I put a clear glass bowl over the banana mush, gave them a little water, and started right away. First, I subjected my fruit flies to ten days of Sweatin' to the Oldies VHS tapes. Sure enough, within 40 days, all of my first-generation fruit flies were dead (though two insisted on getting a Richard Simmons perm before expiring).
Proven fact: exercise is bad for you.
My next generation had it a little easier. I fed them lentils and a high-fiber supplement that rhymes with Betabucil to see how they'd do. All were dead within 37 days.
Proven Fact: a high-fiber diet is even more lethal than exercise.
I had a few more theories to test. One generation was subjected to three days straight of Under the Mistletoe by Justin Bieber. Sadly, I didn't stop this experiment early enough, and I lost several fruit flies when they threw themselves in the water bowl to escape the madness. It was a veritable fruit fly suicide.
Proven Fact: Justin Bieber = death.
Next up, I gave some flies the cheap dollar store chocolates that Jason bought me for Easter instead of going to Munson's, like I'd hinted at for days leading up to the holiday. (Honestly - how do you misinterpret a text that reads "Munson's has choc. covered Peeps. Bring some home or don't come home" ?) Sure enough, the fruit flies were dead within 40 days of being subjected to cheap cocoa and powdered milk.
Proven Fact: Next time, don't cheap out on the chocolates, pal!
Finally, it occurred to me that all of my experiments had been negative. What if I tried something fun, that I was sure would bring about positive results? So I played the DVD of Sing Blue Silver, a documentary of Duran Duran's 1983-84 World Tour. Unbelievably, all of my fruit flies were dead within 40 days. But I looked closer. Underneath the microscope, the evidence was clear: each one of those buggers had died with a tiny fruit fly smile on their faces.
Proven Fact: Duran Duran is good for the soul.
Next week: My hilarious exploits as I try to rid my kitchen of fruit flies.