In the history of workplaces, I have found nothing more counterproductive to actually getting work done than the “open” office space layout.
Perhaps you’ve seen this. It’s where all the desks are in one big room, with either very low or no cubicle walls. This design is used to “encourage staff to visit their coworkers, collaborate, and share ideas.” This is a load of crap. What it really promotes is anger, noise, and distraction.
Nothing is private in the open office environment. You might hope the person sitting across from you will spark your creative mind and offer great suggestions on a project you’re working on. This will not happen. You will instead hear every phone conversation he has, from the Italian sub, no cheese, no mayo, that he orders every day at 11:52 AM, to the bunion surgery he has to schedule right before the holidays. You will hate him.
No worries: he’ll hate you, too. Nothing is more effective for making enemies in the workplace than the open office environment. Did you know you hit the keyboard too loudly when you type? Don’t worry; Italian-sub-no-cheese-no-mayo will tell you. He’ll also point out that you blow your nose too much, get up from your seat too often, and while he’s at it, he’s tired of you using up all the Splenda next to the coffee pot. You will find yourself putting three Splendas in your coffee the next morning just to spite him.
It’s not just Italian-sub-no-cheese-no-mayo who will drive you nuts. You can hear everyone’s conversations, and sometimes, they’ll stop right behind your seat to have lengthy discussions about things that have nothing to do with you, nor with the job or the company in general. While they’re there, they’ll look over at your computer screen—because everyone can see everyone else’s monitors in the open office environment, there is no privacy to be had here—and ask what you’re working on, right at the moment when you’re taking five minutes to order your mother’s Christmas gift on Amazon because you couldn’t find it anywhere when you went shopping on Black Friday (hypothetically speaking).
What you will not do is get any work done unless you have sound-cancelling earphones, because the noise. Never. Stops. Need to concentrate? Your best bet is to take your laptop out to your car and work from there, but as it turns out, a lot of companies don’t allow this. It is a nice place to hide on your lunch break, though.
Because of the constant noise and people randomly stopping right behind your work area, you will quickly develop anxiety. Seriously, you cannot work for eight to ten hours a day without even a few precious seconds of silence and alone time. You will start grinding your teeth at night. You’ll burst into tears when you realize there’s no Splenda at the coffee pot one morning. Italian-sub-no-cheese-no-mayo will point and laugh at you. Your hair will start falling out from stress (hypothetically speaking). Someone in manufacturing will complain that the balding girl keeps leaving her hair everywhere.
You know what the simple solution is? Walls. Tall, sound-muffling, lovely, inanimate cubicle walls. Walls that promote isolation and privacy and discourage conversation. Walls that will let you work in a happy box where thoughts about how anyone can even stand eating a sandwich without condiments never enter your head.
I don’t know who invented the open office layout, but whoever they are, I can promise you this: they never actually worked in an office. And if I ever find out who this mastermind architect of office space was, I’m going to his house and stealing all his Splenda.
Italian-sub-no-cheese-no-mayo says if I can find the culprit before his bunion surgery, he’s in, too.
Perhaps you’ve seen this. It’s where all the desks are in one big room, with either very low or no cubicle walls. This design is used to “encourage staff to visit their coworkers, collaborate, and share ideas.” This is a load of crap. What it really promotes is anger, noise, and distraction.
Nothing is private in the open office environment. You might hope the person sitting across from you will spark your creative mind and offer great suggestions on a project you’re working on. This will not happen. You will instead hear every phone conversation he has, from the Italian sub, no cheese, no mayo, that he orders every day at 11:52 AM, to the bunion surgery he has to schedule right before the holidays. You will hate him.
No worries: he’ll hate you, too. Nothing is more effective for making enemies in the workplace than the open office environment. Did you know you hit the keyboard too loudly when you type? Don’t worry; Italian-sub-no-cheese-no-mayo will tell you. He’ll also point out that you blow your nose too much, get up from your seat too often, and while he’s at it, he’s tired of you using up all the Splenda next to the coffee pot. You will find yourself putting three Splendas in your coffee the next morning just to spite him.
It’s not just Italian-sub-no-cheese-no-mayo who will drive you nuts. You can hear everyone’s conversations, and sometimes, they’ll stop right behind your seat to have lengthy discussions about things that have nothing to do with you, nor with the job or the company in general. While they’re there, they’ll look over at your computer screen—because everyone can see everyone else’s monitors in the open office environment, there is no privacy to be had here—and ask what you’re working on, right at the moment when you’re taking five minutes to order your mother’s Christmas gift on Amazon because you couldn’t find it anywhere when you went shopping on Black Friday (hypothetically speaking).
What you will not do is get any work done unless you have sound-cancelling earphones, because the noise. Never. Stops. Need to concentrate? Your best bet is to take your laptop out to your car and work from there, but as it turns out, a lot of companies don’t allow this. It is a nice place to hide on your lunch break, though.
Because of the constant noise and people randomly stopping right behind your work area, you will quickly develop anxiety. Seriously, you cannot work for eight to ten hours a day without even a few precious seconds of silence and alone time. You will start grinding your teeth at night. You’ll burst into tears when you realize there’s no Splenda at the coffee pot one morning. Italian-sub-no-cheese-no-mayo will point and laugh at you. Your hair will start falling out from stress (hypothetically speaking). Someone in manufacturing will complain that the balding girl keeps leaving her hair everywhere.
You know what the simple solution is? Walls. Tall, sound-muffling, lovely, inanimate cubicle walls. Walls that promote isolation and privacy and discourage conversation. Walls that will let you work in a happy box where thoughts about how anyone can even stand eating a sandwich without condiments never enter your head.
I don’t know who invented the open office layout, but whoever they are, I can promise you this: they never actually worked in an office. And if I ever find out who this mastermind architect of office space was, I’m going to his house and stealing all his Splenda.
Italian-sub-no-cheese-no-mayo says if I can find the culprit before his bunion surgery, he’s in, too.
Here I am at my "open" office. See? Cueball.
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