1. Stopping the Facebook Crap. I'm tired of your stupid quizzes, Facebook. I do not need to know what Disney villain I am, or what crime I committed in a former life, or what famous writer should write the story of my life. I don't care. None of these things affect my life in any meaningful sense.
I'm also going to start actively hiding people from my feed who take too many selfies. I actually had a Facebook friend who posted selfies showcasing her butt yesterday. I. Don't. Care. About. Your. Heinie. Just stop.
Ditto politically outraged friends, friends with newborns, friends with new puppies, and newlyweds. I'm hiding all of you in 2015. Facebook is cluttering up my life, and making me like people that I used to be fond of a LOT less.
2. Learning New Skills. 2014 started out, for me, as the poorest I've ever been in my entire life. Because of this, I had to learn some new skills, pronto. While I've let my Ramen noodle recipes fall by the wayside since then, I still make homemade laundry detergent and fry my own potato chips. Handy skills. I want to learn more cool and useful stuff like this. But not, I repeat, not, if I have to be that poor again.
3. Finding More Alone Time. Don't get me wrong--I'll still make time for my family and friends. But I'm the kind of person who needs time to herself to be happy. I've been forgoing this much-needed alone time to make other people (like Jason) happy. And I'll admit, it's made me pretty cranky and miserable, and in turn, makes the people around me miserable. But you know who is ultimately responsible for making sure I'm happy? Me. So I'm going to carve out more time in 2015 to be by myself, and I think it'll make everyone a little happier.
4. Eating more bacon. Let's face it: everything we eat is bad for us. However, studies conducted (by me) show eating bacon, while bad for the arteries, is actually good for the soul. Bring it on.
5. No longer apologizing for who I am. For example, I totally geek out when I meet former WWE wrestlers from the 80s and 90s. Seriously, it's embarrassing how excited I get. Some of my friends make fun of me for this. You know what? If my excitement over meeting Hacksaw Jim Duggan seems dorky to you, what does it matter? I'm happy. So you can shut up. I'm done apologizing for my fascination with Stone Cold Steve Austin. And while I'm at it, I drink four cups of coffee a day, I'm constantly correcting your grammar in my head, and I thought the movie Ted was hilarious. I know a lot of useless trivia about serial killers and the Kennedy family. I'm terrible with directions. And I'm not apologizing for any of these things any more.
There you have it. I'm keeping the list to five things this year, because the thing about resolutions is that they need to be achievable and not overwhelming. I already started on this list today: I hid the Butt Selfie-Taker from my feed, and "liked" Stone Cold's Facebook page. (That's right, I'll say it: he is smokin' hot.) Here's what I know: I'm going to try to start thinking about things that make me, and not everyone else around me, happy. Because really, that's what all of these resolutions boil down to. I hope for your sake that you, too, resolve to be more selfish in 2015. And eat more bacon.
Happy New Year!