Everybody wants to lose weight, except for that really skinny witch from high school with the freakishly high metabolism. You know, the one you would sit on every day because you hated her. I hated her. I was the one next to you holding her down and force-feeding her a Ho Ho.
The problem with losing weight is that it's hard, and it requires self-discipline. Neither hard tasks nor tasks that require self-discipline are fun, which is why most people don't do well trying to lose weight.
I have personally tried every diet out there. The Atkins Diet worked for a while, but I began having vivid dreams of giant bowls of pasta begging me to eat them. Some would have found their little fettuccine mouths squeaking "You know you want me!" alarming, but I found them to be a perfect formation of buttery Parmesan goodness. My Atkins days were done for.
The South Beach Diet was a little better, because it occasionally allowed for a carb or two. However, one of the side effects of South Beach is atrociously bad breath, and I found that the cats would urinate spontaneously whenever I tried to lean in for a fuzzy feline kiss. My boss asked me if I would consider a work-from-home program. And the reality was, a fresh Hostess fruit pie had never given me halitosis.
Weight Watchers, that old tried and true, tends to work, as long as you count your points religiously. After a while, I became an expert at reading the calories, fat, and fiber content on the nutritional information label of any food item and calculating the points value in my head. (That Hostess fruit pie? 11 points! That's almost half a day's worth of food! So long fruit pie, hello clementine--half a point each.)
The problem with Weight Watchers is that the higher the fiber count, the lower the points, and I became a fiber fanatic. Fiber One yogurt (zero points!) and 1/4 cup Fiber One cereal (also zero points) for breakfast, fresh vegetables in vinegar for lunch (zee-ro!), a Vita Top muffin for snack (one point) ... the effect of all this fiber on my system was distressing, to say the least. I couldn't walk without experiencing excessive flatulence, and my boss asked me if I wanted to consider a work-from-the-bathroom program. It was just too embarrassing to continue with all this healthy eating.
Sadly, it turns out that there is no miracle solution for losing weight. It requires eating less and exercising more, no matter which way you cut it. You just have to resign yourself to working hard at counting calories, avoiding the Hostess outlet, and joining a gym and then actually going to it.
Or abusing laxatives. That works too.
The problem with losing weight is that it's hard, and it requires self-discipline. Neither hard tasks nor tasks that require self-discipline are fun, which is why most people don't do well trying to lose weight.
I have personally tried every diet out there. The Atkins Diet worked for a while, but I began having vivid dreams of giant bowls of pasta begging me to eat them. Some would have found their little fettuccine mouths squeaking "You know you want me!" alarming, but I found them to be a perfect formation of buttery Parmesan goodness. My Atkins days were done for.
The South Beach Diet was a little better, because it occasionally allowed for a carb or two. However, one of the side effects of South Beach is atrociously bad breath, and I found that the cats would urinate spontaneously whenever I tried to lean in for a fuzzy feline kiss. My boss asked me if I would consider a work-from-home program. And the reality was, a fresh Hostess fruit pie had never given me halitosis.
Weight Watchers, that old tried and true, tends to work, as long as you count your points religiously. After a while, I became an expert at reading the calories, fat, and fiber content on the nutritional information label of any food item and calculating the points value in my head. (That Hostess fruit pie? 11 points! That's almost half a day's worth of food! So long fruit pie, hello clementine--half a point each.)
The problem with Weight Watchers is that the higher the fiber count, the lower the points, and I became a fiber fanatic. Fiber One yogurt (zero points!) and 1/4 cup Fiber One cereal (also zero points) for breakfast, fresh vegetables in vinegar for lunch (zee-ro!), a Vita Top muffin for snack (one point) ... the effect of all this fiber on my system was distressing, to say the least. I couldn't walk without experiencing excessive flatulence, and my boss asked me if I wanted to consider a work-from-the-bathroom program. It was just too embarrassing to continue with all this healthy eating.
Sadly, it turns out that there is no miracle solution for losing weight. It requires eating less and exercising more, no matter which way you cut it. You just have to resign yourself to working hard at counting calories, avoiding the Hostess outlet, and joining a gym and then actually going to it.
Or abusing laxatives. That works too.
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