I am not a parent. Why? The reason for this is not really any of your business. However, being childless, I do feel that I am an expert on parenting. Why? Because that's how obnoxiously delusional I really am.
I've discovered some alarming things about being a parent that are enough to make me never want to be one. Becoming a parent makes you completely lose your mind. Here, let me share:
1. As a parent, you lose focus on what's really important. My sister, for instance, was furious with me when I taught her then-five-year-old son the words to the South Park theme song. Did she care that her young son had mastered complex words like "temptation" and "vagina," clearly indicating that he was a genius? Heck, no. She complained about "inappropriateness," "he's too young to know what the 'p' word and the 'v' word are," and some other nonsense. Her son was practically a virtuoso, and she didn't care. Also, I wasn't allowed to babysit any more.
2. Becoming a parent makes you lose your sense of humor. My sister-in-law did not find it one bit amusing when I hand-crafted pillows shaped like bloodstains for her young son and daughter. These delightful keepsakes make it look like you're bleeding from a gaping head wound when you lie on them, and my niece especially liked the velvety red fabric I'd used to create these wonders. Funny, right? My sister-in-law didn't think so. Also, I'm not allowed to babysit anymore.
3. Being a parent makes you resentful. I can't tell you how many times my sister has shot me a look of pure death when I come over, be my usual 'cool aunt' self, encourage my older nephew to guzzle two cans of Arizona Iced Tea and give the Stone Cold Steve Austin double-finger salute, applaud my younger nephew when he's able to attach glow-in-the-dark dog poo to his forehead and keep it there for a full four minutes, and then leave. It's like she's jealous of my coolness or something. Also, I'm not allowed to watch wrestling with them or shop at Spencer's Gifts for them any more.
4. Being a parent makes you mean. My sister-in-law did not appreciate it at all the time I described to her then-six-year-old-son the exact ingredients of the sausage he was eating. I thought it was educational. She felt it was disgusting, and made me apologize to my nephew when he started crying and questioning exactly what had happened to Wilbur at the end of Charlotte's Web. Why she's coddling those children is beyond me. Also, I'm not allowed to share meals with them any more.
5. Becoming a parent makes you change your priorities. Not in a good way, either. One time I called my sister to see if she wanted to cruise the bars with me to pick up strange men (I was single then) and she not only implied that I was out of my mind, but also made me apologize to both her husband and her infant son for even asking her such a thing. Also, I'm not allowed to call her after 10 p.m. any more.
So there you have it. Clearly, being a parent makes you crazy. This is why I want no part of it. And think about it: do you really want someone like me procreating? Because rest assured, nobody in my family is particularly upset that I haven't.
I've discovered some alarming things about being a parent that are enough to make me never want to be one. Becoming a parent makes you completely lose your mind. Here, let me share:
1. As a parent, you lose focus on what's really important. My sister, for instance, was furious with me when I taught her then-five-year-old son the words to the South Park theme song. Did she care that her young son had mastered complex words like "temptation" and "vagina," clearly indicating that he was a genius? Heck, no. She complained about "inappropriateness," "he's too young to know what the 'p' word and the 'v' word are," and some other nonsense. Her son was practically a virtuoso, and she didn't care. Also, I wasn't allowed to babysit any more.
2. Becoming a parent makes you lose your sense of humor. My sister-in-law did not find it one bit amusing when I hand-crafted pillows shaped like bloodstains for her young son and daughter. These delightful keepsakes make it look like you're bleeding from a gaping head wound when you lie on them, and my niece especially liked the velvety red fabric I'd used to create these wonders. Funny, right? My sister-in-law didn't think so. Also, I'm not allowed to babysit anymore.
3. Being a parent makes you resentful. I can't tell you how many times my sister has shot me a look of pure death when I come over, be my usual 'cool aunt' self, encourage my older nephew to guzzle two cans of Arizona Iced Tea and give the Stone Cold Steve Austin double-finger salute, applaud my younger nephew when he's able to attach glow-in-the-dark dog poo to his forehead and keep it there for a full four minutes, and then leave. It's like she's jealous of my coolness or something. Also, I'm not allowed to watch wrestling with them or shop at Spencer's Gifts for them any more.
4. Being a parent makes you mean. My sister-in-law did not appreciate it at all the time I described to her then-six-year-old-son the exact ingredients of the sausage he was eating. I thought it was educational. She felt it was disgusting, and made me apologize to my nephew when he started crying and questioning exactly what had happened to Wilbur at the end of Charlotte's Web. Why she's coddling those children is beyond me. Also, I'm not allowed to share meals with them any more.
5. Becoming a parent makes you change your priorities. Not in a good way, either. One time I called my sister to see if she wanted to cruise the bars with me to pick up strange men (I was single then) and she not only implied that I was out of my mind, but also made me apologize to both her husband and her infant son for even asking her such a thing. Also, I'm not allowed to call her after 10 p.m. any more.
So there you have it. Clearly, being a parent makes you crazy. This is why I want no part of it. And think about it: do you really want someone like me procreating? Because rest assured, nobody in my family is particularly upset that I haven't.
Also, I'm not allowed to play with their stuffed animals any more.
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