We don't have cable television or even regular television at home. You might think this would mean that we don't waste a lot of time watching mindless crap. Not true. Thanks to Netflix Streaming, Amazon Video, Crackle, and the websites for ABC, CBS, and NBC, we watch mindless crap every night.
I'm not going to lie: I've watched some garbage. I'm a sucker for a good soap opera like Sister Wives. But there are a few TV shows, over the years, that have won a special place in my heart. What are they? I'm so glad you asked!

Best Sci-Fi Futuristic Political Commentary Show Ever: Star Trek
People who criticize this show due to Bill Shatner's over-acting or the ridiculous Tribbles are missing the point. I took a class in college  that studied the cultural importance of such classics as Star Trek and Spiderman, and it was the single most useful college course of my career. Professor Trimble (fabulous man) would tell you that Star Trek depicted the basic struggle of the human mind to listen to logic (Spock), emotion (Bones), and ultimately weave both together in harmony in order to save the day and get the sexy girl (Kirk). Trimble applauded this show for showcasing a variety of races and cultures working together for a common good. Star Trek gave the world its first broadcasted interracial kiss, the inspiration for cell phones and tasers, and George Takei. What could anyone NOT love about this show?

Most Realistic Depiction of Marriage and Family: Roseanne
This show still cracks me up. Marriage is not all flowers and sunshine and perfect kids and healthy parental relationships. It's about kids who flip the bird in their class photos, mothers who are tired of working and cleaning and managing the house, husbands who get laid off and worry about paying the bills, and the single funniest sister-sister relationship ever to grace the airwaves. 
Roseanne: People who cannot handle conflicts, right away they run for the alcohol.
Jackie: Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne.
This show was ultimately about family, and let's face it folks, family isn't always pretty. (Mine is. But others are not.)

Best Game Show of All Time: Survivor
Jason used to make fun of me for watching this show, until he was in the room one day while it was on and got sucked right in.
Here's what I love about Survivor: It showcases human behavior at its basest and ugliest. People are manipulative, mean, lying schemers when there's money on the line. Oh, sure, not always: Survivor: Africa's Ethan Zohn came across as a genuinely nice guy, I suppose. But time and time again, it's the Richard Hatches of the world that make it to the end. (UPDATE: I met Richard Hatch on Nov. 2, 2013 and he is personable, friendly, and wholeheartedly delightful. I love him. Nobody is ever allowed to say anything bad about him in my presence, EVER. He deserves a million dollars.)
This show isn't all about rotten lying schemers, however. The physical competition, near-starving camp life, and intense social interaction does showcase the core human nature of the contestants, and some of them are genuinely good people (Lisa Whelchel, Rupert Boneham) that will restore your faith in humanity. Plus, the fact that the truly nasty ones (Russell Hantz) often don't win the million in the final tribal council will make you feel better about your fellow man. 
I get it. It's a game. But you're not going to get me to betray someone's trust and destroy alliances on national television. My mother would never forgive me.

TV's Darkest Delicacy Then: Alfred Hitchcock Presents
Thank God for re-runs and DVD. Alfred Hitchcock Presents was creepy, dark, and often offset by Hitchcock's delightful sense of humor, which he would interject before commercial breaks and at the beginning and end of each episode. Before I even knew this show existed, my mother would talk about this one episode, "Breakdown," in which a man is paralyzed in an accident and everyone thinks he's dead. My mother was (and still is) terrified that this would someday happen to her. Of course, everyone knows "Lamb to the Slaughter" with Barbara Bel Geddes, in which a wife murders her husband and feeds the murder weapon to the cops. But what about "The Big Score," in which a group of teenagers decide to rob a man, stab him during the robbery, and then find out later that he was a gangster, and now they're in big, big trouble?  (I mean, more so than just the run-of-the-mill 'we robbed a guy and stabbed him' trouble.) Fun stuff.

TV's Darkest Delicacy Now: The Walking Dead
How can I explain the appeal of this show? I suppose these two words sum it up: Daryl Dixon. 
What would life be like after the zombie apocalypse? Would the survivors band together and work to save humanity? Or would a creepy guy with an eye patch try to establish a cruel monarchy, complete with zombie fights and heads in aquariums? Who knows? What I do know is that if all of this were to happen, you'd better have one crossbow-shooting, motorcycle-riding, "I'll kill my big brother if he turns into a zombie, but I won't like it"-thinking zombie slayer on your side. This is the beauty of Daryl Dixon. (Interesting side note: I don't find Daryl's portrayer, Norman Reedus, particularly attractive outside of this role. But as Daryl, he melts me like butter.)
It's not just all about Daryl. There's a cop who can't keep his s**t together, the cop's son that had to shoot his own mother in the head (which, by the way, made little Carl a whoooole lot more interesting), and the lady who escaped an abusive marriage, lost her daughter, started training to become more efficient with a knife and gun, and performed a few zombie c-sections to increase her medical skills. Who is this woman's closest ally? That's right, our resident hunk of awesome, Daryl Dixon.
I like Michonne, too, the mysterious, katana-weilding loner. But not in the same way that I like Daryl.

