I love pets. I've owned a ton, and for this reason alone I like to pretend I'm an animal expert. If you're thinking about getting a new addition, here's a guide to some animals I've owned. Take a look to see what might be the best fit for you:
CATS
Who doesn't love cats? Besides people who are allergic to them, I mean. There's nothing sweeter on a rainy day than to have a purring cat in your lap whilst reading a good book. Open a pint of Ben & Jerry's, though, and that sweet little kitten will turn into a velociraptor hunting small children in a kitchen. Deny him a lick of Chunky Monkey, and your face will become his new scratching post.
PROS: Self-cleaning; poops in one place and buries it
CONS: Withholds affection; hairballs
WHERE'S MY CAT NOW? I do own two cats, but mostly I've been known to adopt a cat and then let my parents take care of it.
DOGS
Who doesn't love dogs? Besides cat people, I mean. A dog will be your loyal companion, your security alarm, and your faithful bed-warmer. However, he will also chew up your shoes, ruin your hardwood floors with his claws, and sniff all of your friends' crotches when they come over.
PROS: Dogs think you're the greatest. person. ever!
CONS: Poops wherever it wants; friend may not want crotch sniffed.
WHERE'S MY DOG NOW? Mom eventually got tired of walking the dog and feeding her and gave her away to a nice home. I think.
SNAKES
Who doesn't love a good snake? Besides squeamish people, I mean. And that kid in Lonesome Dove who was attacked by water moccasins. But otherwise, who else, really?
Snakes are a fairly low-maintenance pet. They don't demand attention and they poop, like, once every two weeks. What they do require, however, is for you to feed them live mice every once in a while. Also, they need a cage with a secure lock, or else "Snuggles" might try to eat you as you sleep. He probably won't succeed, but still, he'll try. Unless he's poisonous. Then you're going to die, which you deserve, because owning a poisonous snake is just stupid.
PROS: Controlled shedding; chicks will dig you because you own such a cool pet.
CONS: This is a wild animal that really should be living outside. Each time it stares at you with its sad, trapped eyes, your soul will die a little.
WHERE'S MY SNAKE NOW? Mom selfishly refused to let me dump this pet on her, so he traveled with me until he died of boredom.
FISH
Who doesn't love fish? Besides people who bore easily, I mean.
Fish won't jump on you, won't poop in your shoe, and won't try to eat you in your sleep. They won't do much of anything, really, except swim, poop where they swim, and eat foul-smelling flakes. Sometimes, they'll eat each other, which can add some excitement to the day, until you're left with just one (rather content and well fed) fish.
PROS: Fairly easy to maintain; just keep their water clean and feed them. Also, easy to dispose of.
CONS: There's not a lot going on with fish. Plus, cleaning their tank sounds suspiciously like work.
WHERE'S MY FISH NOW? Mom admirably kept my two kissing gouramis, Bill and Hill, alive for a good year after I left them with her. Eventually, however, they wound up flushed.
CATS
Who doesn't love cats? Besides people who are allergic to them, I mean. There's nothing sweeter on a rainy day than to have a purring cat in your lap whilst reading a good book. Open a pint of Ben & Jerry's, though, and that sweet little kitten will turn into a velociraptor hunting small children in a kitchen. Deny him a lick of Chunky Monkey, and your face will become his new scratching post.
PROS: Self-cleaning; poops in one place and buries it
CONS: Withholds affection; hairballs
WHERE'S MY CAT NOW? I do own two cats, but mostly I've been known to adopt a cat and then let my parents take care of it.
DOGS
Who doesn't love dogs? Besides cat people, I mean. A dog will be your loyal companion, your security alarm, and your faithful bed-warmer. However, he will also chew up your shoes, ruin your hardwood floors with his claws, and sniff all of your friends' crotches when they come over.
PROS: Dogs think you're the greatest. person. ever!
CONS: Poops wherever it wants; friend may not want crotch sniffed.
WHERE'S MY DOG NOW? Mom eventually got tired of walking the dog and feeding her and gave her away to a nice home. I think.
SNAKES
Who doesn't love a good snake? Besides squeamish people, I mean. And that kid in Lonesome Dove who was attacked by water moccasins. But otherwise, who else, really?
Snakes are a fairly low-maintenance pet. They don't demand attention and they poop, like, once every two weeks. What they do require, however, is for you to feed them live mice every once in a while. Also, they need a cage with a secure lock, or else "Snuggles" might try to eat you as you sleep. He probably won't succeed, but still, he'll try. Unless he's poisonous. Then you're going to die, which you deserve, because owning a poisonous snake is just stupid.
PROS: Controlled shedding; chicks will dig you because you own such a cool pet.
CONS: This is a wild animal that really should be living outside. Each time it stares at you with its sad, trapped eyes, your soul will die a little.
WHERE'S MY SNAKE NOW? Mom selfishly refused to let me dump this pet on her, so he traveled with me until he died of boredom.
FISH
Who doesn't love fish? Besides people who bore easily, I mean.
Fish won't jump on you, won't poop in your shoe, and won't try to eat you in your sleep. They won't do much of anything, really, except swim, poop where they swim, and eat foul-smelling flakes. Sometimes, they'll eat each other, which can add some excitement to the day, until you're left with just one (rather content and well fed) fish.
PROS: Fairly easy to maintain; just keep their water clean and feed them. Also, easy to dispose of.
CONS: There's not a lot going on with fish. Plus, cleaning their tank sounds suspiciously like work.
WHERE'S MY FISH NOW? Mom admirably kept my two kissing gouramis, Bill and Hill, alive for a good year after I left them with her. Eventually, however, they wound up flushed.
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