Morning Commute

Let me just say for the record that I love my current job, and just as importantly, my current commute. The job is fun, my coworkers are nice, and the commute is half as long as my last one. I still have about 40 minutes each way to think about deep, important things. Am I polishing up my latest novel in my head, or solving world problems as I drive? You be the judge. Here's what went through my head today as I drove:

• It's rain, people, not snow. Learn how to drive!
• The guy in front of me has a bumper sticker that looks like a hot air balloon and says "FAT" on it. What does that mean? Seems vaguely insulting. Maybe I'll honk at him.
• Ugh. If you're going to hit a squirrel, make sure you kill it. That's all I'm saying.
• My bad knee hurts this morning. Is this due to the rain, or due to the three pounds I've put on this week thanks to the arrival of Hostess Halloween Glo Balls™ in stores now? Am I fat? Really, if nobody gets your stupid fat hot air balloon bumper sticker, why have it on your car at all?
• Are there still people in the world who think OJ didn't do it? How does Marcia Clark deal with that?
• Wow, the lead singer Jimi Jamison of Survivor just died, and he was fairly young. Only 63 . . . You know who I love? Survivor winner Richard Hatch.
• Catchy tune. "I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass, no treble." Why did I give up playing the cello?
• The guy in the car next to me can't be more than 30. That's a shame, because he's got a terrible comb-over going on, which, trust me, is the least attractive hairstyle in the world. I'm tempted to roll down my window and scream "Shave it all OFF, man!" Could I get arrested for that?
• You know who hated being arrested? Richard Hatch.
• There's something unpleasant I must acknowledge about getting older. I hate to do it, but it has to be said. While it's true that Nick Rhodes has always been my favorite member of Duran Duran, out of all of them, John Taylor is really aging the best. My sister was right: he's still hot. And, let's face it, Roger Taylor looks darn good these days. Who would've predicted that?
• Oh, Dylan McDermott has a new show out this fall according to the radio? He was in Steel Magnolias, a movie I could quote endlessly. Like Young Frankenstein. I quote that movie all the time. "Werewolf?" "There wolf! There castle!" Ha ha! Seriously, people, it's RAIN, not sleet!
• Did I comb my hair this morning?
• I'm sure there's a story I can write about the snapping turtle hatchery we've got going on right now. Hmmm . . . using turtles as a murder weapon . . . an unhapp—oh, look! I didn't know there was a Whole Foods there!
• They're repaving this part of the highway. Jeez, that tar stinks . . . I wish chunky black boots would come back in style. I mean, I still wear them, but it would be nice if they were actually in style.
• What, are we not in Connecticut? Yellow means floor it, people!

As you can clearly see, I've been quite busy philosophizing and solving the issues of the world during my morning commute. Clearly, there's Aristotle, Nietzsche, and me. My planned musings for the drive home this afternoon: More squirrels, whether or not rain has been proven to lower driving IQs, Pepperidge Farms snickerdoodles, and a little debate in my mind about whether or not Richard Hatch was truly the best Survivor player ever. (Answer: yes.)


Available now! Insanity Tales, a collaboration with my writers' group, featuring me, David Daniel, Dale T. Phillips, Vlad V., and Ursula Wong! Order ten copies today!

Nick (old), Simon (looks good here, but old), Roger (better than in the 80s), and John (still yummy).