Then the news broke that Nebraska was being allowed into the Big Ten (actually, it was the Big 11, now it’s the Big 12. I’m sensing a trend here.) Uh-oh. Lording it over Todd that Penn State was in the Big 10--and remind me again whose team was NOT, Mr. Fancy Pants?--wasn’t going to work anymore. Time for the Nittany Lions to put their money where my mouth was.
I don’t like losing at anything, and even though the first Penn State vs. Nebraska game isn’t scheduled until 11/12/11, I decided I needed to act now. I promptly lost 20 pounds, bought a padded bra, visited my local Mary Kay rep for makeup tips, and set out to meet one Roy Helu Jr. Apparently, he’s a big deal in Nebraska.
My plan was to seduce him, make him fall in love with me, and convince him to abandon his Huskers red to bleed Penn State blue. I strolled out on the field during practice wearing my tightest skirt and my favorite tube top, ignoring the cat calls of the other players saying fresh things like “Hey Grandma! Put a bra on!”
I gave Roy my most sultry look and licked my lips. He seemed unimpressed, but very polite. “Um … are you friends with my mom or something?” he asked.
Note to self: I no longer have the same effect on college men as I did in college.
I tried everything I had in my bag of tricks. Bribery was unsuccessful. Pointing out that Coach Bo Pelini has a funny name and is nowhere near as popular as Joe Pa (8,330,000 Google hits to Bo’s 941,000, so suck on THAT, Todd!) didn’t seem to matter to this guy.
Showing Roy a picture of Todd and pointing out his number one fan’s uncanny resemblance to David Letterman, which the other football players might make fun of him for, had no effect. I begged. I pleaded. I offered him my autographed photo of Duran Duran (okay, it was a fake. I keep my real one in the safe deposit box.) This kid was unshakable.
So I chloroformed him and started dragging him off the field, but I have to tell you, he was pretty darn heavy. One of the other players noticed me struggling and shouted “Hey, Granny’s trying to kidnap our I-back!” Then three guys resembling the Hulk tackled me.
I am happy to report that I did bruise one of the third-string defenseman’s pinky fingers with my ribcage in the tackle. Won’t I feel self-righteous when Penn State beats Nebraska 14 months from now thanks to this devastating injury!