You’ve seen the quizzes online: are you dominated by the left hemisphere of your brain, rendering you organized and logical? Or are you a right-brainer, relying on your creativity and intuition to get you through life? (Spoiler alert: I’m a right-brainer.) I often envy left-brainers their sensible, systematic approach to life. I don’t know how they do it. But I also suspect that they wonder how right-brainers even make it through the day. Because a typical right-brain-dominated day might go something like this:
6:15 a.m. – Alarm goes off. It is imperative for the right-brainer to have an innocuous, non-threatening sound to wake up to (I use the theme song to Six Feet Under). A more traditional buzz or bell will result in the right-brainer running through a litany of what the alarm might be: fire, carbon monoxide, phantom old-fashioned phone ringing in the walls, giant carnivorous insect.
6:30 a.m. – Someone has cleaned the toilet bowl. The left-brainer knows this was a child or spouse, who did the cleaning in accordance with the weekend chore list that is updated monthly and pinned to the household bulletin board. The right-brainer assumes toilet elves came a-scrubbing during the night.
7:00 a.m. – The right-brainer heads out to work. They take a different route each time, depending on the day: this is to throw off stalkers, bill collectors, serial killers, traffic cops, the FBI, and giant carnivorous insects. Believe it or not, the right-brained person thinks they’re being organized and logical by doing this. The words “paranoid” and “nutso” never enter their thoughts.
7:50 a.m. – Safe and sound at work now that they’ve given that FBI tail the slip, the right-brainer must make the first important decision of the day. No, not “What flavor of coffee should I go for?” but rather, “Which will taste better? French vanilla mixed with hazelnut, or pumpkin spice with a splash of blueberry?” Note: the right-brainer will later complain how crappy the coffee tastes today.
10:05 a.m. – The right-brainer checks Facebook. They immediately spot one of their own:
___
Lefty Brainer (status update): There is NO phone call important enough that you would have to talk in a public restroom stall!
Righty Brainer (response comment): “Hello? 911? Yes, you see, I made a courtesy flush and the suction pulled my nuts down into the u-bend, and I’m trapped. No, no one will help me! Every time I ask if someone will come in and take a look, they just run the other way! Would you send someone? Hello? Operator, are you laughing?”
___
(It’s reassuring to the right-brainer to see there are others out there like them.)
12:30 p.m. – Lunchtime at the cafeteria. The right-brainer takes a seat next to her left-brained friend. The left-brainer has packed a balanced lunch: tofu linguine and alfalfa sprouts, a boiled egg, an apple, and vitamin water. The right-brainer grabbed a package of Oreos from the vending machine for lunch. The right-brainer looks over at the left-brainer’s linguine, offers them an Oreo-crumb-blackened smile, and says, “Whatcha got there? Squid? Intestines?”
12:35 p.m. – The right-brainer munches her Oreos at an empty table.
2:00 p.m. – Afternoon decaf for the right-brained folk. Jeez, this cinnamon-butter pecan-mint coffee tastes like crap. Must be the water.
4:30 p.m. – The workday ends for the right-brainer. The traffic guy on the radio reports a traffic jam on the highway. As she traverses the back roads, the right-brainer wonders what caused the jam: jet plane landing on the freeway? Car full of clowns driving the wrong way? The Avengers?
6:00 p.m. – Time to make dinner. Ignoring the recipe for grilled chicken and asparagus tips with new potatoes that her left-brained mother gave her, the right-brainer thinks, I’ve never hand-made my own pasta before. I should try that now!
8:30 p.m. – The right-brainer’s left-brained husband looks at the film of flour on the floor and lumps of dough now sculpted into fun farm animal shapes littering the kitchen, and orders a pizza.
9:30 p.m. – Bedtime!
10:06 p.m. – Why am I still up? the right-brainer wonders, never once thinking she should’ve checked to make sure that cinnamon-butter pecan-mint coffee was actually decaf. I must be worried about something. Clowns. Squid. Giant carnivorous insects. Any of these things could be living in my attic right now.
11:12 p.m. – Still awake. I should clean the bathroom right now. Or write a novel! That’s it—I’ll write that book I’ve been thinking about for ages, with the escaped lion from the zoo and the medieval washwoman and Bobby Kennedy! I can get three thousand words down, easy, right . . . right now . . . zzzzzzz . . .
