I am a Facebook lurker. I don't comment much, and I schedule my own posts a week in advance in case I forget to log on to the site for a week. I just don't enjoy Facebook much. Sure, it's a great source if you want to find out who died on any particular day, but besides being my personal online obituary resource, I find it mostly annoying. It's because of these people:
The Negative Nancy: Everyone has a Facebook friend that constantly posts about how rotten their lives are. Nothing ever goes right for these people: after complaining about a lousy night's sleep, they whine about their bad hair days, some guy who waited too long at the light after it turned green, and how the vending machine at work is all out of Cheetos. I have other FB friends who have legitimate complaints, like, say, a cancer diagnosis. Don't complain to me about your stupid parking ticket when there are people in this world who are putting positive spins on their chemo treatments.
The Productive Bragger: I have a lot of writer friends on Facebook who like to post how many words in a new story they've churned out in the past 30 minutes. Kudos to you, but how are you getting any writing done, considering you've been on FB updating everyone on your word count every half hour? These people wouldn't be so bad if they didn't post things like "Just wrote a 5000 page story and sent it off for submission! It's been a good morning!" Inwardly I'm cringing in empathy for the submissions manager who has to read that hot mess that you didn't even bother to edit before sending off.
The Negative Nancy: Everyone has a Facebook friend that constantly posts about how rotten their lives are. Nothing ever goes right for these people: after complaining about a lousy night's sleep, they whine about their bad hair days, some guy who waited too long at the light after it turned green, and how the vending machine at work is all out of Cheetos. I have other FB friends who have legitimate complaints, like, say, a cancer diagnosis. Don't complain to me about your stupid parking ticket when there are people in this world who are putting positive spins on their chemo treatments.
The Productive Bragger: I have a lot of writer friends on Facebook who like to post how many words in a new story they've churned out in the past 30 minutes. Kudos to you, but how are you getting any writing done, considering you've been on FB updating everyone on your word count every half hour? These people wouldn't be so bad if they didn't post things like "Just wrote a 5000 page story and sent it off for submission! It's been a good morning!" Inwardly I'm cringing in empathy for the submissions manager who has to read that hot mess that you didn't even bother to edit before sending off.
The Political Pirate: These are the people that hijack a post to let you know, in no uncertain terms, how they feel about the current state of the nation. I don't mind them so much when they're expressing an opinion I agree with -- I'm all for gay marriage and a woman's right to choose. It's the people who post the most idiotic things that drive me nuts. Do you REALLY think the president isn't even a citizen of the United States? Have you never bothered to google "president's birth certificate" to verify that he was, in fact, born in the USA, just like Bruce Springsteen? If you're going to spew your unsolicited opinion on everything from health care reform to the Greek economy, please check your facts first.
The Creepy Guy From High School: There was a time where I couldn't go on Facebook without some guy that I barely remember from my high school algebra class instant messaging me to ask me what I was wearing. Dude. There's a "relationship status" button on Facebook for a reason. My profile picture is of me and my husband. Stop. However, this guy was actually an inspiration for me to learn a little more about Facebook, like how to change my instant messaging status to Permanently Offline.
The Hostile Fruitbat: This is the person who goes beyond just political manifestos and bad hair days. I have one former FB friend who used to post status updates about how he wanted to stab all of his coworkers to death with a sharpened No. 2 pencil. Having worked in HR, I found this alarming. This isn't just a disengaged employee; this is a crazy person. I called the cops and unfriended him. Then I changed the town I live in from Nowhere, CT, to San Antonio, Texas. You know, in case he was eyeing me with pencil in hand.
I'm sure if you're on Facebook you recognize all of these people. Sure, they're mostly harmless (except for the potential pencil-weilding murderer). But they sure can ruin an otherwise pleasant day on Facebook. That's why I stick to Twitter.
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