Dear Ms. Longo,
I am a writer, too. Can I ask you how you come up with ideas?
I get my ideas from the things I observe around me every day. Just last week, I was sitting outside in my green lawn chair, enjoying my coffee, when a giant yellow mastodon wearing a polka-dot tutu trotted across my lawn, crossed the street, and ate my neighbor, who had been performing an interpretive dance in his front yard. Of course, my first thought was "This is a darn comfortable lawn chair. I should write a story about it."
Hope that helps!
Has anyone ever told you that you look like Richard Simmons?
Oh, you sweet talker, you! Usually I get Gene Simmons. So this is quite an improvement.
You are my favorite writer. I've bought every magazine and anthology you've ever been in, and own six copies of Secret Things. When is your next book coming out?
If you can't even spell my name right, I have no time for you. Get lost!
Dear Miss Longo,
I have loved you from the moment I first read "The Amazing Adventures of Beluga the Gobbledygook." I know that we are destined to be together. Please find enclosed a picture of us doing it that I made out of macaroni and nostril hair.
I'm sorry that I was unable to reply to your letter personally, but I couldn't read your cell block number on the return address. Also, as flattering as your picture was, I think bowties would have been a better choice than manicotti shells.
cc: Attorney Tom Kane
Nobody's ever heard of you. Why should I buy your book when there are authors like Picoult, Patterson, and King out there?
Not a Fan
Why don't you ask Patterson, Picoult, and King why they recommend my work? Yes, your precious James Patterson referred to me as "brilliant" when I was his waitress out on Block Island; Jodi Picoult once called my book "perfect" when she used it to prop open a door; and the great Stephen King once said that I was "the reason why restraining orders were invented." So if these great authors think I'm so wonderful, who are you to judge?
I found the macaroni picture of you and that convicted rapist in a compromising position. You've got a lot of explaining to do. Also, don't you think bowties would have been a better choice?
See you in court!