- “Doctors” who say exercise is good for depression are giant, unapologetic liar-heads. There is nothing lonelier than walking the perimeter of a parking lot three times because you have nothing else to do at lunch.
- You can enjoy the sights and sounds of nature while walking. Ha! Not at work you can’t, unless you work at a campground or nature preserve. I regularly see cigarette butts and discarded Dunkin’ cups, hear things like diesel engines revving and car horns honking, and smell things like the last spray of the skunk that was flattened on the escape road near my office. (Wait: that might actually qualify as nature. My bad.) Don’t get me wrong: sometimes Mother Nature does remind me of her power. I’ve been caught in sudden snow squalls, unexpected downpours, a giant swarm of parking-lot-dwelling mosquitoes . . . I can respect nature. But “enjoying” is a b-i-i-i-g stretch.
- Walking will keep you young. Honestly, who thinks of this garbage? Nothing will remind you that you’re overdue for a physical, or a knee replacement, faster than a long walk. Did you forget that you have a bladder the size of a pea? One ten-minute walk will be enough to jog your memory--and have you jogging back inside.
- Walking can lead to weight loss. Maybe this is true, if you walk more than three parking-lot laps a day. However, my shackle reminds me constantly that I’m not getting my heart rate up into the “fat-burning zone,” which leads me to suspect that my daily sojourns are pointless. But I have a full-time job, and am also an author, freelance editor, and a publisher. Sometimes I’m an artist, too. When the hell am I supposed to find the time to walk enough to lose weight? Who do you think is providing the roof over your head, you stupid Fitbit?
- Walking helps improve many health conditions, including high blood pressure, stress, and insomnia. Let me tell you about yesterday’s parking-lot foray: my blood pressure shot up to aneurysm levels when I jumped into a snowbank to avoid the semi barreling my way. The snow, it turns out, was hiding the aforementioned flattened animal, and I stepped laces-deep into rotting skunk innards. And if you think I was able to sleep last night with that stink permeating the house (impressive, considering I left my shoes outside), think again. I’m going to have to wash my walls with tomato juice this weekend, which I must say is not going to do much for easing the stress in my life.
So with all of this evidence that walking is pointless, why keep doing it? Didn’t I already cover that? It gives me something to do, and it temporarily silences my shackle when I do it. However, next week I’m going to try a new approach to healthy living: reading a book on my lunch break and leaving the Fitbit at home.
I think it’ll do wonders for my blood pressure.