1. Lee Harvey Oswald was the lone gunman.
Are you kidding? Have you not seen JFK, the Oliver Stone movie in which Kevin Costner replays the Zapruder film over and over while chanting "Back, and to the left. Back, and to the left . . ."? He's referring to the way Kennedy's head moves upon being shot. One of the shots clearly came from the front, because when you're shot from behind, like perhaps from the Texas Book Depository, your head would snap forward. Not back, and to the left. Plus, I've read the Warren Commission Report, and it should be classified as a fiction novel. Add to that the fact that just about everyone who testified for the Warren Commission said afterwards that their statements had either been changed or omitted entirely in the report, and you can start to see the problem. You know who sat on the Warren Commission? Gerald R. Ford. The same president who thought the line "I'm a Ford, not a Lincoln" was absolutely hilarious.
I think we can safely dismiss the "Oswald acted alone" theory as crap.
2. The Mafia did it.
Back in 1960, Papa Joe Kennedy made a few "under the radar" or "highly suspicious and definitely illegal" dealings with some organized crime members. Joe just wanted to get his son elected president, no matter what. After the election, JFK's brother, Bobby, was named Attorney General. Cries of nepotism aside, he was actually a pretty good choice, and did his job well. A little too well. Bobby Kennedy made it his personal mission to unearth and destroy all factions of organized crime in the United States. As you might imagine, Sam Giancana was less than pleased. But would this really drive him to assassinate the President of the United States?
Sure, Jack Ruby had some mob ties. Sure, some witnesses have come forward to say there was a mob contract out on both Kennedy brothers. Sure, those same witnesses have now died or disappeared under suspicious circumstances. But here's what I know: Italian men are very big on family. I mean, La Cosa Nostra was built on families. I just don't believe that they'd shoot the father of two young kids, especially since family was also pretty darn important to the Kennedys. It would be like shooting one of their own. And who ever heard of the mafia killing one of their own? Ridiculous.
3. Militant Cuban Exiles did it.
I found this fun fact on Wikipedia:
With the 1959 Cuban Revolution that brought Fidel Castro to power, thousands of Cubans left their homeland to take up residence in the United States. Many exiles hoped to overthrow Castro and return to Cuba. Their hopes were dashed with the failed Bay of Pigs Invasion in 1961, and many exiles blamed President Kennedy for the failure.
Motive? Sure. Anger at our government? Absolutely. However, I think the militant Cuban exiles might have been a bit more preoccupied with another target. Say, Fidel Castro, the guy who drove them out of Cuba in the first place. If I'm upset with the way my homeland is being run, I'm not going to shoot the guy who runs the neighboring country. It's just common sense.
4. LBJ did it.
Lots of people think that Lyndon Baines Johnson had something to do with the President's untimely demise. Sure, he hated Bobby Kennedy, and it has been said that he was unhappy being Vice President, and wanted the big seat. However, this is the same guy who allowed himself to be photographed lifting his beagle up by the ears, and showing off his gallbladder surgery scar, leaving the indelible image of a paunchy presidential gut burned into the retinas of all Americans. Does this sound like the actions of a mastermind of assassination? Didn't think so. Totally implausible. Next!
5. The CIA did it.
You can hammer me with every detail you want to about how the CIA hated Kennedy, was furious with him over his reluctance to escalate the situation in Vietnam, and how Kennedy said he wanted to "splinter the CIA into a million pieces." This is not proof enough to me that the CIA killed Kennedy. Let me instead tell you a story of a man, a woman, and a CIA official.
This may come as a shock to some of you, but JFK was a bit of a philanderer. I know, you say no way, but sadly, it's true. The man was a horn dog. And one of his many, many, many concubines was a pretty blond woman named Mary Meyer.
Mary was a wealthy socialite who hung in the same circles as our beloved President. She was artistic, smart, and witty. What hot-blooded president wouldn't jump at the chance to sleep with her? Repeatedly?
Here's the thing. Mary's ex-husband was CIA official Cord Meyer. After their son died in 1958, Mary left her husband and jumped into the arms of JFK.
Who knows what Cord was thinking or feeling? My guess is he was feeling pretty darn mad, or "ready to kill the S.O.B. that's sleeping with my wife, president or no." If only he had the resources to kill the guy and cover it up! But wait! Maybe his employer, who also hated the guy sleeping with Mary Meyer, might be able to suggest something. Do I have proof that Cord Meyer went to his boss and said "let's kill that horn dog 'til he's dead?" No. But I have my suspicions.
Interesting conspiracy-filled side note: Mary Meyer was subsequently murdered in 1964, and her murder was never solved. Also, when her family went to go find her diary in her apartment, the CIA was already there, looking for the same diary. Proof that the CIA was a murderous bunch of president-killing snipers. (In their defense, I don't think they still are. I grew up with a girl who is now in the CIA, and she's delightful.)
So there you have it. Irrefutable proof that the CIA killed Kennedy. I don't know why this is so hard for people to figure out.