Stress is an amazing thing. It can manifest itself physically in so many ways: some people lose their hair; others have chronic stomachaches; some turn into fire-breathing dragons (guilty!). I’ve decided to scope out some of the experts’ top de-stressing techniques and report on how well they work.
Tip #1: Take a Walk. Sounds like a great idea, right? We’ve had a mild winter, the weather has been nice, and walking boosts endorphins and crap. You know what else gets a boost in warm weather? Tick reproduction. You will also find an increase in daytime skunk roaming, snapping turtle mating—right in the middle of the nature trail (honestly, they have no shame), and general wasp and hornet activity. Have fun on your walk. I’m staying indoors.
Tip #2: Eat a Snack. Now we’re talking, right? According to Dr. Drew Ramsey, some scientific guy I found online, “The connection between the gut and brain is huge . . . the gut is a major mediator of the stress response.” Sounds good to me. The rest of the article went on to talk about healthy snacking habits, but my attention span isn’t what it used to be, what with all this stress I’m under. I spotted the word “apple” and figured the rest of the sentence was “pie, served hot, with a scoop of ice cream, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream on top.” This was absolutely a stress-busting winner. Except now I’m stressing about my weight.
Tip #3: Buy a Plant. More science-y people claimed that this was a sure-fire winner, because some people in a study had a drop in blood pressure when they were near plants. Here’s the thing: I have naturally low blood pressure, so being around a plant might plunge it to dangerously low levels. Also, I have a black thumb, and would inevitably have stress and guilt over killing the plant—which will happen. Between my inability to remember to water it, and Wednesday’s and Pugsley’s affinity for destroying all things green, that plant doesn’t stand a chance. And don’t suggest a cactus. I’ve seen those cats use cactus thorns as toothpicks.
Tip #4: Turn Off Your Phone. This tip was a hands-down winner. Like many introverts, I hate talking on the phone more than getting a root canal. From a dentist in Guantanamo Bay. While wearing an outfit made of angry scorpions.
Tip #5: Drink Green Tea. Green tea is purported to be full of antioxidants, which can improve brain function, promote weight loss, and lots of other words I don’t understand like “flavonoids” and “catechins” (which is not the same thing as Catholic religious classes, as it turns out). But green tea is kind of . . . bland. And weak. I decided to substitute a different green drink, also proven to have magical healing properties. That’s right: shamrock shakes are out right now, and they are good for the soul. Three green shakes later, and I was feeling on top of the world. And bloated.
This carefully conducted research led me to two conclusions. One: even the stress experts believe phones are a tool of Satan. Two: If you must be stressed, try and do it in March, during shamrock shake season.
You’re welcome.
_______________
This week from The Storyside:
Vlad V. reviews Very Mercenary by Rayo Casablanca!
I talk about some of my favorite books from my impressionable childhood years!
And check this out: I interviewed Rob Smales about his new book, Echoes of Darkness!
Tip #1: Take a Walk. Sounds like a great idea, right? We’ve had a mild winter, the weather has been nice, and walking boosts endorphins and crap. You know what else gets a boost in warm weather? Tick reproduction. You will also find an increase in daytime skunk roaming, snapping turtle mating—right in the middle of the nature trail (honestly, they have no shame), and general wasp and hornet activity. Have fun on your walk. I’m staying indoors.
Tip #2: Eat a Snack. Now we’re talking, right? According to Dr. Drew Ramsey, some scientific guy I found online, “The connection between the gut and brain is huge . . . the gut is a major mediator of the stress response.” Sounds good to me. The rest of the article went on to talk about healthy snacking habits, but my attention span isn’t what it used to be, what with all this stress I’m under. I spotted the word “apple” and figured the rest of the sentence was “pie, served hot, with a scoop of ice cream, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream on top.” This was absolutely a stress-busting winner. Except now I’m stressing about my weight.
Tip #3: Buy a Plant. More science-y people claimed that this was a sure-fire winner, because some people in a study had a drop in blood pressure when they were near plants. Here’s the thing: I have naturally low blood pressure, so being around a plant might plunge it to dangerously low levels. Also, I have a black thumb, and would inevitably have stress and guilt over killing the plant—which will happen. Between my inability to remember to water it, and Wednesday’s and Pugsley’s affinity for destroying all things green, that plant doesn’t stand a chance. And don’t suggest a cactus. I’ve seen those cats use cactus thorns as toothpicks.
Tip #4: Turn Off Your Phone. This tip was a hands-down winner. Like many introverts, I hate talking on the phone more than getting a root canal. From a dentist in Guantanamo Bay. While wearing an outfit made of angry scorpions.
Tip #5: Drink Green Tea. Green tea is purported to be full of antioxidants, which can improve brain function, promote weight loss, and lots of other words I don’t understand like “flavonoids” and “catechins” (which is not the same thing as Catholic religious classes, as it turns out). But green tea is kind of . . . bland. And weak. I decided to substitute a different green drink, also proven to have magical healing properties. That’s right: shamrock shakes are out right now, and they are good for the soul. Three green shakes later, and I was feeling on top of the world. And bloated.
This carefully conducted research led me to two conclusions. One: even the stress experts believe phones are a tool of Satan. Two: If you must be stressed, try and do it in March, during shamrock shake season.
You’re welcome.
_______________
This week from The Storyside:
Vlad V. reviews Very Mercenary by Rayo Casablanca!
I talk about some of my favorite books from my impressionable childhood years!
And check this out: I interviewed Rob Smales about his new book, Echoes of Darkness!
Our stress-busting (and pants-busting) winner!
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