When you suddenly lose the use of one of your knees due to your misplaced confidence in your ice skating abilities, you gain a whole new outlook on life. Personally, I now have a healthy appreciation for the fragility of the human body, and have already vowed to live my life a little more carefully. Sure, I was never one to run a marathon pre-injury, but in the past, Ihad been known to sprint through the grocery store when Ben & Jerry's pints were announced as the manager's special sale of the day. In the future, I will be sure to walk, not run, to thefrozen food aisle. It will not be the end of the world if I get there too late to clean them out of Cherry Garcia. I will simply buy up all of the Chunky Monkey instead and be happy with that. And I vow to be nice to all of the rabid ladies who ignored the "slippery when wet" signs who will surely be crying as they writhe on the floor, clutching their twisted knees along with their pints of Chubby Hubby. Smug self-righteousness is no excuse for losing one's ability to empathize, I always say.
Don't judge me. Ever since being hobbled, I dream about things like ice cream sales a lot. I have a great deal of time on my hands, and not much to do with it. For instance, I took a couple of hours the other day to come up with this list of things I miss doing:
1. Shaving my legs
2. Standing upright unassisted
3. Putting on shoes all by my self
4. Painting my toenails
5. Wearing pants that fit and look nice, not all loose and 'leg brace lumpy'
6. Driving a car
7. Watching a hockey game without wincing or screaming "Slow down before you hurt yourself, for the love of God!" at the television
8. Going to the bathroom alone
9. Cooking a meal (this, of course, requires me to be able to do item #2 on this list)
10. Make it through the day without weeping
So for all of you out there who are feeling superior because you have two good knees that bend at will, take this column as a warning: danger lurks where you least expect it. That innocent-looking treadmill could be an agent of doom. Walking down the driveway to get the mail could be dangerous and a horrible risk to your well-being. In fact, any sort of exercise is hazardous to your health. If you really want to be healthy, my best advice is to stay in bed and enjoy a pint of Ben & Jerry'sin the safety of your own home. The frozen yogurt variety, of course - we are on a health kick here, after all!
Don't judge me. Ever since being hobbled, I dream about things like ice cream sales a lot. I have a great deal of time on my hands, and not much to do with it. For instance, I took a couple of hours the other day to come up with this list of things I miss doing:
1. Shaving my legs
2. Standing upright unassisted
3. Putting on shoes all by my self
4. Painting my toenails
5. Wearing pants that fit and look nice, not all loose and 'leg brace lumpy'
6. Driving a car
7. Watching a hockey game without wincing or screaming "Slow down before you hurt yourself, for the love of God!" at the television
8. Going to the bathroom alone
9. Cooking a meal (this, of course, requires me to be able to do item #2 on this list)
10. Make it through the day without weeping
So for all of you out there who are feeling superior because you have two good knees that bend at will, take this column as a warning: danger lurks where you least expect it. That innocent-looking treadmill could be an agent of doom. Walking down the driveway to get the mail could be dangerous and a horrible risk to your well-being. In fact, any sort of exercise is hazardous to your health. If you really want to be healthy, my best advice is to stay in bed and enjoy a pint of Ben & Jerry'sin the safety of your own home. The frozen yogurt variety, of course - we are on a health kick here, after all!
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