I cannot stand this stop-action cartoon, which Jason is well aware of, which is why he has no right to complain when he puts it on and I heckle it. Rudolph is a dope. Hermie is a sicko. And Yukon Cornelius needs to set his standards a little higher when he’s picking his friends.
One of the things about this Christmas special that makes me want to surgically remove my own spine through my ears is Rudolph’s voice. His father makes him wear a fake nose, which makes him sound all stuffed up. He blows his own fake nose off (which, quite frankly, is disgusting) and then he sounds…stuffed up. Maybe he’d be invited to join in on those reindeer games if he’d just use a Kleenex and take an antihistamine once in a while. Nobody likes to hang out with the kid that has a snout full of boogers, Rudy.
The story's biggest problem is Hermie, who pretends he wants to be a dentist but who is really a sick psychopath that likes to torture animals. Why isn’t PETA protesting this cartoon yet? The rotten little bastard pulled out all of the Bumble’s teeth! Every last one! This poor polar pooh-bear is going to die slowly and miserably, starving to death as he tries to gum his food. The guy’s a carnivore, for goodness sake. Meat eaters kind of NEED their incisors to tear into their food, you twisted, horrible little goblin!
You can tell the scriptwriters were a little tired and bored with their own story when they thought up the Island of Misfit Toys. Here was a prime opportunity to come up with some really creative, terrible toys. A teddy bear stuffed with asbestos, maybe. Or a doll with used hypodermic needles for fingers.Something a little more rebellious than a Jack-in-the-Box named Charlie. I don’t know a kid alive that cares what the clown that pops up out of the box is called. Unless it’s Charlie Manson-in-a-Box. That might qualify as a misfit toy.
My point is, a perfectly adorable polka-dot elephant is NOT a misfit toy. However, a stupid malicious elf with a pair of pliers and a history of animal mutilation belongs on an island all by himself. Or on an island with Manson. Let’s give both of them a dentist’s drill and see who’s still standing after a few days!
We all know how this one ends. Santa is clearly too stupid to put running lights on his sled because apparently it’s the first time they’ve ever had bad weather on Christmas Eve, so Rudolph has to lead the sleigh around the world. I’m sure they put him at the very front of all the reindeer because Vixen didn’t want him sneezing all over her rump all night. Honestly, blow your nose already!
My version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer would go a little differently. For one thing, it would be a lot shorter. And it would end with a tender slice of grilled venison so succulent, it would melt in a Bumble’s mouth.