Most Realistic Depiction of Life as a Gen-Xer: Friends
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I believe that I once had a group of friends named Ross, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel. Sometimes I wonder what they're up to these days. But since I'm not friends with them on Facebook, I guess I'll never know.
Friends was fun because it made some of the harshest realities of life--divorce, losing your job, having a crazy boyfriend/girlfriend that none of your friends like, having to work crummy jobs just to pay the rent--hilarious. Life sucks sometimes. Having strong friendships help.
I've been thinking about this show more lately because two of my friends recently, unexpectedly, hooked up, a la Monica and Chandler. I'm feeling a little Phoebe-like. Happy for them, but slightly grossed out because I'm getting details about both of them I'd rather not know. Friends: it could happen.

Best TV Show of ALL TIME, Ever, and Don't Even THINK About Arguing With Me On This Because You'll Lose: Six Feet Under
Six Feet Under was the smartest, darkest, funniest show to ever air on television. An examination of interpersonal relationships between the Fisher family and their friends/lovers/coworkers that centrally takes place at the Fisher-Diaz Funeral Home, you will actually get angry at other TV shows for not being as brilliant as this one. Seriously. Think Michael C. Hall is amazing as Dexter? I'd argue that his portrayal of David Fisher is the most dynamic, realistic, and entrancing characterization ever to grace a television drama. He was so good that my sister still refuses to believe that Michael C. Hall, in real life, is 1. not gay and 2. not a funeral director.
To top it off, this show had the best series finale in the history of series finales. It made the M*A*S*H series finale look like an episode of Barney & Friends. Love Seinfeld's ending? Watch this series finale and you will soon be in therapy to deal with your shattered self-confidence when you realize how spectacularly dumb Seinfeld's finale really was in comparison.

So what have we learned today? We learned that Stacey likes some crappy TV (Survivor) and good TV (Alfred Hitchcock Presents). We've reaffirmed that she's a little shallow (Daryl Dixon is delectable, I tell you!) And we've learned that she will, in fact, fight to the death to defend the honor of the greatest television series ever made, Six Feet Under.
You've been warned.

I'm not ashamed to admit I've watched the new Dallas series. In fact, I got a sneak peek of the first six episodes and wrote a review of the show (read it here)! See, my sister made me watch the old Dallas when I was about nine years old, and she must have made me keep watching it up until I was 18 and it went off the air. Seeing my old friends Bobby, Lucy, Ray, Sue Ellen, and J.R. on the new show made me realize how much I've missed them. So many of the life lessons I abide by today came from watching Dallas. For instance... 

1.   If you're going to shoot someone, make sure they're dead when you're finished.

2.  Sure, you can use your pretty face to marry money, but deep down, you'll always be Digger Barnes's daughter.

3.  That little old lady may look sweet, but you don't know if she's  bludgeoned her husband to death with a frozen leg of lamb, then cooked it up and served it to the police investigating the crime. (Wait. That might be a life lesson from Alfred Hitchcock.)

4.  Don't sleep with the hired help. That hot ranch hand might turn out to be your uncle.

5.  It's probably not a good idea to start getting drunk at 8 AM. But since I'm not married to J.R. Ewing, who am I to judge?

6.  Sometimes, when you think your life has turned to crap, it actually all turns out to be a bad dream.

So take it from me: tune in to the latest antics of J.R., Bobby, and Sue Ellen. You just might learn something useful!

When my fans are mobbing me as I walk down the street, they often ask "But Stacey, what do you watch on TV at night?" Apparently, these people can't make up their minds for themselves, so let me give you my take on the newest shows—and what you should (or shouldn't) be watching.

Alcatraz: Liz Sarnoff, who wrote for Lost, is working on this show, and you can tell. Prisoners from Alcatraz in the '60s are returning to modern-day San Francisco, causing murder and mayhem. Three detectives—a blond waif; the guy who played Hurley on Lost; and Sam Neill, who has yet to say "Warden James, after careful consideration, I've decided not to endorse your prison," which is kind of disappointing. If you're not going to embrace being typecast as Dr. Alan Grant, I have no use for you.
This show has left me with questions like "where the heck are these guys coming from, and why haven't they aged?" "Who is the guy behind the curtain in the sick ward?" "Who has the money to build an exact replica of Alcatraz underground?" and "Really, not one Jurassic Park reference from Sam Neill?" These are the types of questions I was left with when I used to watch episodes of Lost.  Which is why I stopped watching Lost.