The left-brained people reading this blog will probably assume this post was fanciful fiction.
The right-brainers know better.
6:15 a.m. – Alarm goes off. It is imperative for the right-brainer to have an innocuous, non-threatening sound to wake up to (I use the theme song to Six Feet Under). A more traditional buzz or bell will result in the right-brainer running through a litany of what the alarm might be: fire, carbon monoxide, phantom old-fashioned phone ringing in the walls, giant carnivorous insect.
6:30 a.m. – Someone has cleaned the toilet bowl. The left-brainer knows this was a child or spouse, who did the cleaning in accordance with the weekend chore list that is updated monthly and pinned to the household bulletin board. The right-brainer assumes toilet elves came a-scrubbing during the night.
7:00 a.m. – The right-brainer heads out to work. They take a different route each time, depending on the day: this is to throw off stalkers, bill collectors, serial killers, traffic cops, the FBI, and giant carnivorous insects. Believe it or not, the right-brained person thinks they’re being organized and logical by doing this. The words “paranoid” and “nutso” never enter their thoughts.
7:50 a.m. – Safe and sound at work now that they’ve given that FBI tail the slip, the right-brainer must make the first important decision of the day. No, not “What flavor of coffee should I go for?” but rather, “Which will taste better? French vanilla mixed with hazelnut, or pumpkin spice with a splash of blueberry?” Note: the right-brainer will later complain how crappy the coffee tastes today.
10:05 a.m. – The right-brainer checks Facebook. They immediately spot one of their own:
___
Lefty Brainer (status update): There is NO phone call important enough that you would have to talk in a public restroom stall!
Righty Brainer (response comment): “Hello? 911? Yes, you see, I made a courtesy flush and the suction pulled my nuts down into the u-bend, and I’m trapped. No, no one will help me! Every time I ask if someone will come in and take a look, they just run the other way! Would you send someone? Hello? Operator, are you laughing?”
___
(It’s reassuring to the right-brainer to see there are others out there like them.)
12:30 p.m. – Lunchtime at the cafeteria. The right-brainer takes a seat next to her left-brained friend. The left-brainer has packed a balanced lunch: tofu linguine and alfalfa sprouts, a boiled egg, an apple, and vitamin water. The right-brainer grabbed a package of Oreos from the vending machine for lunch. The right-brainer looks over at the left-brainer’s linguine, offers them an Oreo-crumb-blackened smile, and says, “Whatcha got there? Squid? Intestines?”
12:35 p.m. – The right-brainer munches her Oreos at an empty table.
2:00 p.m. – Afternoon decaf for the right-brained folk. Jeez, this cinnamon-butter pecan-mint coffee tastes like crap. Must be the water.
4:30 p.m. – The workday ends for the right-brainer. The traffic guy on the radio reports a traffic jam on the highway. As she traverses the back roads, the right-brainer wonders what caused the jam: jet plane landing on the freeway? Car full of clowns driving the wrong way? The Avengers?
6:00 p.m. – Time to make dinner. Ignoring the recipe for grilled chicken and asparagus tips with new potatoes that her left-brained mother gave her, the right-brainer thinks, I’ve never hand-made my own pasta before. I should try that now!
8:30 p.m. – The right-brainer’s left-brained husband looks at the film of flour on the floor and lumps of dough now sculpted into fun farm animal shapes littering the kitchen, and orders a pizza.
9:30 p.m. – Bedtime!
10:06 p.m. – Why am I still up? the right-brainer wonders, never once thinking she should’ve checked to make sure that cinnamon-butter pecan-mint coffee was actually decaf. I must be worried about something. Clowns. Squid. Giant carnivorous insects. Any of these things could be living in my attic right now.
11:12 p.m. – Still awake. I should clean the bathroom right now. Or write a novel! That’s it—I’ll write that book I’ve been thinking about for ages, with the escaped lion from the zoo and the medieval washwoman and Bobby Kennedy! I can get three thousand words down, easy, right . . . right now . . . zzzzzzz . . .
The left-brained people reading this blog will probably assume this post was fanciful fiction.
The right-brainers know better.
Can you spot the right-brainer in this picture? (Photo purloined from Mark Wholley. I think. Could've been Tony Tremblay.)
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