I'm writing this in my hotel room at NECON, the Northeastern Writers' Conference. I have to admit, it can be a little intimidating walking in to a conference center filled with some of the sickest, most twisted minds that horror has to offer, but I like to come prepared. Before I come to one of these events, I write up a list of fun topics and conversation starters in case I find myself face-to-face with F. Paul Wilson and can't interest him in the pictures of the time I met Duran Duran. Here was my list for this year:

1. Brush up on your serial killers. Many writers base their novels on real-life events, and find this subject fascinating. I found myself on the first day sitting next to Dallas Mayr (Jack Ketchum) and was able to successfully entertain him with tales of a serial cannibal I once knew. These kinds of sure-fire conversation starters are key to any horror convention.

2. Pick a side: Lovecraft or Poe? You just can't be ambivalent about this topic. If you're going to go to a convention of writers, you'd better love one and hate the other, and be able to defend your side vehemently. Otherwise, Darryl Schweitzer will peg you as an imposter faster than you can say "Cthulhu."

3. Watch as many obscure scary movies as possible before attending. The only thing horror writers like more than a creepy story is a scary movie. There also seems to be a tendency among this group to find the most ambiguous film ever made and make you feel like a giant lump of stupid if you haven't seen it. Heard today over lunch: "You haven't seen 'When Hell Comes to Frog Town'? It's only Rowdy Roddy Piper's best cinematic performance of his career. I'm sorry, I can no longer continue speaking to you, you giant lump of stupid."

4. Be prepared to have your favorite Stephen King novel completely skewered. Another popular activity for horror writers: espousing on why Stephen King is a hack. You thought The Stand was fabulous? Blind meadow voles could sniff out a better novel. Did you find Bag of Bones entertaining? You are an incompetent boor who should be eaten alive by blind meadow voles. Why on earth would you be so foolish to think that the most popular author on the planet could actually write a good story? (I suspect this is such a favorite activity among horror writers because they might be a tad jealous. However, this has not prevented me from trashing Under the Dome in select circles.)

There you have it: a primer on blending in among horror's literary elite. I would write some more tips, but I am currently being dragged outside and tied to a stake so that I can be eaten alive by blind meadow voles.

(with apologies to Nathan Schoonover, a genuine paranormal investigator and good friend.)

We've all seen the reality shows—ghost hunters, chasing shadows in dark buildings, trying to find out what, exactly, made that strange noise. Coming from a family of hunters, I find this whole concept of ghost hunting extremely unfair. A ghost, of course, has an extreme advantage while on a hunting excursion.

First of all, ghosts hover and glide instead of walking like mere mortals. They don't have to worry about a deer or moose hearing them try to sneak up on them. Plus, they can hang out pretty much wherever they want, so there's no reason to build cumbersome deer stands that could potentially be spotted by a clever deer at any time. Honestly, I don't know why ghosts even bother hunting, because it doesn't sound like much of a challenge for them.

The only potential problem a ghost might have while on a hunting trip would be if the sheet they're wearing needs a good washing. Lord knows, many a hunt has been ruined by a moose getting a good whiff of moldy sheet when a ghost happens to be upwind of their prey. If I were a ghost, I'd probably hunt naked. But that's a whole different blog entry.

Personally, I think a ghost would have a better career using their hunting skills in a nice sniper or hitman position. They could float into the target's room, get a shot off, and disappear in a cloud of vapor before the cops arrive on the scene. Plus, even if they mess up and leave the weapon behind, they have nothing to worry about—ghosts don't have fingerprints.

To me, there's no excitement in watching ghost hunter shows. Give me an episode of Casper the Bounty Hunter any day.

Fellow author Kristi Petersen Schoonover and I have a theory.  Much like there are cat and dog people in this world, there are also two types of people in the literary horror genre.  So I ask you – are you a Lovecraft, or are you a Poe?

Personally, I am Team Poe.  Ever since I was a child, gathering bricks around the farm to recreate my favorite scene from “The Cask of Amontillado”, I’ve been a bit of a Poe nut.  Watching Vincent Price inThe Fall of the House of Usher cemented it for me—if you’re looking for scary, Poe’s your guy.  Plus, he isn’t just terrifying—he’s clever.  One of my favorite short stories of his is “The Sphinx,” in which a terrifying monster on the landscape turns out to be…well, I don’t want to ruin the surprise for you, but it makes you think.  Mostly about how you’ll never write as well as Poe.

He also was surrounded by scandal and mystery.  Kicked out of West Point, disowned by his step-father, married to his cousin…this guy had it all.  Except money.  The one thing Poe was not known for was being wealthy.  In fact, he died broke and drunk inBaltimore, Maryland, after being found facedown in a gutter.  Even his death is shrouded in mystery, which is only fitting for such a man.

Now, I can appreciate H.P. Lovecraft.  I am well aware that there would be no plush teal Cthulhu dolls in the world if not for this man’s warped imagination.  I just don’t particularly enjoy reading him.  He seems to delight in confusing and bewildering the reader, to the point where I just don’t want to finish the story.  If it makes my sinuses ache to read it, folks, I tend to put the story down.  Nothing makes me reach for the Sudafed faster than hearing a story or an author described as “Lovecraftian”.

Cthulhu mythos aside, Lovecraft was known for his ideas on fate—specifically, that we can’t escape it, and that we’re responsible for paying the price of our ancestors’ crimes.  This all sounds very familiar to me.  Like I’ve read this before.  About the house of Usher.

