Recently, a friend of mine pointed out that often, the contributions I make to a conversation may not be what a ‘normal’ person might chime in with. (Her exact words were “Jeez, you really have no filter, do you?”) I like to blame this little personality quirk on my father, who has been known, over dinner, to discuss weird udder fungi, how to properly butcher a pig, the process for artificially inseminating a cow, and the specific acidity levels found in various types of animal feces. Sometimes all in one night. I grew up in a household in which I honestly believed my insights on serial killers and interesting cemeteries were a welcome relief to cow-bag fungus.
I asked my friend to help me lay out how a ‘normal’ person would react to the following topics, and added my own reactions.
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The topic: A woman is reminiscing about snorkeling as a child in the pond near her home, recalling how much fun it was to observe turtles and frogs in their natural environment.
Normal Person: What a lovely childhood memory!
Me: You do know that a snapping turtle can take off a finger or toe in one snap, right?
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The topic: A new mall opens in town.
Normal Person: Hooray! We finally have a Christmas Tree Shop nearby!
Me: This will be the perfect place to hole up when the zombie apocalypse happens!
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The topic: A friend is dating a new guy. She says he has a good job, is handsome, has a great sense of humor, and is really close to his parents and siblings.
Normal Person: How nice that family is so important to him!
Me: You know who else really valued his family? Charles Manson.
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The topic: Jason mentions that at work, people sometimes don’t have their driver’s license on them when he cards them for cigarettes.
Normal Person: Maybe they left it at home or in their glove compartment.
Me: Who leaves their house without their driver’s license? I even bring mine when I’m out back weeding the garden. That way, if a bear attacks me, the police can easily identify my body.
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The topic: The ALS Ice Bucket challenge has recently made a blip on the radar of pop culture. This involves filming oneself while a bucket of icy water is dumped over one’s head, and then donating money.
Normal Person: Sounds like fun! Sign me up!
Me: Are there eels in the bucket?
Normal Person: No.
Me: Jellyfish?
Normal Person: No. Just ice water.
Me: Is the water really sulfuric acid?
Normal Person: No!
Me: Sounds lame. Count me out.
---
Maybe my mind doesn’t work like the average conversationalist’s. But, as you might imagine, there’s nothing quite as memorable as a dinner party with me and my dad.
I asked my friend to help me lay out how a ‘normal’ person would react to the following topics, and added my own reactions.
---
The topic: A woman is reminiscing about snorkeling as a child in the pond near her home, recalling how much fun it was to observe turtles and frogs in their natural environment.
Normal Person: What a lovely childhood memory!
Me: You do know that a snapping turtle can take off a finger or toe in one snap, right?
---
The topic: A new mall opens in town.
Normal Person: Hooray! We finally have a Christmas Tree Shop nearby!
Me: This will be the perfect place to hole up when the zombie apocalypse happens!
---
The topic: A friend is dating a new guy. She says he has a good job, is handsome, has a great sense of humor, and is really close to his parents and siblings.
Normal Person: How nice that family is so important to him!
Me: You know who else really valued his family? Charles Manson.
---
The topic: Jason mentions that at work, people sometimes don’t have their driver’s license on them when he cards them for cigarettes.
Normal Person: Maybe they left it at home or in their glove compartment.
Me: Who leaves their house without their driver’s license? I even bring mine when I’m out back weeding the garden. That way, if a bear attacks me, the police can easily identify my body.
---
The topic: The ALS Ice Bucket challenge has recently made a blip on the radar of pop culture. This involves filming oneself while a bucket of icy water is dumped over one’s head, and then donating money.
Normal Person: Sounds like fun! Sign me up!
Me: Are there eels in the bucket?
Normal Person: No.
Me: Jellyfish?
Normal Person: No. Just ice water.
Me: Is the water really sulfuric acid?
Normal Person: No!
Me: Sounds lame. Count me out.
---
Maybe my mind doesn’t work like the average conversationalist’s. But, as you might imagine, there’s nothing quite as memorable as a dinner party with me and my dad.
Normal Person: That's a long hallway. Me: Come play with us, Danny . . . for ever, and ever . . .
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