As you may have suspected, I get a lot of emails. Particularly, fan mail. So much so that I actually have a special folder in which my email server automatically funnels these types of correspondence. I thought today it might be fun to share some of these missives with you.
Dear Ms. Luongo,
I am Shamash Din Choudry, British citizen and second in line to ascend to the throne of Nigeria. I find myself trapped in Zimbabwe without my passport. If you could wire me $5,000 cash immediately, I will pay you back as soon as I get home, tenfold. Would you prefer reimbursement in jewels or gold?
Also, I am not a criminal.
Thank you,
Shamash
Of course, I was immediately suspicious. I can’t tell you how many Nigerian princes have emailed me over the years, some proposing marriage, all wanting money. Here’s what they don’t know in Nigeria: being a writer is a terrible way to make a living. Also, what’s going on in the Nigerian economy that they’re all so broke? But then I read that last line, assuring me he was not a criminal. Clearly, a real criminal would never make such a statement.
He sounded like a nice guy. I sent him five dollars and a signed copy of Ordinary Boy.
__________________________________________________
Dear Stacey,
Go longer and stronger tonight! Introducing the new d*ck drug that is sweeping the nation! Improve your libido! Monster erections! CLICK HERE
One of the problems with being a visible celebrity figure is that you get this kind of mail all the time: creepy strangers propositioning you. I always try to be polite when I respond, though.
Dear Dick,
Thank you so much for your kind encouragement to go “longer and stronger” with my next novel. However, your email was a tad inappropriate, and I am not that kind of girl. However, if you send me your address, I would be happy to send you a signed copy of Ordinary Boy.
Hugs,
Stacey
__________________________________________________
Dear recipient,
Avangar Technologies is exploding growth and would like offer you opportunity to earn extra money working with Avangar Technologies. druggists blame classy gentry Aladdin. We are looking honest, hard-working people to working 2 – 4 hours week from home and earn $3000 – $5000 weekly. lovelies hockey meager bespeak.
Please respond with your banking information, credit card number, and mother’s maiden name.
Okay, I’m not sure how this one was sent to my “fan mail” folder, because clearly, this person needs an editor. And they were willing to pay—a lot. $3,000 to $5,000 a week? Even though the estimation of two to four hours was ridiculous—if the rest of his manuscript looked like this email, it was going to take a lot longer than four hours to fix—it was still a lot of money.
I sent him my banking routing number and account number, my mother’s maiden name, and a signed copy of Ordinary Boy. But not my credit card number. I’m not stupid.
__________________________________________________
Dear Ms. Longo,
I just finished reading Ordinary Boy and wanted to let you know how much it affected me. Curtis immediately drew me in, and I loved reading his life’s jorney. I cried through the last three chapters.
You truly have a gift. Thank you for sharing this incredible story.
Sincerely,
J. Hamhock
This email is FULL of red flags. First off, “journey” is spelled wrong, so clearly she didn’t mean it. Secondly, “J. Hamhock” couldn’t possibly be any faker of a name. Clearly this is just someone trying to get a free signed copy of Ordinary Boy. I immediately hit delete.
__________________________________________________
To those of you out there who are thinking about writing to your favorite author, I’d urge you to do so, because it’s always nice to hear from one’s fans, especially when they’re encouraging you to go longer and stronger. Sometimes we need to hear these things. But please, stop asking for free stuff and money.
Unless you’re from Nigeria. I get that. Seriously, your whole country seems to be broke.
Dear Ms. Luongo,
I am Shamash Din Choudry, British citizen and second in line to ascend to the throne of Nigeria. I find myself trapped in Zimbabwe without my passport. If you could wire me $5,000 cash immediately, I will pay you back as soon as I get home, tenfold. Would you prefer reimbursement in jewels or gold?
Also, I am not a criminal.
Thank you,
Shamash
Of course, I was immediately suspicious. I can’t tell you how many Nigerian princes have emailed me over the years, some proposing marriage, all wanting money. Here’s what they don’t know in Nigeria: being a writer is a terrible way to make a living. Also, what’s going on in the Nigerian economy that they’re all so broke? But then I read that last line, assuring me he was not a criminal. Clearly, a real criminal would never make such a statement.
He sounded like a nice guy. I sent him five dollars and a signed copy of Ordinary Boy.
__________________________________________________
Dear Stacey,
Go longer and stronger tonight! Introducing the new d*ck drug that is sweeping the nation! Improve your libido! Monster erections! CLICK HERE
One of the problems with being a visible celebrity figure is that you get this kind of mail all the time: creepy strangers propositioning you. I always try to be polite when I respond, though.
Dear Dick,
Thank you so much for your kind encouragement to go “longer and stronger” with my next novel. However, your email was a tad inappropriate, and I am not that kind of girl. However, if you send me your address, I would be happy to send you a signed copy of Ordinary Boy.
Hugs,
Stacey
__________________________________________________
Dear recipient,
Avangar Technologies is exploding growth and would like offer you opportunity to earn extra money working with Avangar Technologies. druggists blame classy gentry Aladdin. We are looking honest, hard-working people to working 2 – 4 hours week from home and earn $3000 – $5000 weekly. lovelies hockey meager bespeak.
Please respond with your banking information, credit card number, and mother’s maiden name.
Okay, I’m not sure how this one was sent to my “fan mail” folder, because clearly, this person needs an editor. And they were willing to pay—a lot. $3,000 to $5,000 a week? Even though the estimation of two to four hours was ridiculous—if the rest of his manuscript looked like this email, it was going to take a lot longer than four hours to fix—it was still a lot of money.
I sent him my banking routing number and account number, my mother’s maiden name, and a signed copy of Ordinary Boy. But not my credit card number. I’m not stupid.
__________________________________________________
Dear Ms. Longo,
I just finished reading Ordinary Boy and wanted to let you know how much it affected me. Curtis immediately drew me in, and I loved reading his life’s jorney. I cried through the last three chapters.
You truly have a gift. Thank you for sharing this incredible story.
Sincerely,
J. Hamhock
This email is FULL of red flags. First off, “journey” is spelled wrong, so clearly she didn’t mean it. Secondly, “J. Hamhock” couldn’t possibly be any faker of a name. Clearly this is just someone trying to get a free signed copy of Ordinary Boy. I immediately hit delete.
__________________________________________________
To those of you out there who are thinking about writing to your favorite author, I’d urge you to do so, because it’s always nice to hear from one’s fans, especially when they’re encouraging you to go longer and stronger. Sometimes we need to hear these things. But please, stop asking for free stuff and money.
Unless you’re from Nigeria. I get that. Seriously, your whole country seems to be broke.
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