1. If you want a job done right, send a woman to do it.
First of all, the dinosaurs at Jurassic Park were all born female. And I think we all can agree that the dinos were running the show in this flick.
Secondly, it was Dr. Ellie Sattler who rolled up her sleeves and dug into the dinosaur dung to solve the mystery of the sick triceratops. I didn’t see any of the men around her offering to help. Also, it was Ellie who dodged velociraptors in the maintenance shed to get the power primed to come back on. (Arguably, I can see why they sent Samuel L. Jackson first—I would think nobody, not even carnivorous death dinos, would want to mess with him, but those raptors were apparently even tougher than Samuel L. himself.) Impressive. Send in the woman!
Finally, it was teenaged Alexis ("Lex") Murphy who hacked the computers in the park and got things running again, and Lex who trapped the raptor in the walk-in freezer. Honestly, I don’t know what you guys would do without us.
2. It’s fun to scare kids.
One of the most memorable scenes in Jurassic Park is when Lex and Tim are pigging out, and Lex’s spoonful of Jell-o starts shaking. Why? Because she’s scared out of her wits, which is hilarious.
Hee hee! And remember that kid from Nightmare on Elm Street V who was at Dr. Grant’s dig site? And Dr. Grant scared the poop out of him with that velociraptor claw? Priceless!
Also a good indication as to why I shouldn’t have kids.
3. There will always be someone bigger or smarter than you. Just be yourself.
Sure, sometimes it’s nice to get a compliment like “clever girl” from the game warden right before you eat him, but we can’t all be at the top of the food chain. There will always be someone bigger than you, smarter than you, or more willing to spontaneously change genders to ensure the survival of the species than you. Don’t worry about them. Just be you.
Do you think the dilophosaurus was worrying about what the T. rex was doing or what the velociraptors were plotting as she went about her business? Heck, no. She just let her freak frills fly and slung poisonous phlegm like only she could do. And at the end of the day, that’s all that mattered.
4. It’s okay to say no.
You don’t need to be a doormat to get people to like you. There will be times in your life when people will ask you to do things that you really don’t want to do. It’s okay to say no. The world will not end. And you’ll feel better for it. In the words of Dr. Alan Grant: “Mr. Hammond, after careful consideration, I’ve decided not to endorse your park.” And you know what? Mr. Hammond was okay with that.
5. Things always work out in the end.
I know that life is hard. I have had many, many days in which it felt like the velociraptors had me trapped in the lobby of the visitors’ center, ready to serve me up for Sunday brunch. Did I give up? (Admittedly, yes, sometimes. There are days when I don’t even get out of bed.) The point is, we shouldn’t give up. Whether you believe it’s God, or the universe, or karma, just when things look as bad as they possibly could, a giant T. rex will show up to snack on the velociraptors of life. (It’s a figure of speech. Just roll with it, okay?) It’s hard to keep the faith, I know. But when I’m really feeling down, I like to imagine that some well-fed T. rex somewhere is using the bones of my enemies as toothpicks.
There you have it: important life lessons, brought to you by Michael Crichton, Steven Spielberg, and me. Now go on out there and let your freak frill fly!