The three most important things to consider during the zombie apocalypse are as follows:
1. Where will I live?
2. What will I eat?
3. What will be my weapon of choice?
For me, living and eating go hand-in-hand. The basics of what I’ll need for food consist of protein, fruits/veggies, and fresh water. (Bet you thought I was going to say Double Stuf Oreos there. The world has ended. We’re going to have to make sacrifices, friends.) This is why I’m going to move to North Port, Florida during the zombie apocalypse. There’s a warm mineral spring there for fresh water, it’s near the ocean so I can fish, and there should be plenty of orange groves for fruit. I figure I can find a nice, gated retirement community, kill all the old-people zombies living there, and take it over. How will I get there, you ask? I’ve already designed my transportation. I call it a Spike Bike (patent pending). I’ll just ride down, and any zombies that cross my path along the way will be impaled on my front bike fender.
Of course, for the first year of the apocalypse, I can supplement my fish/orange/mineral water diet with supplies plundered from the grocery store. This will give me time to plant my cacao and coffee bean trees. As I said, some sacrifices will have to be made, but I’m not giving up my coffee or chocolate. We don’t have to turn into heathens, after all.
All that I have to worry about from there is my zombie-killing weapon. I love Daryl Dixon on The Walking Dead as much as the next gal, but a crossbow just isn’t efficient. He’d have to constantly be on the lookout for more ammunition. This is why I recommend a handheld, pointy instrument. Michonne’s choice of a katana sword makes a lot more sense to me. It’s sharp, it provides a bit of distance between her and the zombie, and it lops off heads like a hot knife through butter. However, why not take it one step further? Maybe increase the distance between your brains and the attacking zombie? This is why I’ll be spearing the undead with a giant whaling harpoon. Sure, it’s heavy and maybe awkward to lug around, but if it can kill a whale, surely it can take out a zombie or two.
Uh-oh. I just heard on the radio that toxic waste was discovered leaking into the East River. I’m sure the rest of you will feel pretty foolish in a few weeks. I’m going to grab my fishing pole and pedal off to North Port—see ya!