Also, Lovecraft didn’t lead the life of intrigue that Poe did.  Sure, both of his parents wound up in an insane asylum, and he wound up spending his later years moving to smaller and smaller houses with his aunts, but still, a tiny hovel with your elderly aunts still beats FACE DOWN IN A GUTTER, doesn’t it?  Lovecraft would die a slow, painful death from cancer of the small intestine.  Sure, it’s not fun.  But it’s also, I repeat, not FACE DOWN IN A GUTTER.

So, are you a Lovecraft, or a Poe? Do you like mystery, scandal, and quality writing?  Or do you prefer garbled puzzles with no solution, bizarre sea monsters, and malnutrition? And don’t give me that “I like them both” garbage.  It’s time to take a stand.  And you know, deep down in your soul, in the bowels of R’lyeh under the waters, you want to.

Come on down to Worcester, MA this weekend to see me and my scary writer friends (including Kristi)!  We'll be at Rock & Shock this weekend, where I will be signing books, speaking on two panels, and getting all goofy when I meet Rowdy Roddy Piper!

We have all been raised in a culture in which Disney has been synonymous with family fun and wholesome entertainment.  I don’t quite know why this should be, as Disney films in particular can be pretty darn terrifying.  Why Old Walt has been able to avoid his true genre label for this long is baffling.  This is not a man who promoted bluebirds and happiness.  This is a man who made horror movies.

Bambi, for instance.  My mother took us to see this when it was rereleased in 1982, and it terrified the bejeepers out of me.  Up until this point, I’d had no idea that mothers could die.  I’d thought they were magical entities that would live forever.  Until Bambi’s mom was shot by hunters.  

Being in bed all weekend with my knee propped up and carefully portioning out Oxycontin so I don't become addicted has left me with a lot of time on my hands.  Couple that with free HBO and Showtime this month, and you can imagine what I've been doing the past few days.  That's right - I've been watching a lot of crappy movies.  Watching Megapython vs. Gatoroid, with its insta-classic catfight scene between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson, has inspired me to make a list of my favorite horror movies.

Note: these are my favorite horror movies of all time, not necessarily what you believe are the best horror movies of all time.  Your gripes that The Exorcist is not included are not welcomed nor appreciated.  I didn't see it until I was 32 and I'd built it up in my mind so much that when I did see The Exorcist, it just didn't scare me that much.

10.  The Lost Boys (1987, starring Jason Patric, Keifer Sutherland, the two Coreys, and Alexander Winter)  Before there was Twilight, there was this original teen vampire movie, a drool fest for every teenage girl in the 80s.  Keifer Sutherland as David, the supercool vampire who tricks Jason Patric into becoming one of the undead?  Bite me...please!

9.  The Nightmare on Elm Street Series (1984 - 2003, Robert Englund)  I love it when the scary bad guy has a sense of humor.  Robert Englund hamming it up as the razor-fingered child murderer makes these films my favorite guilty pleasure.

8.  Frozen (2010, cast of unknowns)  What is your biggest fear?  To lose your loved ones?  To die alone?  Mine has always been to be eaten by wolves.  This movie delivers on my worst nightmare tenfold.

7.  Pet Sematary (1989, Fred Gwynn, Denise Crosby)  The book by Stephen King scared me so badly my hair went prematurely gray at the age of 11.  Why I thought it would be a good idea to then watch the movie is beyond me.  Forget the little kid with the knife - the mangled cat still terrifies me today.

6.  The Changeling (1980, George C. Scott)  This movie has little blood, gore, and absolutely no zombies, but it still made me jump out of my skin.  A simple ghost story about a man staying in a haunted mansion...still up there as one of the scariest movies I've ever seen.

5.  The Shining (1980, Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall)  I KNOW Stanley Kubrick butchered the novel by Stephen King, but the result was still a great movie.  Jack Torrance takes a job as the winter caretaker of a haunted hotel and drags his wife and son along.  As a writer, the idea of isolating oneself in a creepy hotel for the winter to work on the Great American Novel is definately appealing to me.  Going stir crazy (or just regular crazy) and hacking my family to bits...the scariest part of this movie is that it could happen.  Except for the creepy twin girls randomly apparating in the hallway.  That probably wouldn't happen in real life.

4.  Student Bodies (1981, cast of unknowns)  My BFF in high school, Laura, made me watch this movie, thus proving herself to be the best BFF ever.  This horror movie spoof about a killer named The Breather stalking a high school still makes me laugh out loud and wet my pants a little bit every time I watch it.

3.  Psycho (1960, Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh)  Alfred Hitchcock is my favorite director of all time, and like many, many people, this is my favorite movie by Hitch.  Plus, I thought Norman Bates was just adorable.  A little too attached to his mother, maybe, but still a cutie pie.  

2.  The Silence of the Lambs (1991, Anthony Hopkins, Jodie Foster)  The most disturbing thing about this movie was that the bad guy...was someone you kind of wanted to root for.  Dr. Hannibal Lecter is brilliant, enchanting, entertaining, and a sadistic cannibal.  What scared me the most was that I would have definately dated that guy if I'd ever met him.  Then he'd eat my liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

1.  Poltergeist (1982, Craig T. Nelson, JoBeth Williams)  This movie has always scared me and continues to terrify me.  I first saw it when I was 9 years old at a sleepover party, and I still have occasional nightmares about kid-eating trees and possessed stuffed clowns to this day.  I watched it again when I was 30 and had to sleep over my parents' house that night because I was afraid to be in my house alone until I could verify with the assessor's office that it hadn't been built on an indian burial ground.  

Feel free to argue, rant, commend, or ridicule my list as you see fit.  I'm off to check my closets to make sure there are no portals to other dimensions in there.