Lost Girl: Jason insisted we start watching this show because the main character is a succubus. The definition of a succubus is "a woman demon who has sex with men," which explains why Jason was so gung-ho about watching this show. This is what I've learned so far:
1. Nobody understands how hard it is to be a succubus with a smokin' hot figure and supernatural powers trying to find out who your parents are.
2. The angst of being smokin' hot with supernatural powers manifests itself in tight, scanty clothes.
3. Being smokin' hot with superpowers means nobody even notices when you walk down the street half-naked.
4. Half-naked smokin' hot supergirls are allowed to be total sluts without repercussion.

I just can't get in to this show. Jason seems to like it, though.

Marrying Duran Duran: This witty comedy is about two girls from Connecticut, Kim and Stacey, who marry members of Duran Duran. Hilarity ensues, and each episode ends with everyband member professing their love for the two sisters.
Oh, wait.  That's not a real show.  That's my childhood fantasy.

Happy watching, my friends!

I have watched General Hospital for most of my life.  It started back in 1982, when my sister would watch it while babysitting me after school.  Through the years, it’s been like an old friend – sometimes, the show makes me laugh, sometimes, it makes me cry, but mostly, it makes me wonder how to tell this old friend that I’ve grown up and it hasn’t and we don’t really need to be friends any more. 

In all fairness, GH has taught me a few things about life. For instance:

1. As long as you dress like a Vogue model and have fabulous hair, you’re ready for anything. Honestly, I’ve seen these women survive train wrecks, hotel fires, murder sprees, and car crashes (sooo many car crashes) with their perfect coifs and Jimmy Choos intact.  So now, when I’m preparing for a hiking trip or a kayak ride, I like to run right out and get a hot oil treatment and new heels.
   
2. Life is easier if you have a cool name.  This has been proven time and time again on GH.  “Frisco” was a secret agent married to a Mayan princess. “Decker” was a sexy grifter who drove a Harley. “Mikkos” was a fabulously rich super-villain who put North America in deep freeze in the middle of July.  The people with ‘normal’ names, like Benny, Tony, Casey, and Jesse?  Dead, dead, space alien, and dead.  I fully understand that “Stacey” is not nearly as cool as “Frisco.”  It is, however, awfully close to “Casey,” which means I might turn out to be from outer space.  Really, I need to dump this show.          
   
3. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like giving your fiancée a lug nut for an engagement ring/buying your girlfriend a duck/raping a teenager on a dance floor.  I wish I was making this crap up. And did that rape lead to a socially responsible, sensitive handling of a victim’s emotional turmoil and eventual victory in court of her attacker?  Heck no. That rape scene led to the most popular couple on daytime television.
   
4. People won’t think you’re a tramp if you have four children by four different men, even if the guy you’re married to isn’t the father of any of them.  See, this was an eye-opener to me. Because that sounds kind of slutty to me.  But Elizabeth Webber is considered a saint – a saint! – on this stupid show. (For those of you who watch GH, here is the scorecard: Cameron—father is Zander; Jake—father is Jason; miscarried child—father is Jax; Aidan—father presumed to be Nicolas, Lucky’s brother.  Once this broke up Elizabeth and Lucky for good (I wish!) the father turned out to be Lucky.  To me, that sounds like a slut.)
   
5. There’s always a new crisis waiting around the corner.  Sure, their crises are a little different than mine—psychopaths kidnapping the local mob boss’s children, forged paternity tests, serial killers stalking the local mob boss’s right hand man.  My biggest challenges tend to be keeping the house clean, finding time to write, and not eating an entire chocolate mousse cake all by myself even though I really want to.  But then again, I’m not married to the local mob boss.  I suppose if I was, it would spice up my life a little bit.

 
So you can see, there are some benefits to watching soap operas.  For instance, I get to release a lot of anger calling Elizabeth names every time she comes on the screen. And…um…

All right.  I’ll admit it.  It is definitely time for me to break up with General Hospital.

I will. I swear.

Tomorrow.

We have all been raised in a culture in which Disney has been synonymous with family fun and wholesome entertainment.  I don’t quite know why this should be, as Disney films in particular can be pretty darn terrifying.  Why Old Walt has been able to avoid his true genre label for this long is baffling.  This is not a man who promoted bluebirds and happiness.  This is a man who made horror movies.

Bambi, for instance.  My mother took us to see this when it was rereleased in 1982, and it terrified the bejeepers out of me.  Up until this point, I’d had no idea that mothers could die.  I’d thought they were magical entities that would live forever.  Until Bambi’s mom was shot by hunters.