This week, I have a new role: nurse.
A close friend of mine (let's call her "Kathy") had major surgery. She lives alone and has no family in the area, so I volunteered to help her out. My family found this absolutely unbelievable, because when it comes to illness (other people's, that is) I'm about as sympathetic as a rabid weasel. One of my proudest moments was telling Jason to "suck it up and go to work" when he had a blinding migraine. (He subsequently spent the afternoon vomiting. What a baby.) However, Kathy needed me, so there I was.
The day of her surgery, I spent the morning in the waiting room downloading porn on the hospital's free wi-fi. Chocolate mousse cakes, coconut cream pie . . . some pretty risqué dessert images, I'll admit. The only reason I did this is because the pineapple upside-down cake in the hospital cafeteria tasted like a sponge with paste on it, and I had to remind myself how positively naughty and chocolaty desserts are supposed to look.
When Kathy made it out of surgery and into her hospital room, my motherly instincts kicked in. My mother, for instance, is always looking for a bargain, so I started going through the drawers and cabinets in Kathy's room to see if there was anything that I wanted to steal. Alas, I don't think I was the first person to think of this, as there wasn't really anything good that wasn't nailed down, except for a pair of hospital underwear made out of gauze. Figuring I should share the wealth, I promptly put the gauze panties on my head to cheer Kathy up. Which was kind of stupid, because she laughed so hard she popped her stitches, so it was back to surgery for her!
Eventually, Kathy was released, though her doctor was none too thrilled to release her into my care. But since all of the cab companies he called were busy, he didn't have a choice. I wheeled Kathy to the car, shoved her in, and drove her home.
I'm staying with Kathy for a couple of days to make sure she doesn't overdo it, and so far, so good. I had her make us soup for dinner last night, and this morning, I ordered two fried eggs and a side of sausage, because I figured preparing me an omelet would've been too taxing for her. I also ran out to the store to get vegetable oil for her so she could bake me brownies. And I didn't even make her separate my whites from my darks when I had her do my laundry. Truly, I was cut out for this nursing thing.
The doctor prescribed her some great pain pills, too. I've taken four already, and this is some good stuff. Kathy was in a lot of pain last night so I brought her some Motrin. I figured I should save the Percocet for myself, because Kathy has a dog and I'm a cat person, so the drugs help me get along with the puppy better. Plus, the dog kept barking at me, so I gave her a half a Percocet, and she's never behaved better. She does keep pooping in inappropriate places, but I made Kathy clean it up, so it hasn't bothered me.
I'm happy to report that my nursing abilities have really done the trick. Kathy insisted this afternoon that she's doing fine and doesn't need any more help from me. I'm a little disappointed, I'll admit, because I'd requested that she make me homemade macaroni and cheese for dinner, but when I reminded her of this, she pushed me out the door and locked it behind me. She probably doesn't want to share. Which is a fine how-do-you-do, since I've been taking care of her so well the last three days. Nursing: a selfless task. I don't recommend it.
I find nothing cheers a patient up like a nice balloon and wearing hospital underwear on your head.
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