1. For outside chores that can't be put off, like weeding the garden, I like to call up my sister and remind her that I would never have broken my kneecap if she hadn't mentioned to my husband a year ago that she'd taken her kids ice skating. She's the one that planted the idea in Jason's head, and he subsequently insisted we go skating, and I wound up on crutches for four months and am still going to physical therapy. I find that if I cry out in pain every time I breathe while on the phone with my sister, it's usually enough to make her come over and weed the garden for me out of guilt (or to shut me up). I'm not totally heartless, though. I try to be good about shooing away the Japanese beetles that land on her after she's passed out from sunstroke amid the zucchini.
2. It pays to paper your neighborhood with flyers offering free housewatching during the summer while your neighbors are on vacation. When the Joneses stop by and ask me to feed their cat while they're in Disney World, I'm always willing to take their house keys. Then I move in to their home for a week, order porn on DirectTV, crank up the AC, and use their pool as my own personal bathtub. Sometimes, I even remember to feed their cat. However, I've found that most of my neighbors are total crankypants, and they rarely ask me to watch their house a second time.
3. When the humidity has my hair looking like I'm trying to win a Diana Ross drag queen contest, I tell my friends that I've just paid hundreds of dollars for the latest in forward-fashion: the chia-perm.
4. Who wants to cook in this heat? Not me. I like to drive around town until I smell someone cooking on the grill. Then I walk across their yard, tell them meat is murder, and throw a pail of maggots over their barbequed chicken legs. This is usually enough to make them throw the meat at me in disgust. This way, I can scoop up my ready-made dinner, spicy BBQ chicken with a side of grilled maggots, without ever having to turn on the oven! Win-win!
5. I do try to think of others when I'm relaxing in the neighbor's pool. I like to shampoo the neighborhood dogs with Nair to help them cool off during the summer heat. YOU wouldn't wear a fur coat in 90 degree weather; why would you make Fido do it? Though I have to admit, once Fido's bald as a cue-ball, he looks more like a Yoda.
Feel free to take any of these helpful heatwave hints and use them yourself. Sure, the neighbors have taken to throwing eggs at my house as they drive by, but since it's hot enough to fry an egg out there, it gets me out of cooking breakfast!