My mother doesn't feel she can write spur-of-the-moment, witty blog posts. A retired science teacher, she actually has nightmares about substitute teaching for English writing classes**. So instead, I decided to write a post on what I think my mother would say if so inclined. Here goes:
Thank you for reading my daughter's weekly blog posts. While I have always known that she is brilliant and funny, it's nice to know that the rest of you have caught on to that fact as well. Personally, I think she should focus more on humor and less on writing horror, but I also know that she's actually getting paid to write horror, so that's okay, too.
I want you to know that she had a perfectly normal childhood. Where she gets these ideas to kill people off and turn them into zombies, I have no idea. She did once throw a tap shoe at her sister when she was about six; let me assure you that she was properly punished and grounded for a week with no TV privileges after this incident. What inspired her to throw that tap shoe in the first place is a mystery. She must get those aberrant tendencies from her father's side of the family.
Stacey has always been the cut-up in the family. I remember one time how she made a loud burping noise in church, right when the priest was saying the holy blessing for communion. Oh, how she and her sister laughed! They were both grounded for a week after that little incident. Also, I stopped letting her watch Carol Burnett & Friends after that, in case that's where she got the idea that burps were funny. Boy, that Carol Burnett sure is a card. I love those old re-runs when she and Harvey Korman would struggle to keep a straight face during the skits! Now that I think of it, I don't recall any excessive burping on the show. Again, I'll blame Stacey's father's side of the family for that kind of juvenile humor.
As she got older, I'm happy to say that Stacey's sense of humor became more developed and sophisticated. She graduated from jokes about bodily noises to jokes about her teachers, classmates, and friends. While she was often right on the money and showed a natural gift for mimicry, it did result in both a lack of close friends and the occasional detention. I can't even blame her father for this. Who wants to be friends with someone who makes fun of you? That's when I put her in therapy. Oh, how she'd have us roaring at the dinner table when she would imitate her psychiatrist. A true card, that's my daughter.
Now that she's grown up, she is less inclined to pick on others and more likely to write about things like dieting, hairballs, and gardening. I find her to be insightful, funny, and charming ... as should you. She often has me laughing so hard I have tears running down my face. Finally, she's developed a sense of inspired witticism and natural wisdom ... clearly inherited from my side of the family.
So thank you again for reading my daughter's blog faithfully every week. Should you decide to stop, please let me know. I will then hunt you down and slap you with a tap shoe.
*Actual sound effect Mom made.
**Totally true. She told me this today. Of course, after today, she may never confide in me again.