It's that time of year when all of the towns you've never heard of start posting signs about their annual fall festivals. Jason and I like to do the fall fair circuit, mostly because we're both big fans of fried food. We've had to limit our fair-going this year, as we have a business to run, but we managed to stop by three. Here were the highlights of each fair this year:
The Middle Haddam Fair: Never heard of Middle Haddam? Neither have we. We sat in traffic for 45 minutes waiting to get to this little fair, nestled amid corn fields and cow pastures. I was surprised that the parking was causing so much traffic backup. Their sign said they'd been holding this fair for 102 years, so I'd hoped they would be able to figure out a more effective parking setup by now, but no such luck. It was convenient that there were so many fields nearby, however, as I spotted more than one fairgoer jump out of their car and pee in the pastures while stuck in traffic. It did make me thankful that I don't live there.
Once we parked, I noticed immediately (and with some alarm) that I was clearly overdressed. I'd worn a black blouse and neatly pressed jeans, and I looked like I was on my way to a formal dinner compared to everyone else. Clearly, I should have worn a shredded tank top that highlighted my bra, short-short cutoffs, and my cowboy boots (if I were the sort to own cowboy boots. I am not). I might as well have carried a sign reading "I grew up in Glastonbury, and I think I'm better than you" which, quite frankly, was what I was thinking.
The fair was small, a camel bit my finger, and I opted not to use the port-a-potties for fear of catching crabs.
Highlights: The apple fritters were yummy.
Lowlifes: One truck actually had a confederate flag hanging off of its trailer. I borrowed a lighter from one of the gentlemen trying to light cow pies on fire and managed to set the flag up in flames. Then I had to run like the wind to get out of there before the hillbillies caught me. Luckily, because I was not wearing cowboy boots, I made a swift getaway.
The Woodstock Fair: This is a pretty big event held in northern Connecticut every year, and since I once found a lovely watercolor depicting Jack, Bobby, and Teddy Kennedy here, I have fond memories of this fair. We went on a rainy day, which cut down on the crowds, and admired the cows, rabbits, and most importantly, food. I'd dressed more appropriately (tee-shirt, jeans that were too tight) and wound up feeling pretty good about my body by the end of the afternoon. Honestly, people: if you need to lose more than ten pounds, don't wear a thong, and if you do, for the love of God, don't let it show above your spandex pants!
Highlights: I ran into Dennis, my former coworker, and got to meet his wife and see his new baby. Also, there were no camels.
Lowlifes: There was plenty of camel toe, however. Male and female.
The Hebron Fair: I've been going to this fair since I was a kid. Also, it's practically in our back yard, so it would be sacrilegious not to go. My aunt was kind enough to cover the store so we could attend on Thursday night. I do wish that I'd remembered Thursday night is Demolition Derby night, and that Jason loves the Demolition Derby. We walked around, Jason got a corn dog, I indulged in some cheese fries, and we settled down to watch a bunch of cars ram into each other. The temperature dropped to about 30 degrees right before the event started. Here is the actual text message conversation I had with my sister:
Me: I'm at the Hebron Fair, waiting for the Demolition Derby to start. If you could stop by and shoot me, I'd appreciate it.
Kim: You need to be shot. What's wrong with you, sis? Are you blowing out black snot yet?
Me: Hasn't started yet. The derby, I mean. Not my tears. Those started 20 minutes ago.
Kim: Want me to pick you up? I have tissues.
Me: No, my tears have frozen to my face.
Kim: Do they sell hot chocolate to help defrost the ice on your face?
Me: I bought hot chocolate and dumped it on my head to warm up and now my head's cold and wet.
Kim: How are the third degree burns?
Me: Painful. I passed out from the pain for a little while, so that helped kill some time.
Kim: AND helped keep you warm.
We made it through the event without getting hit by any flying bumpers, so overall, I'd say our outing was a success.
Highlights: Those were darn good cheese fries.
Lowlifes: The camel that bit me at Middle Haddam was at Hebron, too. It saw me, winked, and slowly ran its tongue across its hideous camel teeth.
Overall, our fall fair attendance went well. Jason bought a few clunker pretzels (he nearly chipped a tooth on one) but we bought some yummy apples from the Cavanna Farm Stand to make up for it. There were very few clowns, which was a bonus, but now I have a deep fear of camels. Also, I'm ashamed that there are people in my state who fly confederate flags and others who wear thongs when they shouldn't.
