The Curse of Outgoing Introvertism

I’m feeling a little worn out this week. No, not from exercising (to which I’m allergic) or chasing baby snapping turtles. Mostly I’m run down from spending two days greeting people, making new friends, hanging out with friends I already had, and generally spending my entire reserve tank of social energy at Granite State ComicCon last weekend. You see, any social situation is guaranteed to wipe me out for at least a week.

You extroverts have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But, believe it or not, I am an introvert. There’s now a new label for what I am: “Introvert With an Outgoing Personality.” This basically means I’m great in social situations, but then I need LOTS of alone time to recover.

You, too, might be an Introvert With an Outgoing Personality. Do these character traits sound like you?

• Do you dread social situations, but find yourself leaving every party you attend with seven new phone numbers and three new BFFs?
• Do you despise talking on the phone?
• Do you prefer to have all of your social interactions to occur via e-mail, yet get anxious about having to actually respond to an e-mail?
• When you do reply to an email, is it with a witty and insightful response, even though you’ve just ground your teeth into powder worrying about what you were going to write back?
• Seriously, do you often find yourself cursing the day that Alexander Graham Bell was ever issued a patent for his stupid acoustic telegraph?
• Does the idea of being a Walmart greeter make you cringe and die a little inside knowing you’d actually have to talk to people, but deep down you know you’d be awesome at it?
• Have you been known to drop your phone in a sink/toilet/random mud puddle just to avoid having to answer it?
• Is your inner mantra at a coffee shop or grocery store don’t talk to me, don’t talk to me, no eye contact, don’t talk to me . . . but then when the bag boy does talk to you, you flash him your widest smile, ask him all about his mother and his two Pomeranians, and actually listen to the answer?
• When you are forced to answer a phone call, do you then speak charmingly and astutely, resulting in a perfectly lovely phone conversation that you’ll appreciate for about five minutes before starting to dread the next inevitable phone call?

If you responded “Yup, that’s me” to two or more of these, you too might be an Introvert With an Outgoing Personality.

I’m pretty sure this is an inherited condition. Let’s take a look at my immediate family tree as scientific proof:

See? The proof is in the pudding (mmm . . . pudding). This is also further evidence as to why we should blame our parents for all of our problems. 

It’s also my very lengthy excuse for why I haven’t returned anyone's phone calls in, oh, say, a year. Sorry about that. It's clearly a medical condition.