Easter Candy Done Right

Every year around this time, I find myself appalled by how many people seem to be unaware of the rules for eating Easter candy. Oh yes, there are rules. Let me enlighten you:

• Jelly Beans: When taking a handful of jelly beans, it is polite to select one (and only one) of each color from the bowl. They are then to be eaten in order from worst to best flavor. This order is: yellow, green, black, orange, white, pink, purple, red. It is debatable whether red or purple is the best flavor, but you must always finish with red or you will be unlucky in love.
• Peeps®: When Peeps® are purchased, the package is to be opened but the marshmallow treats inside are to be left untouched. This promotes "staling" of the Peeps®, which, as everybody knows, makes them chewier and more delicious. It is permissible to sample a Peep® about four days into the staling process to see if the appropriate level of chewiness has been attained yet. It will not have been, but it is impossible to have an opened package of Peeps® on the counter without sampling one. Always bite into the Peep® head first.
• Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs®: These delectable luxuries are to be consumed in a total of five bites—no more, no less. Consuming these eggs in fewer bites will cause the chocolate and peanut butter to smear across your teeth, which is disgusting to look at. Taking more bites to eat these will not give you the full flavor with each bite, and overall is just ridiculous.
• Brach's Marshmallow Chicks & Rabbits®: These circus-peanut-like goodies come already pre-staled, which means you can eat them right out of the bag without any preparation. They are to be eaten in this order: yellow chick, orange bunny, blue chick, yellow bunny, orange chick, blue bunny (and repeat). Always start at the head and work your way down (I cannot emphasize this enough. Any other way would be a crime against humanity and candy.)

• Chocolate Rabbits: The rule of thumb for any chocolate rabbit, whether solid or hollow, is to start with the ears. Solid rabbits can be broken into chunks and dipped in a jar of peanut butter, ears first. Hollow rabbits are to have the ears bitten off, leaving an open hole on the head of the rabbit that should then be filled with peanut butter and consumed.
• Cadbury Crème Eggs®: Listen, I'm not a strict, unbending traditionalist, people. Eat these however you'd like . . . as long as it's with a spoon.
  

On a completely unrelated note, I have OCD.

Happy Easter/Passover/Volunteer Recognition Day, everyone!

I was joking, but apparently this really is a thing.