Vacation Etiquette

Going away for Memorial Day? Worried at all about being the kind of tourist the locals refer to as tour-ons? (When it rhymes with moron, it’s not a term of endearment, folks.) I used to live on a vacation resort island. Back in 2003, I wrote a column on proper vacation etiquette. I think it bears repeating now.
 
(The below first appeared in the Block Island Times in August 2003. It has been edited for contemporary-ness.)
 
Memorial Day is fast approaching, and the thoughts of locals turn to planning their own vacations. Jason and I think maybe we’ll visit Disney World this year. Though we haven't even bought the tickets yet, I've already made a list of things we won't do on vacation:
 

• We will not walk in the middle of the road, then turn and flip off the driver behind us who has to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting us.
• Heck, we won't even walk in the middle of the road. We don't do that at home, why do it on vacation?
• We will not ask Mickey Mouse, "What do you do all winter when we’re not here?", implying that his life must be unfulfilling when the tourists are not there taking selfies with him.
• We will not blame the prices at the souvenir shop on the part-time cashier.
• We will not get liquored up and bang on the door of Michael Eisner's vacation home at 1 a.m., insisting he should meet us because we're his biggest fans.
• We will not remark on the beauty of the area as we throw our empty beer bottles in the parking lot of the local grocery store, nor will we bury soiled diapers under a rock near the Haunted Mansion because "they're just too heavy to carry all the way back to the Hall of Presidents."
• We will not panic and threaten the life of the busy Starbucks owner when they don't know we prefer fat-free vanilla-bean-flavored almond milk creamer with added B12 in our coffee after having waited on us exactly one time prior.
• We will respect the fact that we are just visiting; the Pirates of the Caribbean live in Disney World year-round, and have to clean up after us.

Also, we will not spread rumors based on the fact that I just mentioned dirty diapers. I was making a point about the disgusting slob who wrote to the Times last year about burying diapers on the beach because she apparently had never calculated for the fact that a diaper bag might be necessary, spending the day with an infant and all.  

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​Listen, I’m not trying to criticize anyone for wanting to escape for a few days. All I ask is that you have as much respect for the place you’re visiting as you would want others to have for your home. This is just as relevant today as it was fifteen years ago.
 
As for me, I’ll be spending my long weekend pretending I’m out on Block Island where I don’t have any cell phone service if anyone tries to call. Happy Memorial Day!

Cinderella, after posing with 400,000 different tourists in one day.