like, plus my husband likes to say things like, “Surprise! MacBooks were on sale! Only cost one mortgage payment!”, I do not have extra cash this time of year. If you want to hit me up, do it in June, when I’ve just finished paying off the holiday bills, and the heating bill has finally gone down.

Don’t watch television. Unless you like knowing if you don’t buy your kid the latest Gizbot Hoodookidoo, you will go down in the annals of child-rearing history as the worst parent ever. Commercials this time of year have one purpose in mind: to use guilt as maliciously as possible to part you from your money. Who needs that?And the jingles. The incessant, stupid jingles. I hate you, television.

I do, however, love Netflix. If you’re going to have television, now is the time of year to binge-watch some fine Netflix series. Stranger Things has a new season out. If you’re feeling particularly angry about the holidays this year, The Punisher might be a good choice. Best of all, Netflix is commercial free.

Don’t put up decorations. I learned my lesson on this one last Halloween. It turns out in most homes, he or she who puts up the decorations is in charge of taking them down. This is why one plastic severed hand has served as a centerpiece on my kitchen table since October 2016. It’s the one decoration I missed when packing up the spiders, ghouls, and guillotines last year, and I just haven’t had the energy to pick it up, walk down to the basement, and dig out the Halloween decorations boxes to put it away. Neither has Jason, which is why I win. He’s the one who likes Christmas, so if he wants to get out the tinsel and tree, he can have at it. But when it comes time to take that crap down, I’m going to point to that severed hand and tell him exactly what he’s told me for fourteen months: “You’re the one who put it out to begin with.”
 
There are a million other tricks to try in order to get through this saccharine season, but these tips should give you a good start. When in doubt, try to meditate on those wise words penned so long ago that truly explain what the season is all about:

Bah, humbug.
Picture
Incidentally, my favorite portrayal of Ebenezer Scrooge.

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