When I went for my physical back in May, I felt fine. Sure, I was coughing at night, and my knee ached a little, but I figured things would improve once allergy season was over, and we stopped having rain every other day. Not so, my doctor warned. I was probably about to keel over. She sent me to an allergist, an orthopedic specialist, and a pulmonologist. Apparently, I was falling apart and I didn't even know it!
It turns out I'm moderately allergic to dust mites, to the point where I now have dust mite-induced asthma. I packed my informative pamphlet and my brand new inhaler in my purse and moved on. While waiting for the orthopaedist, I read my pamphlet, and found out it's dust mite feces that contains the allergens, which doesn't say much for my housekeeping, since I've been coughing my brains out for months. The orthopaedist called me in, took a look at my knee, and told me I needed kneecap replacement surgery. But not yet, because you can only get three in a lifetime, and they only last for 15 years. So I would have to live with the pain and wait until it got so bad that I couldn't climb up a flight of stairs on my own. My dreams of setting off metal detectors every time I went to the mall vanished. Feeling pretty low, I went on to the pulmonologist, forgetting that I didn't need him anymore since I already knew why I was coughing.
The pulmonologist felt that it would be ridiculous for him to waste a good co-pay, so he sat me down, confirmed that I shouldn't be breathing in microscopic spider poo, and then tested my cholesterol for fun. After eating nothing but oatmeal and produce for three months, I'd managed to raise my cholesterol by 10 points. He called the orthopaedist, who conferenced in the allergist and my primary care physician, and they all agreed on the same diagnosis: I'm fat. THIS is what's causing my knee, lung, and cholesterol issues.
I felt like whipping out a picture of myself from 2004 and saying "you want to see fat? I've BEEN fat!" but I restrained myself. I smiled, thanked him, and left the office, tossing my dust mite pamphlet in the trash as I left. Two weeks earlier, I had occasionally had an achy knee before it rained, coughing because of ragweed, and most importantly, I was skinny.
It's clear what the source of all of my problems is. I never should have picked up the phone when they called to schedule my annual physical.