I first realized that something was up when I went grocery shopping the day after Halloween. I had my shockingly flaxen hair up in a pony tail, and I will admit to wearing lipstick, since the hair washes out my skin. I went to the Stop & Shop deli and ordered turkey breast.
“You don’t want the Boar’s Head,” the guy behind the deli whispered. “The store brand is just as good and a dollar a pound cheaper.”
Umm … okay. The cranky lady that I’d ordered turkey from last week didn’t bother to tell me that. I ordered the cheaper turkey and thanked him. “No, thank you,” he winked, and I went on my way. I had to admit that was a little weird.
I had trouble reaching the toilet paper that was on sale since it was on a very tall end display. As I was on tippy-toes trying to reach it, three stock boys came running over to help me. “Please don’t strain yourself, miss,” one said, while the other two stood on his shoulders to retrieve the toilet paper for me. Miss? Nobody’s called me miss since I hit twenty-five, and that was over a decade ago. Wow, I thought. They sure are helpful at this store!
At the register, my Pepperidge Farms Cinnamon Raisin Bread didn’t ring up at the right price. The cashier gave me a dopey smile. “I don’t think the whole wheat variety is two-for-one,” he cooed (yes, cooed) at me. “But I’ll give it to you anyway.”
Between the dollar I saved on turkey, the buck and a half and a neck injury I saved on the toilet paper, and the free loaf of bread, I was pretty sure my box of hair dye had just paid for itself. I decided to try my new superpowers somewhere else, to see if it was really the hair or if the Stop & Shop crew had just gotten a pep talk regarding customer service. I walked in to McDonalds.
“A fish filet and a diet coke, please,” I said, batting my eyelashes.
“That’ll be $5.12,” the grumposaurus at the register replied. Okay, so my blonde superpowers did not seem to have any effect on women. Sighing, I pulled out my wallet.
“Let me get that for you, miss,” said the twenty-year-old hunk of burning love in line behind me. Miss! There was that word again! The shiny platinum of my head must be deflecting attention away from my wrinkles!
“No, son, I’ll pay for that,” said his father, elbowing his kid out of the way. The dad really was a lot closer to my age, so I suppose that was more appropriate. “Really, miss, you should eat more. You’re practically skin and bones.” I’m pretty sure he was going to add “and boobs” to that last sentence, but since he'd just called me skinny, I let it slide. “Oh, you silly boys,” I giggled. Apparently, my IQ was dropping rapidly. “Thank you so much!” (Not so stupid as to pass up a free lunch!)
I wiggled my way back to the car and called my sister. We love a good bargain in my family, and my sister was duly impressed by my free filet o’fish. When she heard about my free loaf of bread, she hung up on me. I waited a moment and called her back on her cell phone.
“Why’d you hang up on me?” I pouted. A strange man resembling my Grandpa Duffy saw me pout and knocked on my window to hand me his fries.
“I’m on my way to the pharmacy,” Kim explained. “I figure for the price of one box of ‘Maximum Blonde’, we can cut our grocery bill in half!”
Always thinking, my sister. And if anyone asks, why yes, of course this is our natural color!