1. Go on a diet. Who didn't see this coming? I'm a card-carrying member of Weight Watchers, and a "boredom eater" (you fellow flab fighters know what I mean.)
But see, when I logically know I should go on a diet, but I'm not mentally ready to go on a diet, a funny thing happens. Food that has never appealed to me in my life suddenly finds its way into my belly. I went to the grocery store last weekend with every intention of buying fresh fruit, vegetables, and whole wheat wraps. Lo and behold, the manager's special of the day was cherry almond muffins. I hate muffins. I find them dry, unappetizing, and not worth the 750 calories a pop. Unless they're chocolate with chocolate chips and frosting, I'm not interested (and even then that would technically be a cupcake, not a muffin.) But, knowing I was trying to watch my intake and shed a few pounds, I suddenly decided I had to have them. Cherry almond? What a novel flavor! Surely these muffins would be better than any muffin I've ever eaten and been disappointed with in my life! I bought two packages of four, and threw some Slim Jims in the carriage for dessert. I'm up six pounds this week.
2. Get a sassy new hairdo. It's a new year, and now I need a new 'do to distract people from the six pounds I've just added to my neck. I decide to go for a chic layered bob to add volume and encourage Meg Ryan comparisons. I can't go to Dara at Cutting Crew because she always criticizes me for not moisturizing my split ends. Brenda at Modern Hair is out because she yells at me for trimming my own bangs. I almost make an appointment with Jodi at the Sears salon, until I remember the time she made fun of me for plucking my eyebrows unevenly. I don't know what makes hairdressers so critical, but I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. I've decided that 2012 is the year I will start wearing more hats.
3. Renew friendships with old friends. Doesn't that sound nice? Reaching out to a few friends who I don't see enough, emailing them more, sending them cards, and making time to meet them for lunch? It's a lovely thought, but reality is an ugly thing. I work full time, serve on two different boards, volunteer for the annual MS Walk in April, do all of the cooking and most of the cleaning in my house, edit part-time, and I'm writing a book that should be out in the first half of the year. Who has times to reconnect with old friends? I'm sure the reason why we lost touch in the first place is because they didn't like that I had no time for them. Who needs friends like that?
There you have it: three resolutions, all of which I have spectacularly failed. Next year, I'm resolving to continue to not get enough exercise, or to ingest more caffeine. At least that way, I'll be setting myself up for success!