So there you go. Make your fair choices appropriately, and have fun.
The Middle Haddam Fair: Never heard of Middle Haddam? Neither have we. We sat in traffic for 45 minutes waiting to get to this little fair, nestled amid corn fields and cow pastures. I was surprised that the parking was causing so much traffic backup. Their sign said they'd been holding this fair for 102 years, so I'd hoped they would be able to figure out a more effective parking setup by now, but no such luck. It was convenient that there were so many fields nearby, however, as I spotted more than one fairgoer jump out of their car and pee in the pastures while stuck in traffic. It did make me thankful that I don't live there.
Once we parked, I noticed immediately (and with some alarm) that I was clearly overdressed. I'd worn a black blouse and neatly pressed jeans, and I looked like I was on my way to a formal dinner compared to everyone else. Clearly, I should have worn a shredded tank top that highlighted my bra, short-short cutoffs, and my cowboy boots (if I were the sort to own cowboy boots. I am not). I might as well have carried a sign reading "I grew up in Glastonbury, and I think I'm better than you" which, quite frankly, was what I was thinking.
The fair was small, a camel bit my finger, and I opted not to use the port-a-potties for fear of catching crabs.
Highlights: The apple fritters were yummy.
Lowlifes: One truck actually had a confederate flag hanging off of its trailer. I borrowed a lighter from one of the gentlemen trying to light cow pies on fire and managed to set the flag up in flames. Then I had to run like the wind to get out of there before the hillbillies caught me. Luckily, because I was not wearing cowboy boots, I made a swift getaway.
The Woodstock Fair: This is a pretty big event held in northern Connecticut every year, and since I once found a lovely watercolor depicting Jack, Bobby, and Teddy Kennedy here, I have fond memories of this fair. We went on a rainy day, which cut down on the crowds, and admired the cows, rabbits, and most importantly, food. I'd dressed more appropriately (tee-shirt, jeans that were too tight) and wound up feeling pretty good about my body by the end of the afternoon. Honestly, people: if you need to lose more than ten pounds, don't wear a thong, and if you do, for the love of God, don't let it show above your spandex pants!
Highlights: I ran into Dennis, my former coworker, and got to meet his wife and see his new baby. Also, there were no camels.
Lowlifes: There was plenty of camel toe, however. Male and female.
The Hebron Fair: I've been going to this fair since I was a kid. Also, it's practically in our back yard, so it would be sacrilegious not to go. My aunt was kind enough to cover the store so we could attend on Thursday night. I do wish that I'd remembered Thursday night is Demolition Derby night, and that Jason loves the Demolition Derby. We walked around, Jason got a corn dog, I indulged in some cheese fries, and we settled down to watch a bunch of cars ram into each other. The temperature dropped to about 30 degrees right before the event started. Here is the actual text message conversation I had with my sister:
Me: I'm at the Hebron Fair, waiting for the Demolition Derby to start. If you could stop by and shoot me, I'd appreciate it.
Kim: You need to be shot. What's wrong with you, sis? Are you blowing out black snot yet?
Me: Hasn't started yet. The derby, I mean. Not my tears. Those started 20 minutes ago.
Kim: Want me to pick you up? I have tissues.
Me: No, my tears have frozen to my face.
Kim: Do they sell hot chocolate to help defrost the ice on your face?
Me: I bought hot chocolate and dumped it on my head to warm up and now my head's cold and wet.
Kim: How are the third degree burns?
Me: Painful. I passed out from the pain for a little while, so that helped kill some time.
Kim: AND helped keep you warm.
We made it through the event without getting hit by any flying bumpers, so overall, I'd say our outing was a success.
Highlights: Those were darn good cheese fries.
Lowlifes: The camel that bit me at Middle Haddam was at Hebron, too. It saw me, winked, and slowly ran its tongue across its hideous camel teeth.
Overall, our fall fair attendance went well. Jason bought a few clunker pretzels (he nearly chipped a tooth on one) but we bought some yummy apples from the Cavanna Farm Stand to make up for it. There were very few clowns, which was a bonus, but now I have a deep fear of camels. Also, I'm ashamed that there are people in my state who fly confederate flags and others who wear thongs when they shouldn't.
So there you go. Make your fair choices appropriately, and have fun.
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